Are we being unreasonable?

[GreerGarrisonWinbury]

DP has DC EOW and half the school holidays.
4 years ago DP’s ex moved 40 miles away to be near her family and the DC go to school there.
DP’s ex has just given birth and she wants us to take the DC so she can recover.
It isn’t our fault she decided to have another baby.
Earliest drop off at school is 8am and latest pick up is 5pm.
If I do the drop off it is 120 mile round trip for me from home to school and then to work.
Is it unreasonable for us to say no, this does not work for us during term time, with our working hours and leave has already been booked for half the school holidays.
We have said are happy to collect the DCs every Friday for the weekend and return them to school on the Monday morning but during the week just doesn’t work.
DP is stressed because he wants to see DC as much as he can but logistically it doesn’t work and ex keeps calling.

Tugging his heart strings, why would that even happen? It's not his dc. Another saying her family or inept partner can sort it out with the dc.

He would do the pick up, I’m not allowed to do the pick up, I’m not on the pick up list. And I don’t like her because she has always been unpleasant towards me even though I got together with DP a year after they split.
We both have to work. He’s self employed. He also has his customers to think about, he is onsite and people expect their renovations to be completed when it is agreed. He can’t mess around on customers.

It sounds like it just isn’t possible; you can’t do the pick up and drop off. Nothing wrong with saying that; she chose to have a baby.

I think it's in the best interest of the children to stay with their grandparents during the week (or be looked after by them in their own home) and to come to you Friday - Monday every weekend until their Mum is back on her feet and baby is settled back at home. Taking them 40 miles away from their school would be too disruptive and would mean that they wouldn't be able to grab a couple of hours with their Mum every so often (it's important that she gives them some time as well as the baby).

Why is she sending photos of her baby to her ex husband? Is her new husband ok with that?

I think offering to have them longer st the weekends is generous enough, she moved 40 miles away for support so she should be asking those people she relocated to be near for such support.
I also don't think shipping the children off for a week in this situation is in their best interests either tbh, I'm saying that as someone who had older children whilst our youngest was in hospital for 6 months.

Ex, your baby your problem. I feel sorry for the dc and lo one in this situation.

Is it only for a week and you currently only have DC 2 days out of fourteen?

I agree: you are not being unreasonable. She was the one to move away closer to family for support so she will have to lean on them when she needs support. Moving away from the dad but then expecting him jump at her call because she had a baby with another man is cheeky.

Yes it’s his child but it’s just not reasonable for you to put yourselves through this for HER benefit. I bet she won’t be compensating him any fuel money. And to anyone saying he should be the one doing the dropping and collecting- people need to work and balance that with their family lives all the time, it’s expensive to live right now and Dad can’t ruin his client base and reputation for his ex’s convenience. She will still be expecting maintenance I presume?

Where does your DP work relative to his kids? Any chance of remote work for a while and an air b&b near kids school (if finances allow, again, not necessarily possible). Overall it's not totally unreasonable to ask (although most people would struggle to suddenly make this sort of change without prior planning or at all) But also not unreasonable to not be able to make it work. I agree it's not great for the kids to suddenly have an extra disruption along with a new sibling. As a Dad of course you'd hope they would try and see their kids as much as they could and also just generally try and help out, but you can only do what is possible.

The problem is the travelling and upheaval for the dc, it might be just a week, but it's not fair on them. It isn't about the adults.

He’s self employed. He also has his customers to think about...

Right. I'd be wary of a self employed man who may use that as an excuse to get out of family responsibilities. I've known a few to act like their partner's job is less important and 'more flexible', often when the partner is actually earning more.

I don't see an issue with her asking if you can and I don't see an issue with you saying no you can't. I presume they are younger children that can't take themselves for a week. Perhaps suggest back that they look into taxis if they can't do the school run for one week.

Yes the travelling is too much for EVERYONE involved. Not only the kids count! Adult lives count too and they are the ones keeping the whole show on the road.

