Am I being unfair? Discipline by new eXW & DP

[wildfish]

Okay step parents, shoot me down, flame me, barbecue me. Jammi & youcannotbeserious welcome Maybe I should have name changed!

I am expressing my initial and current feelings, rightly or wrongly.

I picked up DS (4) this afternoon, and apparently DS - told me - that new SDad was upset, because as DS was waiting for me he opened the inner door (of a flat type block safe place - second intercom door) and closed it, cos he thought I was there - he says he saw me in the window. He was told not to do that by SD.

Now at night, many many hours later, as he is supposed to say bye at bedtime on the phone, she says you been naughty today, (she says its not my business on what) and then makes him explain to her why he was naughty, he says he thought I was at the door, but she says when she or DP say no, he must listen, and then when he says sorry, she puts DP on phone and he has to agree he was naughty again and apologise to DP, who says you are nice most of the time, but naughty some of the time. She then comes back on and says when anyone, especially her or him say no, he must obey.

DS says to me they will be happy now, and when they say no, they mean no.

Note before new DH SD, there was no such absolute discipline. New DH became DH about 2 weeks ago, and was new DP 3 months now.

Okay so its my DS, and she is an X, and he is new DH (who I haven't met yet), and surely I am biased, and I have different levels of no means no (only for the most dangerous or bad behaviour). But I still feel annoyed that DS was made to say sorry to both over such a trivial thing to me, at bedtime over the phone so many hours later.

Go on set me straight - I'm new to this. No doubt over reacting to this, and it really isn't my business. (but still annoyed)

legal validity - no not unless you pre-announce it. But as a memory aid, and a sanity check....

Maybe he would have enjoyed 1-1 with MUM perhaps for a change? not always nowadays MUM and DP only ?

Did your X ever had good parenting skills?

PLEASE tell me she didn't really say that her 4YO son should have learnt not to hurt thier feelings and to be more sensitive???

Most kids make it their life's work to master the art of pissing their parents off as much as humanly possible... I thought it was part of evolution!!

Agree with the taping - it's not legal and I'd be wary of trying to use any such tapes as 'evidence' but it's still important as a memory aid and as a sanity check....

Agree (V. v. strongly) that you should be pushing for time for DS with his mum alone or (as and when her DP is present) for you to be there as well.

I think I've said, DH and I went through a long process of the kids meeting me when their mum was present too. But for quite some time, DH saw the kids on his own (even when they came to my apartment, I actually moved out - which I am not going to say was easy for me to do but it is important to put the kids first in all of this.)

I seriously want to punch this man and slap his silly bint of a mother . She is his mother for gods sake what is she playing at . No child should be made to be gratefull to their mother . They didnt ask to be born . He maybe when older appreciate the effort and thought put into trips out but not gratefull . Just a thought how was she bought up I mean was her mothere around ,does she have a mother to compare too at all . Keep on doing what your doing and give him a seriously big hug from me . Have you thought on the quiet taking him to a phsycoligist (SP) to get him offically on paper to describe how he is feeling and on paper it might help you in court at a later date . I hope you are wrighting all this down no matter how bad it is . Your memory might fade in a few months .

Oh wildfish. This thread is breaking my heart. Your poor little boy . And I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling.

Was she like this when you were together?

hang on a sec, let me get this right, this 'mother' says her child - her baby boy wasn't grateful for spending time with her and an idiotic bully of a H (yes that's strong I know but hey the child's interests are all i'm concerned about here) what the hell does she expect from a child not much older than a toddler??? silly silly woman. grateful indeed. What about the boy in all of this? maybe they should both stop being so bloody self absorbed and get over their selves - you can't push a child on these things and the harder they try the more your DS will recoil back to you.

as for the H - I'd honestly seek legal advice before taping him - only form the pov that if he's a lawyer (althou you don't say which section/branch/dept (not sure on the right term there) he will I imagination have some knowledge of the privacy laws - and yes whilst it will be fantastic to do it - if it's not able to be used in a court is it worth them turning it all back on you to use it against you - ie possessive, manipulative XH etc etc

