Are we being unreasonable?

[GreerGarrisonWinbury]

DP has DC EOW and half the school holidays.
4 years ago DP’s ex moved 40 miles away to be near her family and the DC go to school there.
DP’s ex has just given birth and she wants us to take the DC so she can recover.
It isn’t our fault she decided to have another baby.
Earliest drop off at school is 8am and latest pick up is 5pm.
If I do the drop off it is 120 mile round trip for me from home to school and then to work.
Is it unreasonable for us to say no, this does not work for us during term time, with our working hours and leave has already been booked for half the school holidays.
We have said are happy to collect the DCs every Friday for the weekend and return them to school on the Monday morning but during the week just doesn’t work.
DP is stressed because he wants to see DC as much as he can but logistically it doesn’t work and ex keeps calling.

I think you need to count yourself very lucky your DP only needs to parent a couple of days a fortnight.

as he’s self employed, surely it’s easier for him to take one week off and look after his kids? His ex is taking on the lion share of caring responsibilities most of the time.

too much travelling? Any way he can get a Travelodge for a couple of nights to be near kids school? He can take them out after school etc.

or just suck up the travel time? 40 miles is different depending on area. In central London? Not feasible every morning. In rural areas- not out of the question.

for school age kids, it might be a bit tiring, but it’s not insurmountable. And it’s for one week- not an ongoing arrangement.

I don’t buy all this ‘she moved away’ crap…possibly because he did barely anything to raise his own kids? And he needs to give permission for her to move 40 miles away with his kids. So he has said yes to this.

To everyone saying she’s not wrong to ask - she moved the children 40 miles away from their father. If she wanted to facilitate their relationship with him she wouldn’t have moved. She did because she had other priorities and now it’s come back to bite her. Oh dear but all on her.

OP, if he’s said no just don’t engage with it. Ignore her bar saying you’ll have more weekends.

@Dogdaysareoverihope She doesn't need to get permission to move unless she's leaving the country.

With his ex you give her an inch and she’ll take a mile. It has been going quite well with her during her pregnancy, finally normal conversations with DP and not screaming at him all the time.
We’ve had the DC extra weekends. DC have been with us for all bank holidays.
With any luck she will find it too hard with 3 DC and DP’s DCs will come to live with us.

Maybe not for the simple decision to move house, but If it affects his access to the kids it does. My friend had to get permission to move schools from her exH, who contested it.

I also see OP complaining he pays £1000 in maintenance to the mother. Is this for 2 kids? £500 each a month? Absolute bargain. He gets someone looking after his kids for 26 days a month. That’s before anyone has paid a penny to feed, clothe or entertain them.

for that money, he can work unlimited hours Monday - Friday. And gets every other weekend kids free. That’s more than people who employ full time Nannie’s get for a fraction of the price.

We tried the parenting app. She claims it doesn’t work on her phone. Just like the school app.

That's ridiculous. The children will have to take the week off school if she really won't have them. Although it's very odd not to have your older children near with a newborn. It's a special time for them.

I’d make sure he has a plan for childcare OP if that happens, so you aren’t left looking after the kids.
especially when he realises how £1000 a month doesn’t go far with 2 kids.

one kid easily £350 a month in after school clubs

I wasn’t complaining at the amount of maintenance he pays. I only used to get £250 a month for my daughter when my ex bothered to pay it and he didn’t even see his child and then moved to another country.
DP also buys their clothes, takes them for haircuts, does normal parenting things like cutting their nails and brushing their hair. He has even taken his ex to the supermarket to buy food as she was complaining she had no money left. And this when she was with her new partner.

I agree with this.

I think some language being used in the thread is pretty pejorative - she may just be really struggling and emotional.

In the interests of positive co-parenting could DH WFH for a week/take leave and stay local. Maybe make a weekend of it this weekend, just to help her out?

But, if you can't, in no way are you unreasonable. At all.

This

She's been doing virtually all the parenting for him.

It's about time he pulled his weight. Its only a week.

Where's ex's partner, new baby's dad? Can't he do school run

I don’t see how she needs this 1 child evacuated from home after she gives birth. It’s not that big a deal & only 1 week. Who sends children AWAY for birth?

She has family near by can help.

It’s unreasonable and dangerous to expect you to that much driving on weekdays.

She should ask friends & family who live nearby so child isn’t disrupted.

IMO … this is some sort of Power Play she is trying. Possibly get the older child out of the house more regularly during week going forward.

DP cannot WFH. He is a builder. Taking time off means no income. He is in the middle of a 4 week project that the customers are expecting to be finished by the end of the month, so they can move into their new home as they have to leave their rented accommodation. A week off messes everything up and means delayed payment as well.

Unreasonable to message daily, it's her problem - asking once is ok but to message pictures etc is not alright.

She made this bed herself. She moved away. She had another child.

The distance and commute is not fair on the children and is not reasonable to request without any warning.

The judgement on your dp for being self employed is ridiculous- of course he needs to keep his appointments as if he doesn't work he does not get paid.

The dc's need routine and you can't give them this with the commute.

Where are her parents / partner?

The maximum I would offer (as someone who was a single mother and have a fab relationship with my exp) is to have the kids a few days but hey will have to miss school.

Waking them for a long journey in rush hour is not acceptable.

Well, then you definitely can’t. She will just have to manage.

Plus if you say yes you give a clear message that this behaviour is acceptable and you will do this again.....

And for those judging the op's partner for not being a parents or sharing the burden- her moving away probably had a dramatic effect on his ability to have the children more

Collect them from school on Thursday, just keep them off on Friday if you can work from home, have them all weekend and drop to school on Monday morning?

Then mum gets almost 5 days without them.

That's a bit of a showing willing compromise? And Friday is only one day to miss school

Indeed.

I swear sometimes on this site to some the man is always in the wrong simply because he's a man.

@cunoyerjudowel Where are her parents / partner?

They are all there. Officially partner does not live with her.
I would take the 2 DC in a heartbeat but it’s just impossible at such short notice. We’ve taken them before when she has been unwell. We have also taken them when they have been unwell, even though she hasn’t worked for the past 3 years. We’ve offered to take them for a night during the week so that DP didn’t only see them for 3 nights in a fortnight but this has been refused as it disrupts their schooling.

Ask her to switch custody see how she responds

We have already tried that, but she won’t because the benefits will stop.
At one point she wanted DP to have custody of one DC because she didn’t like that one.

This.

I can't believe a Dad wouldn't want to see his kids for an extra week.

Has anyone here in similar family had children removed for a week after birth?

Not sure how children feel being exiled for new arrival.

Have family & friends come to help, but don’t exile children.