Hand hold

[beachcitygirl]

Adult step kids. I've made a few posts before but struggling like hell this week.

His sons are ok. Pleasant but dismissive. My step daughter who I care for greatly & has had a tough time has become a grade a bitch.
Not age (they're all in their late 30's/40's.

She has reacted badly to us buying our new house together & has openly questioned her inheritance & how she preferred it to be just her dad's house.

I could scream, she's so full of guile, not openly hostile that my DP can see but women see it at a mile off.

I feel ill with it all.

did you mean "bile" rather than "guile" @beachcitygirl

I expect that a full and frank conversation with her father and "her" inheritance, could alleviate possible problems?

No I meant guile. She will say something extremely snide that he thinks is caring.

For example, we were going to a do the other week & I had pulled out all
The stops, felt great.

She tilted her head to the side & said
Oh gosh beach you look awful - are you poorly ?

His response " how lovely she's so caring to be concerned about you
Grrrrrr

I'm sorry @beachcitygirl I was being ironical! I, as a woman too, knew exactly what you meant.

You could use your "guile" to surreptitiously 😉highlight that his daughter may have inheritance concerns?

To be clear, am totally, team @beachcitygirl

Xxx thank YOU ! X

Give her a score out of 10 in your head. One for effort (ooh she really put a lot of thought into that one. Subtle yet deadly) and a second one for impact (ouch that comment hit and burned). Strategy we were given to deal with my MIL who was similar. Works a treat. Really left the behaviour with her over time. She rarely does it now it doesn’t bother me anymore. Within a year (and we don’t see much of them), it went from 10, 10 every time score to a more usual 10, 3 score and then one time when we got back home and I realised I hadn’t even thought to score at all I realised she’d lost all power to hurt me.

Hello, sorry you're having a tough time. I agree it's worth her Dad having an open conversation about the inheritance with his DD.

How long have you and your DP been together? Is her Mum still alive?

Remember that her reactions are about HER not you.... (although I appreciate it's hurtful to you.) x

Perhaps there is no inheritance? I am shocked that MN which us usually all “don’t count your chickens/inheritance isn’t owed” is asking for the dh to give his adult daughter a financial accounting.

I second the scorecard method. You could also be gently frank with your dh and say “your child is rude. Women don’t make critical comments about appearance. The rule is to be supportive.”

As for her I would just smile at her vaguely and say “how lovely” as though she has given you a toddler’s thoughtless gift you are uninterested in handling. Regardless of what she says. She will get bored or escalate until her spite is obvious.

You don’t have to be around them if you don’t want to and they aren’t treating you kindly. They’re adults. In your position I’d be writing my will ready to exclude / bypass them. It’s so rude.

Advise against that unless a family member related to daughter has it with him. Athough ex mother in law admitted deeply disliking granddaughter and thought her behaviour detrimental to her son. I asked her why she never said anything to him, she had lots of examples from even before she met me. His mum said "because I don't want to lose my son" . She understood even she would be exorcised from his life for anything approaching criticism. Some relationships can't survive step daughters.

Thanks everyone.
There is no way he could tell
Her our plans.

1. I don't really want her knowing my financial situation (poor just now but will be very wealthy at some point in future
2. At the moment he is worth more than me
3. I am much younger
4. We intend to make each other our full recipient & on our deaths (whoever goes last) all money will be divided equally between his & my kids.

I have 2 he has 3 (all adults)

She will
Literally lose her shit. She's talked about looking forward to being mortgage free whilst young!!! After she inherits.

I could live with this if she wasn't so damm unkind.

It's really getting to me, especially as my partner is quite ill at the moment. 😞

Well isn’t she a madam thinking she will be mortgage free while young - that’s a horrible thing to think about your dad passing while young are young.