But with that i'd honestly contact your solicitor and suggest for now that only DW has contact with your DS as you have serious reservations & issues with the man. whilst I know in an ideal world we'd all get along with the other halves of our ex's, and hopefully i'll get on with DP's XW, but at the end of the day as I see it is, the child is all that matters so all parents have to agree and work together for the childs best interests.

if it was me i'd be the same stand your ground re giving your child to the new H, it would appear form what you've said he's controlling your X and is planning on controlling the whole situation - ie you and your ds as well all 3 of you singing to his tune. (I might be barking up the wrong tree there, and I know not all step parents are bad etc, but in these circs i'd be doing all I could to protect my child)

(oh sorry for the rant as well but honestly some parents!)

well hard to say.

I think she was a normal parent ... I mean we all try and we all have different views.

Okay she found looking after a child tiring and laborious - but each parent is different. But I believed her heart was in the right place -

Okay so socialising took a higher priority, okay so chatting was more important than timely pickup. But this latest stuff takes a different level IMO, which is why I am stunned.

Okay thinking a bit more hard, I've always been doing the main things, taking him out, playing (majority), even feeding early on. So maybe its a simple case of no knowledge?

But dare I say, I have a video of her away from home, feeding a 1 year old. 1 year old is excited as he is being fed, and mother is like WTF am I doing, bored and fedup. I didn't take the video was her dad - but its hilarious to see.

get onto your solicter (sp) hope hes a good one .

previously aka 3 months ago, I would have gladly advised her. Now I have been instructed to keep the topic exclusively about DS. Helping her would imply she is wrong and an insult. I intend bringing it up in mediation though - so at the very least even if she reports back and I get verbally assaulted, its on record.

He's a corporate lawyer. I've decided not to budge anymore. Instead of DS going forward he is regressing. I do intend updating my lawyer about the situation, she is aware that mediation is currently on.

Paros: she had a "normal" upbringing, both parents. But to be honest, with hindsight she was always the "victim" and needed to be centre of attention. Hindsight is great

Psychologist -- I am thinking the same, but can't see how DS will talk. He is a very keep it inside boy. I can guess what is going on, but he doesn't spell it out, unless its overflowed.

[Most kids make it their life's work to master the art of pissing their parents off as much as humanly possible... I thought it was part of evolution!]
Yep that's what I thought too. And a parents love was unconditional

SurferMum: that's what is the hardest, seeing that he is actually sad. I mean "hold me dad", "I am a little bit sad", burst out crying this morning (before going). And there is nothing I can do to help him yet. (I know as a parent we always want to protect them!)

DTM: No taping only for myself, so I can check what I heard!! bedtime phone call. She refuses to say bye bye to him, until he is sorry, she rattled on about him being insensitive. yep. Finally I said "so are you going to say bye then" to her, and both Mum and DS answered NO. So she hung up then (after saying my parenting skills were no good, and if I wasn't going to help her, then "butt out")

A parents love is unconditional , Thats the whole point .

words fail me honestly - who exactly is the child out of those 2???

god i'm angry on your behalf - good job your DS has you to look out/after him. perhaps your XH needs to have some parenting classes??

She sounds like a control freak!

quite paros - I don't say to my DS mummys not giving you a kiss good night because you didn't ask to get down from the table or something similar, you do what ever it takes to ensure your child feels loved safe and secure, no matter what they do.

Cargirl, before she got with new DP, she wasn't this bad. Okay emotional pressure yes. But I think DP is either being the puppermaster or egging her on. He seriously seems the one advising her / or speaking through her - and that is scary and dangerous IMO

Or maybe she was, and just needed someone to agree with her mad ideas.

If she keeps coming out with this sort of thing I really wonder if you have grounds to go down the route of being an unfit mother. What she is saying/doing to your son is just so wrong.

I really don't understand the phone calls. When my dd stayed with her Dad (for a couple of nights at a time) I didn't speak to her, nor when she was with me did he speak to her. Whose need is that supposed to be addressing.

