DSD reports house changes to her bio mother

[mothernotsuperior]

I moved into the house that my partner and his ex-wife bought together. They had broken up before we met, so there's no issue there. She has moved out, and they have equal custody, so the kids go between the houses week in and week out. I get along with them very well. Since I moved in, we started working on the house and changed pretty much everything. Recently, we totally refurbished the bathroom, which was the last remaining room that hadn't changed since his ex lived here.

Now, AIBU... One of the kids keeps filming and taking photos and sends them to the ex so she can see what we have done to the place. Almost every little change is reported to her mother. I find it very invasive and nosy. I know it was her house before, but she shouldn't ask the kids about the updates (I assume she does, as she is a very nosy person). Should I leave it or address it with DSD?

Although I agree it’s invasive, I would not say anything to stepchild. It will just turn it into a different (worse) issue.

It's not needed is it. Shes talking about her step daughter so it's pretty obvious who DSDs mum is. The bio is not just superfluous but offensive. I would never call my step kids mum their "bio mum". Unless she had abandoned them at birth I guess.

Are you on the deeds?

No, they don't own this house together anymore, all was sorted before I appeared in his life.

Sorted as in a Financial Order through the Court?

@Jennyathemall

If the Op is referring to the child's mother, why would anyone go to the trouble of typing out an extra 3 letters, when the word is ' mother ' or mum or mummy etc.

why does the word mother need a prefix on it unless it is to describe a person that is not the birth mother i.e. step mother or adoptive mother

I hate the term 'bio mother'. She's her mother. Her child hasn't been adopted.

What context exactly? You write 'my DSD's mum' and everyone understands

Like it or not your home is also your stepchild's home. It was and always had been their home. She has every right to talk about this with her mum. This is one of those situations where there is absolutely nothing you can do about it except grin and bear it.

Also bio mum should only be used in the context of adoption. Otherwise it's just mum and step-mum.

People should maybe stop whining about the use of bio mum when it's accepted on every other forum.

OP posted for advice about step children not a critique of her use of English.

Posting just to complain is very lame.

People should maybe stop telling others what they can post about on social media. There is often a correlation between the kind of person who uses the term "bio mum" and the kind of person who comes on here to complain about their step child having the audacity to share their lives with their mother.

It's her home; it's been her home for longer than it has been yours. I can understand why it makes you feel a bit uncomfortable, but I think you have to suck it up. The child should never be put in the position of feeling that she has to censor herself around either parent.

Op you are a stepparent so naturally you will get a hard time no matter what you post.

Only on MN could someone be classed as unreasonable for being uncomfortable that videos and photos of her home are being sent back to the ex of her dp. It's massively invasive. If the mother was a decent type of person she'd realise it's invasive and tell her kid to stop doing it. But she won't because she's nosy and desperate to see what you've done with the place. Probably so she can say something like 'well it was much better the way it was'.

I wouldn't be happy about it but I wouldn't tell the child off either, maybe her dad could have a word.

I think it's nice that she's made DSD feel she's so accepting of you that she can share things.
It's far better than her feeling she has to avoid mentioning or sharing things because of her mum disliking you or tension. It sounds like a very healthy friendly environment.

@PureBoggin

I totally agree with you. It's impolite to tell people what they can and can't post. I apologise for my lapse.

Of course this also applies to the use of bio mum. Just let it pass.

Is it definitely the mum asking? It is weird and annoying but be careful because you could make DSD feel in the middle. Can you try to ignore??

There’s no lack of understanding of the term
bio Mum or BM people just chose to be arseholes about it.

It's not arseholey at all. Bio mum /birth mum imply a mum who isn't present in their child's life. It's adoption lingo. It's not appropriate for a mum who is actively parenting their child. I would never refer to my step kids mum as their birth/bio mum. It's offensive. You wouldn't describe a mum who was with her children all the time that way.

It’s also step family/blended family lingo.

It really isn't. "Mum" and "step mum" work fine.
I would never refer to my step kids mum as their"bio mum" . It as connotations that are insulting. It's a way of minimising someone.

Definitely a boundary issue here. You and your DH need to explain to your DSD that she needs to respect your privacy.

It really is. You might not like or, or agree, but many of us - myself included use BM regularly as a term to describe our step child’s birth/bio parent.

I am curious why "mum" isn't sufficient? What makes you feel you need to add bio/birth to it?

At best it is a totally superfluous term

@Itissunnysomewhere personally think BM is more succinct than having to type “their Mum” but that’s my opinion, I know you won’t agree so please don’t feel you need to justify why.

I think it's step family/blended family lingo where someone in the mix is looking down on someone else. A kind of jostling for the position at the top. The suggestion that 'BM' is somehow easier than writing 'mum' is just an excuse. It's lingo that is relevant in fostering/adoption situations but not in step situations unless, I guess, the mum is entirely absent. Where is has become the norm in step situations, I suspect you will find lots of angry step parents (well, step mums becasue you never see 'bio dad' in this context) who feel the need to be 'better'.