It’s not unreasonable to ask but if it’s a no from the other side due to the distance created by the ex herself then unfortunately it’s a no. If the situation is properly managed and the older child has it explained to him/ her what the situation is and why grandparents are minding him/her for a week then surely any normal child can understand. If they can’t because they are too small then they won’t remember this one week anyway! In a normal family children get minded by grandparents all the time in situations like this and don’t end up traumatised.

And taking an Airbnb near mum?! That’s mad. Again who would pay for that, it’s a FAVOUR to her for having a kid with somebody new. Why would dad do that?!

She moved 40 miles away for support so she should be asking those people she relocated to be near for such support
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^^* absolutely this

Sorry I see this in a different way.

Yes it's inconvenient and I'm sure she knows this but she's just had a premature baby.

She just wants your DH to pitch in with his kids and go out of his way for a week whilst she recovers and focuses on her new (poorly!) baby. She's not asking the earth.

@wickerlady yes, out of his way - to the tune of driving 600 miles in one week
How is that fair on the kids themselves?!

She has support of a partner and grandparents nearby. It's not in the kids best interests to be travelling so far each day when there are clearly alternatives.

Your DP needs to communicate with his ex through a parenting app so she can't send photos of her new baby. Is the new baby going to be added to the Weekends with his children too?

She moved to be closer to family, this is when the family nearby help and not turf the kids out so she and new partner can get rid of them for a week while making them do 80 mile round trips every day to school.

If she was really going to appreciate you both moving everything around to accommodate her then OP would be put on the pick up list. She would be offering any and all solutions to make this better for everyone involved which could include the kids dad having them a couple extra days and then the grandparents having them but what she is asking is a lot for everyone and doesn't sound all that possible. But what would you do if she had been unwell and in hospital?

Partners kids. Not your circus

i personally don’t think it an unreasonable request. Baby being prem is difficult and if Ba ay in hospital still it will be stressful, I assume mum feels she needs to visit hospital until baby discharged.

it is one week, 5 days. Surely to god dh can reduce his working hours as self employed. What would have happened if the birth meant mum had to stay in hospital for a week? Or any number of other times mum may not be able to be mum? Yep, spouse should pick up slack, but spouse in this case isn’t their parent , so it falls on your dh .

yep, have a bloody go at her about how bloody stupid it was to move kids schools so far , make a point that they can pay for petrol and travel costs due to that being her decision. But really?

this won’t your job. It is your spouses. He needs to figure it out. Self employed men always have a fecking excuse about can’t take time off- they can, they just don’t want to if someone else can be made to take the inconvenience instead. He needs to plan his clients meetings etc. it’s about time management. What would he do if HE was ill?

I remember being a very young child and being tossed between a variety of caregivers for weeks because my infant sister was in the hospital. It was disconcerting, but even at that age I understood that a child should never be left alone at the hospital. One of my parents had to be there at all times, plus they had to manage not to lose their jobs. It was mostly family who watched me, but sometimes a neighbor stepped in to patch a gap.

i don’t know what my parents would have done without the support they were given. I know my sister would have been scared. I know I would have been dealing with parents who were even more stressed than they already were.

it isn’t OP’s responsibility to do the school run, but I do find it odd that dad isn’t stepping up given that the baby is in the hospital. If it were a normal birth and the baby was at home, he would be right to tell her off for even asking. This is different. This is an emergency situation where the community steps in and helps. The father of the children needing care is the obvious first responder in this case.

The school is across the road from where she lives. The issue isn’t getting the children to school.
She had said she wants a rest after giving birth and cannot cope with the DCs when they get back from school. The older one is capable of cooking herself.
She is asking everyday and not accepting no.

The children are at school each day, dad has said he'll have them at weekends and GP live round the corner.
Firstly why does the new mum need them 'out of the way' particularly if the baby is still in hospital and being cared for. That's a sure way to build resentment of the children for the new baby.
Secondly, if she moved for more support, presumably from GP, why aren't they or her husband providing it?

Of course she will expect to see her £1000 next month.