Are we being unreasonable?

[GreerGarrisonWinbury]

DP has DC EOW and half the school holidays.
4 years ago DP’s ex moved 40 miles away to be near her family and the DC go to school there.
DP’s ex has just given birth and she wants us to take the DC so she can recover.
It isn’t our fault she decided to have another baby.
Earliest drop off at school is 8am and latest pick up is 5pm.
If I do the drop off it is 120 mile round trip for me from home to school and then to work.
Is it unreasonable for us to say no, this does not work for us during term time, with our working hours and leave has already been booked for half the school holidays.
We have said are happy to collect the DCs every Friday for the weekend and return them to school on the Monday morning but during the week just doesn’t work.
DP is stressed because he wants to see DC as much as he can but logistically it doesn’t work and ex keeps calling.

Why are you discussing what it would cost you? If anyone takes on this task it should be the children's father.

"It isn’t our fault she decided to have another baby."

Says everything about your attitudes. 🤦‍♀️

So what? It isn’t their fault! Should they live their lives as slaves to the ex? Do whatever she wants for her own benefit because of “it’s his child”? She’s the one who constructed this whole situation! She’s an adult and responsible for this, not him just by default because he is a man!

Mommy has a new baby so you need to sent away for a week. Step Daddy or Granny can only look after me and the new baby. And no, Mommy doesn't care that it meant you leaving the house at 6 am and getting in at 7.30 pm and you not seeing me or your friends or family. Mommy has a new baby and that's all that matters.

I mean she might not mean it but it's likely what they'll hear.

I wouldn't be against them missing one day of school each to turn it into a long weekend.

Also can you have them for the full October half term?

Any chance the DC would rather live with their Dad and consider if it would actually be in their benefit to remain permanently and move their schools?

This is based on the Mum clearly not coping that well before the latest addition.

As for the constant requests I would just respond "can't the school is too far away for us to carry on working".

DP’s ex has just given birth and she wants us to take the DC so she can recover.

Nope. A Stepmum wouldn’t be seen as allowed to recover away from the older children when she has just given birth (as seen on many threads on here over the years where the stepmum has been laid in to over the topic), so the mum definitely shouldn’t get to have some space to recover! No way.

We are a team. We help each other out. That’s what a relationship is. It’s the only way it could possibly work without taking leave. My leave is already booked up for half term and Christmas with them.
In the school holidays when we weren’t away he had to see some potential customers. So I worked from home and the DC were with me. That’s normal. It doesn’t matter that they are HIS children. It’s a shared responsibility when they are with us. Shock horror - sometimes I go off and do something alone with the DC and let him get on with things at home.

And apparently too inconvenienced to take on his own dc above the arrangement? We mustn't expect too much, I guess.

Ah ok this does make it harder if she's spending every hour she can at the hospital, I can see picking the kids up at 3.30 means actually she's really limited on how long she can be with the new baby. However it still isn't in the older kids interests to be shipped off. And it won't just be a week. What happens if baby stays in longer or she wants time to settle once they're discharged.

Ideally someone would drop kids to school (step dad or grandparents) whilst she does up the hospital, she leaves baby to do pick up and get an early dinner with the kids. DP goes from work to hospital for a few hours, Mom goes back up after dinner and someone looks after the kids for a few hours. Step Dad comes home and helps with bed and gets super on, Mom comes home

I have had a new baby in hospital. Luckily, my first, so I could just abandon life and be there with my sick dc. That is what she needs to do. Your dp is the other children's parent, they are his responsibility as their mother is out of action to all intents and purposes.

If I were him I would move mountains to provide the children with stability at this time, and to take the pressure off this family. It I a family emergency and your dp should treat it as such. He needs to take time off work.

Women hating on women. Wow.

It does mean every other weekend

Mummy is at the hospital with your sick sibling. If you were in hospital, mummy would be by your side. Mummy loves you very much, but we all need to pull together right now because this sucks for everyone and your wee sibling needs Mummy the most right now, so we are all going to help that baby, the way we all help anyone in our family who is very sick.

Just quit work for possibly months and rent a house down there then because who knows how long it'll take to come home and realistically the kids need to not be pulled completely from their day to day life.

Unfortunately she still has to care for her own kids. If they were still together she wouldn't just not have any involvement with them for weeks / months. And I say this as someone like you who loved in hospital with my poorly first born for months.

She’s a mother asking the father of her older children to care for them while she has a premature newborn in hospital. She really doesn’t deserve to be slagged off on MN.

She is asking for one week in an emergency situation. It is entirely reasonable.

The people saying on here how awful the dad is for not wanting his children - can you not read that it's because it's just not fair on the children?!!!
They won't see their mum, they'll probably feel as if they've been shipped out because of the new baby AND they'd have to leave super early to get to school and way later than usual to be home! It's not his fault that the ex moved further away to be nearer to family but now seemingly isn't able to ask the grandparents to help out with the school run when the OP said the school is across the road and the grandparents live on the next street. It's just not practical.
Out of interest @GreerGarrisonWinbury, how old are the children?

But that shouldn't mean that they're pulled from their own lives and expected to carry such a heavy burden. It's already a difficult time for them, then they've got 13.5 hour days every day, and what happens if baby isn't home in a week or if baby comes home but still has extra needs? Seems as Dad's doing it for one week he might as well continue.
And the reason it's so difficult is because she upped and moved the kids away from Dad. If it was a reasonable commute and thus with chance to pop into hospital and see Mom for dinner then odd night etc. then I'd agree it would be something he could do.

She also has a partner and parents who live on the next street who could logistically take care of the school runs and their stepchildren/ grandchildren and keep their routine the same as usual to lessen the impact of the birth of a new half sibling but there we go!

@rainbowstardrops 7 and 9. Super
children.

She purposely moved them away from their dad to be closer to other people she deemed more important. This is when that very important support steps up, not OP and her DH who didn’t move away. Couldn’t agree more.

I have a relative who demands stuff like this regardless of what's going on in her exes life and despite him and his wife having a new baby to deal with "it's tough shit she knew what she was taking on" but the other way round and omg all hell breaks loose and he is the biggest cunt walking, I hate her ex because he is a prick but fucking hell he literally can't win as far as my relative is concerned. This isn't women hating on women because I love my relative very much but why does everyone insist it's automatically the father being a selfish twat and the poor mum deserves this and that. Not every woman is the perfect loving mother and not every father is a useless twat

And as said so often to step mums who then have their own babies - the mum knew what she was getting into, it’s up to her to manage it 🤷‍♀️

The mum chose to move away and have another baby. Her parents live in the next street. They can help her out.
Why should the OP/Dad drive a 120 mile round trip every day to drop the kids at school. What time would they have to leave the house and arrive home in the evening.
Too many MNers just hate stepmums.

Because she moved away so seeing the kids during the week would mean a 100+ mile round trip. Not much fun for anyone.