Are we being unreasonable?

[GreerGarrisonWinbury]

DP has DC EOW and half the school holidays.
4 years ago DP’s ex moved 40 miles away to be near her family and the DC go to school there.
DP’s ex has just given birth and she wants us to take the DC so she can recover.
It isn’t our fault she decided to have another baby.
Earliest drop off at school is 8am and latest pick up is 5pm.
If I do the drop off it is 120 mile round trip for me from home to school and then to work.
Is it unreasonable for us to say no, this does not work for us during term time, with our working hours and leave has already been booked for half the school holidays.
We have said are happy to collect the DCs every Friday for the weekend and return them to school on the Monday morning but during the week just doesn’t work.
DP is stressed because he wants to see DC as much as he can but logistically it doesn’t work and ex keeps calling.

The poor DC!Mum comes home with a brand new baby and ships existing DC off for a week

And yet it is always fine for step mums to want the recovery time and not to have their step children around for a few weeks when they've given birth.

It's only damaging when mothers send off their children post birth not when dad's won't collect for contact?

Just wow.

You've got that totally backwards.

A stepmother posting saying they don't want the father's existing children there following the birth always has their arse handed to them on here. They're always told that they knew the father already had children, that it isn't fair on the children or the mother, etc.

Total double standards.

A stepmother posting saying they don't want the father's existing children there following the birth always has their arse handed to them on here. They're always told that they knew the father already had children, that it isn't fair on the children or the mother, etc.

Total double standards.

Absolutely!

I totally disagree. Find any post about this issue on here and the mum concerned will have plenty of backers.

I do think there is a tendency from the NRP to think that the childcare arrangements should never inconvenience them but unfortunately part of being a parent is that sometimes your commitments are inconvenient. As a RP, I’ve had many weeks which have been totally derailed by illness / injury / other unexpected things.

you are getting too hung up on the why of this, and arguing that it was her choice etc. But RP don’t ever have an opt out. And I think it’s good for NRP to experience the same. My DP is also self employed, and he typically doesn’t do much ad hoc / extra - this was also an issue in his marriage! - however he has had to make arrangements and take time
off for his exes 3 lots of cosmetic surgery and her annual holiday. He learned that the world didn’t end if he had to rearrange a week.

EOW weekend isn’t really parenting. Your DH wants to see his DC more and here is an opportunity to do so. Don’t get obsessed with the unreasonable ness or unfairness of the reason behind it.

Except he's not really going to be spending all that much more time with them if he's out working. The person who it will mainly affect (as is nearly always the case) is the step-mum, OP, who will be burdened with a daily 120 mile school run round trip. One that single fact alone, the whole proposition is ridiculous and unworkable.

I think it's unreasonable that you think every other weekend is acceptable!

The mother is delusional, lots of people have children while having other kids to look after already, a 120 mile round trip is not feasible at all, tell her to woman up and get on with it. Needs to recover pffffft what are these people on ffs, surely her new partner should be stepping up and helping her recover

Jesus Christ this is the most Mumsnet thing ever £1000 not going very far 🤣🤣🤣

my twat of an ex pays £179 a month, that doesn’t go very far at all

and I’m sure there are lots of people who’s useless skin suits of an ex don’t even pay anything

You'd be OK with a 120mile round trip to drip them off at school then yes?

I was thinking this too imagine poor child will think they are not loved any more. It would be majorly traumatic.

Personally I would say as much to the other parent

NRP is Totally uncalled for.

Absolute BS it's never ok to force separation for existing children when new child is born. I am.a step parent and ALWAYS had my DSC around regardless of the situation!

This is pretty damning. I think your DH should be aiming for full custody anyway, if she’s like this (She might be happier about it now she has another child). That can’t be a good environment for them.

Not that you can do it immediately as you obviously need them to move school and would be very disruptive. But long term, do you think they’d want to live with their DF and you?

I’m obviously very late to this thread but I just wanted to say after reading all of your posts how truly heartwarming it is that you speak so highly of your DP’s children. They’re very lucky to have you. Ex sounds like an absolute horror, you have my deepest sympathies.

The person who it will mainly affect (as is nearly always the case) is the step-mum, OP, who will be burdened with a daily 120 mile school run round trip. One that single fact alone, the whole proposition is ridiculous and unworkable.

This - with bells on

His ex moved away with the children to access more support from her family. So let her family do the supporting!
It's absolutely ridiculous them asking you to commit to those arrangements, and no you're not wrong in refusing.