Your poor son I don't think it sounds as though your x bonded with him. Did she actually want children, did the reality not meet up to her expectations?

She sounds a bit unbalanced tbh

unbalanced she off the bloody wall . Give him another hug .

The bedtime phone calls, can't remember how they started, but its become habit now - so normally DS also expects to say bye.

I think the quote "reality not meet up to her expectations" is the spot on one. I know she has a tendency to picture a text book picture in her head of perfection and how it should be.

if she wants perfection she should read a parenting book from cover to cover and see where she is going soooooooooooooooooooo wrong .

Just read this thread, saw it last week. It doesn't sound like she has a very good relationship with her son. I wonder if she is jealous of your relationship with him.

Why do you engage with them?

Why don't you just tell them that all communication is via text or email and that you will hand over via a trusted 3rd party?

It won't help your DS while he is with them, but it will mean that his precious time with you won;t be blighted by their stupidity!

Just don't go there - just refuse to have any actual conversations with them - you don;t have to if you don;t want to.

Hello wildfish I don't usually read this part of the forum, and i've not seen you around before. I've just read this thread from the top, and I am sitting here utterly gobsmacked. Literally, my jaw is hung open in disbelief at what your exW is doing to your lovely little man.

If I didn't trust, and clearly believe all you've said, I'd have thought this was some kind of parody about being a wicked step father controlling a pathetic, needy little woman, who is too weak and feeble to stand up for herself. ( sorry if too harsh on your exW, but really is how it comes across! )

I am utterly dumbfounded, and genuinely in tears here, at the thought of the damage they are doing to your little boy. Is there any way at all, you can stop him having to see her? I know this sounds extreme, but he is obviously becoming really quite negatively affected by this. I'm sorry, this is probably not a helpful, constructive thing to say to you, as i'm sure its just not possible. Its just, thats how stongly I feel about the situation Xw and her control freak of a Husand are inflicting on your DS.

I want to scoop him up in my arms and give him a cuddle! And you actually! Erm, I don't mean that in an inappropriate way btw- just ,well you know the sentiment. YOu are having such a rough time. You are being bullied and controlled by this man, firstly via your exW and now by him directly.

It is not his place to be makig arrangements with you about DS. It is NOT up to him to take the decision that your DS will go to private school then have the cheek to ask you to pay for half! It is NOT up to him to be disciplining your son at this early stage. He has to earn DS's trust and respect before that can even be approached. Your son is not answerable to him! He is behaving outrageously. He's being unreasonable and i'd even go as far to say drachonion in his unrealistic expectations of a little 4 year old boy.

They don't seriously, honestly expect a 4 year old little boy to learn to ot hurt their feelings, to pretend to be happy when he is not, to be gushingly grateful to them for taking him out, to be sensitive to their bloody feelings? What about his feelings? HOw about recognising that he was unhappy? That he was feeling sad? that he had needs that they as adults ( I won't use the term parents as they are not parenting him, they are controlling the poor little chap) as GROWN UP ADULTS shoud be meeting HIS needs first and foremost! I'm so infuriated by this, I cannot express it adequately!

I truly hope you have a good solicitor, so that you are able to get the best thing for you little chap, the right thing, and at the moment, it is to be living in a stable environment, with his daddy, who he clearly loves, and who he is happy with.

I'm sorry if I've said too much. I'm sorry if I've offended you at all. It is not my intention, I wanted to really make you see that I am firstly on the 'side' of your DS, secondly to yours. I am actually really distressed by what those people - one of which is his mother! - are doing to him. I'm so so sorry, I just wish I could do something to help you both. I know I can't, but you have my support, really you do.

Please give your little boy the biggest cuddle you can when he wakes up in the morning, and don't stop until he pushes you away.

God i've waffled on a bit! and you don't even 'know' me!

wanted to add that in the morning you have to give him 2 big hugs . One from you obviously and one really big one from mumsnet . Keep strong .