Although I think you need a little compassion there are so many stories here where adult children have lost a parent and the surviving spouse has changed their will and cut contact so that all the inheritance ( if any ) goes to the surviving spouses children. So her concern might be valid - rude but valid-

I know you don’t want her to have knowledge of your finances but there must be a middle ground of communication ( also better your DH has a chat now than leaving you to be the bad evil woman when he passes - hopefully in many many years )

God don't count your chickens etc eh

Also:

Oh gosh beach you look awful - are you poorly ?

^
I'd have to play her at her own game and say 'yes, terribly sick, not sure why, it's come on all of a sudden?? I actually feel like vomiting??'

@PivotPivotmakingmargaritas I hear you, re sideways inheritance but we've made provisions for this & secondly she will inherit massively from her already very poorly mum (lovely woman)whom my partner paid the mortgage for - in its entirety even 19 years after their divorce.
They all own their own homes & are all married with kids.
My youngest is still at home with us.
I find the entitlement & unkindness jaw dropping.

To be honest you have a point - it does make me feel
Like bloody cutting her out but I would never do that to him.

@beachcitygirl just a thought, what age is she?

If you are younger, that's possibly more of problem, in her mind?

I'm mid 50's. So not young. She's early 30's.

You probably should have checked the dictionary before correcting someone's word usage.

@MissPeaches tbf, it was my attempt at humour 🙈

guile/bile rhyme, given the context of the original post by @beachcitygirl

and should have added a 😉

sadly, @beachcitygirl this is a no-win situation.

From her perspective, it may seem, she thinks that her Dad should have her best interests at heart, after all, she's been his child all of her life, circa 30 years.

From her point of view, you have been in his life, approx 10 ish years? is that correct? May be problematic for her!

However, if both you and your husband have given careful consideration to all aspects of your families' dynamics and are happy with your inheritance solution, then that is it.

There is no excuse for her to be rude to you though, you are his wife, the position, in itself, deserves respect.

Going forward, you are fighting a losing battle with her, I think, so all you can do is challenge her behaviour, every time.

Does it? Deserve respect? Automatically? Incorrect.

I hear you @beetr00 I just don't think her "best interests" are served by begrudging her father happiness whilst expecting him to love & support her husband & choices & to feel entitled to his money to the point of crudely mentioning it.

Her best interests are served by him always loving her & being there for her.

@Stillsorrynotsorry it's the position, not the person that deserves respect.

Especially if you'd like to have an ongoing relationship with your Dad/Mum who has a new partner. Surely?

@beachcitygirl I agree with you.

Does she begrudge his happiness? Is she equally as mean to him?

Or does she reserve her snide remarks to just you? Again, just to reiterate @beachcitygirl I do feel your pain.

She does seem to conflate "her" inheritance as proof of his love for her though.

So she was hoping to get her inheritance fairly soon and now is looking at another 30/40 years. ? What a nice woman.

She sounds like a nasty madam and she is in for a lifetime of disappointment. My own DsD is in a similar situation (although I have been in her life a long time) and she would never, ever say anything like this. She is happy that her dad is happy. That’s it.
The comments about your appearance are snide and bitchy but they are about her, not you. I know it’s hurtful but I would laugh them off. If she tells you you “look awful” go with the “tinkly laugh” and say “really? I feel FABULOUS” smile and wander off. She will stop once she realises that it’s not getting to you.

I know this isn’t popular opinion on mn but expecting your parents to pass on their estate to you when they die is a perfectly acceptable line of thinking and not entitled. Unless the circumstances are extreme, I think it’s rather cruel not to do this.

I know you say you won’t but thoughts of “it does make me feel like bloody cutting her out” and statements like she’ll “inherit massively” from her mum, does raise flags about how you view the situation. Her future inheritance from her mother isn’t your concern, and it’s irrelevant that your DH paid for the mortgage post divorce.

Has her relationship with you always been fractious? What is the root cause of the animosity do you think? Is it just money (ie worried that dad’s new younger and ‘poor’ wife will swipe the estate) or something else? There’s got to be a reason why she’s being so rude to you.

Yes in an ideal world she’ll just be happy that dad’s happy but it feels like there’s more to this story.