Hand hold

[beachcitygirl]

Adult step kids. I've made a few posts before but struggling like hell this week.

His sons are ok. Pleasant but dismissive. My step daughter who I care for greatly & has had a tough time has become a grade a bitch.
Not age (they're all in their late 30's/40's.

She has reacted badly to us buying our new house together & has openly questioned her inheritance & how she preferred it to be just her dad's house.

I could scream, she's so full of guile, not openly hostile that my DP can see but women see it at a mile off.

I feel ill with it all.

@Laptoppie

No. My other half has. He is a very savvy man & has planned for his retirement & had to deal with a mess when his own DF passed away whilst he was grieving & some family members were less than kind.

He has a folder with every bit of paper etc.
He feels peaceful knowing it's organised.

I wasn't that fussed as I have a nice home & good pension &'will in due course inherit substantially from an elderly unmarried aunt (although I'd be just as happy if she spent it on fine wine & dancing shoes ) - it's her money.
But she's a stubborn wonderful old feminist & has made it very clear I get everything. (All of which his kids will get share of when I go. - they don't know this though)

I'll also be paying majority of our joint day to day living costs for next 10-15 years via my salary.

I just love him very very much & occasionally her snide looks & sly remarks upset me.
I would be only too pleased if someone loved my parent.

Why do so many people look at their parents & see £ signs

My worry here OP is that he's not bringing her up on how she's treating you. Is he normally passive/people pleasing? Only he's pleasing the wrong person here.

Also, please be aware that if something happened to you and you died before him, your estate will pass to him 100% and whilst you can express wishes for what happens after his death, legally that means fuck all and he could leave your DC out in the cold. This is what happened to DH, he was supposed to inherit his late mother's house but stepfather left it to his DC instead. His mother had bought it outright with her divorce settlement, the stepfather was penniless when they met. DH lost out on over £400k that his mother meant for him.

But is the million his?

@arethereanyleftatall no, both of ours. It's not cash sitting in a drawer either - it's our home & pensions & savings

But what percentages are you both putting in?

Surely that's absolutely relevant to this whole thread?

Is one fifth of yours and his combined less or more than one third of his?

If it's less, and with that coupled with the fact that this will and the relative ages of you and her dad mean that it's highly likely she will never see any inheritance, isn't it absolutely obvious why she's upset?

Yabu to lessen the share your dc get for that madam. When you are dead so you really want them thinking she was worth a penny of your hard earned cash?

If this is how people really think, I can almost understand why my step mother hated me. She is much younger than my father and perhaps I was “in the way” of what she thought she was due? (which actually is the sum total of fuck all. She backed the wrong horse, I’ve out earned all of them combined and neither need or would accept a single penny)
Is this how people really live, children and second wives, scheming and counting what they can get from relatives? What happened to doing it for yourself? Where does the bloody entitlement come from?

It doesn't matter who puts what % they put in, they are married and their finances are arranged to suit them, not adult offspring.
My husband has been married before, his wife died young about 15 years before we met. I sold my house and moved him with him. He still owed around 50% on the house which I paid off and we are joint tenants.
Like the op, he's 15 years older than me and I carried on working after he retired until I became disabled.
Everything we have is in joint names. We've been together 20 years now, married for 16 years
When one of use dies, everything will go to the other one, when the other one dies it will be split 3 ways between his and my children. They know this and are happy because they are not money grabbing arseholes

@Flopsythebunny thank you for this. Our situation seems normal to me. We want to look after each other, we merged our lives (good & bad) and assets (good & bad) & caring (for good or bad)
I don't think it's any damm business of his adult kids.

They will inherit plenty, but I feel they or rather she are almost wishing her dad away & it makes me angry.

I want to make him feel secure & looked after & loved for the rest of his life & he wants the same for me.

Why any of this should be deemed any business of his almost 40 daughter (who owns a home & a few buy to let's) & will inherit a whack from her mother - paid for by my oh is beyond me.z
This thread at some points had me doubting myself.

But greedy madams need to just piss off.
Love is in abundance that should be enough - no one is owed anything

And in fact if she
Keeps her crap up she will get a 1/3 of her dads and not a fifth of our joint which will be SUBSTANTIALLY more. ie millions more.

My brothers (and me to a degree) have similar concerns about my dad. He's been with his partner for over 30 years but in that time hasn't worked a single day. He has been quite a shit dad and done basically nothing for us and we know that the house he has paid for will end up as hers.

It doesn't massively impact me but I think it's a combination of decades long feeling of rejection and then zero thought about his kids on his death. It might not be reasonable but I don't think kids and not great parents and the emotions that flow from that are reasonable most of the time anyway.

I should say my SM hasn't ever worked. Not my dad. He's worked every bloody day!

I’m sorry OP bit I think you are withholding the money for control.

I'm not sure quite what you mean by this, can you elaborate please. (Said kindly)

@arethereanyleftatall we're both putting in same amount for house. I bring in less on a monthly basis than he does (back at uni)
. But he's retiring soon.

We both have good (equal ish) pensions and I will be working for another 10 years and that will become joint money. He won't be working.

I am getting a huge inheritance although I am not wishing my aunt away. It is not @in the bank" it is nevertheless coming my way.

He only has our house and pensions & current wage.

I want all our kids to get equal when we're both gone. Tomorrow is not a promise for any of us & either/both of us may need care.

No one is struggling. All our kids own their own home & have kids of their own except my dd who still lives at home.

I find it hard to understand why you would allow his three children to have equal access to your inheritance from your aunt. If you're coming into millions, as you say, why would you be bothered about holding on to your husband's share when he passes (assuming that you'll have received your aunts inheritance by then) and not allow his three children to do as they please with their fathers estate. I wouldn't allow such a horrible person to receive any share of an inheritance that rightfully belonged to my children, no matter how much I loved my husband.

It's not "millions" it's sizeable. And he's treated my child as his own for years & supported me to go back to uni & been there every step of the way. We want to share everything.

Oh, I assumed the millions more were coming from your share.

Sorry, I also read you had 2 children. I'm not following.

I do have 2 kids. He only brought up one of them. The other is an adult. My inheritance from my aunt is sizable and that with my life insurance and other investments & the house will hit the millions.
I don't really under why people are picking apart my wish to share everything equally.

I'm just struggling with attitudes.

Given her disgusting attitude, I'd keep any inheritance from your aunt separate and probably your own life insurance.

I wouldn't want to do my own children out to give more to a nasty person.

I cannot understand why you are not giving to your children only.
Let his children inherit from him.
It is quite straightforward.
You seem intent on making some grand gesture to his awful daughter.
I would focus on your own two and let him focus on his.

completely agree with this - keep it separate. Let them inherit from him and yours from you. No animosity need be had then from any side

Sorry OP but I share this view.

I've seen kids get cut out because the 2nd wife has inherited and then drawn up a new will to include her children only.

She might be a madam but her concerns are valid.

With 2nd marriages it's normally held as tenants in common not a joint tenancy.