It's also not fair on the kids, their Mum having a brew baby and then shipping them off for a week. They will want to get to know/bond their new sibling. They'll feel very upset at being sent away.

His ex obviously has a partner? The Father of this new baby? Well he can be keeping things together at home, and taking the kids to School etc. He's obviously living with them?

She made the decision to have another baby, so should have thought about making arrangements, Yes it's very sad that the new baby is in the NICU, but sadly these things happen in life. You have access arrangements in place, and that's as it should be... It doesn't however mean you have to entertain such ridiculous demands alongside that. Offer to have the kids for the weekend, and let them like it or lump it.

Sending photos of her new baby to her ex your DP is just very strange. It's as you say a way to tug on the heart strings. He needs to start putting that into perspective though.

But it isn’t the step mother’s responsibility. That’s my point, he is avoiding any inconvenience. Why is the DH just passive in this whole thing? There is absolutely no reason my OP should be involved in any of the arrangements, when my DH has had to do similar, it hasn’t even occurred to him
that it would involve me. It’s his responsibility.

The dad doesn’t have to accept the crumbs mum offers. If he wants full custody then apply for it

But it isn’t the step mother’s responsibility. That’s my point, he is avoiding any inconvenience. Why is the DH just passive in this whole thing? There is absolutely no reason my OP should be involved in any of the arrangements, when my DH has had to do similar, it hasn’t even occurred to him that it would involve me. It’s his responsibility

That would track for me if OP's DH had a nice cushy WFH job.

But as I understand it, he's a builder, so it would mean letting his clients down and not getting paid for the days he doesn't work?

It's not an ideal situation, but presumably he didn't choose a career in the building trade assuming he would one day be co-parenting over a distance of 40 miles. Not every job allows for flexibility around childcare.

There are other, closer, easier solutions. Starting with the ex wife's DP, who is also now a step parent to those children and should be making an effort to keep them feeling included in the new family set up.

I care so much about my DP’s DC that I would have done it. But when I looked again, I thought DP’s ex was asking too much. I’ve said I’m too old to have another baby but if that was the case I would never ask DP to not have them.
DP wanted 50/50 but she moved away. What more can he do? He can’t make her move back. And he offered to pay her rent even though he wouldn’t have to pay maintenance if it was 50/50. We don’t live in the UK and they weren’t married so there are different rules.
Me and DP are a team together, I would have done it just to keep the peace.
The photos have stopped of the new baby, the requests have stopped. So it is nothing to discuss anymore.

In this case, as its only one week it might be acceptable for them to have an authorised emergency week off school. No fines, as it would be authorised. School could arrange for any work to be emailed.

She really isn't thinking of her child. I'm assuming since they're school age, they'll get the idea of I'm being dumped for the baby. Can't her partner help more and her family since she moved to be closer to them? I would definitely question what is right for the poor child's mental health rather than just trying to get them to school which is ridiculous to attempt btw. My hubby and I tried it just 20mins away from school when we moved and waited for a school place and it didn't work at all and after the second day we just said he wouldn't be going until he had a school place close to us. I feel for the child being in the middle.

I have to agree. My partner is self-employed in construction (as OP’s is, I gather). Step daughter lives 75 miles away and he still picks her up from school and takes her to clubs a couple of times a week. The wonders of being self-employed is that you don’t have a boss to negotiate with. You just work your personal commitments into deadlines you give to your customers.
There was a point last year where we thought she may need to live with us full time, we were happy to arrange it between us to drop her off and pick her up if necessary.
@GreerGarrisonWinbury no, it’s not your fault that the mother is having another child but it is also not your business to tell her she can’t or judge her for doing it. Your partner is a father and his responsibility is to his child. He only sees them for two days every two week. A week of full time care is hardly unreasonable, albeit inconvenient as far as school distance. Yes, I would also ask a question about current partner and grand parents but clearly they are not willing to chip in. This doesn’t remove your partner’s parental responsibilities.

But as I understand it, he's a builder, so it would mean letting his clients down and not getting paid for the days he doesn't work?

It's not an ideal situation, but presumably he didn't choose a career in the building trade assuming he would one day be co-parenting over a distance of 40 miles. Not every job allows for flexibility around childcare.

Quite - my DH is self employed in the building industry and its not child friendly at all. If the concrete is being poured at 7am, then it's being poured at 7am. Lots of other trades will depend on the schedule being adhered to. Being self employed does not involved swanning around to suit yourself, as so many people seem to think. And if you're not working, you're not getting paid. But the ex will still expect her maintenance payments!!!