Maybe it's time to separate after 25 years

[atacrossroadstoday]

Met DH 25 years ago. He'd been separated from his ex-partner for a year (she left him for someone else) and had two DDs age 8 and 6.

We dated quietly and all was fine until his ex found out about us after a year and went wild. I'm talking smashing up property and physical attacks. I should've walked away then but didn't. She had severe mental health issues and life was pretty traumatic. I think I got caught up in saviour syndrome, trying to smooth everything and calm situations and brokering agreements.

We bumbled along and eventually married but DDs never accepted me, partly as the ex said I split the family up and their dad had an affair with me, which wasn't true.

The ex died quite unexpectedly when the girls were at university. It was a hard time and we gave continuous support.

Cut to now and both DDs are getting married next year and DH is invited but not me. They've made it clear they don't want me involved or to be part of any future family set up when they have children.

I feel so stupid and exhausted. I've poured years into trying to make it work, including time and huge financial commitments too. And all for nothing.

I'm now at a crossroads. Do I accept this new situation or call it quits and try and build a new life. DH feels in the middle but is excited at the weddings and potential grandchildren.

I feel such a fool.

Any advice?

I think them being married only 10 years might have helped.

We have laughed at their surprise that despite their behaviour they expected to receive her estate.
She is a teacher, but as an only child with several inheritances that she has been largely coy about, she is actually very comfortable.
A situation she has kept largely to herself.
Her estate will go to her niece and nephew, but she would have split it for sure had they been kind.
Her husband is a bit dim IMO, he really shouldn't have said a word about the gifts.

It feels like the DDs have won but not sure what prize they think they have
That's the crux of the problem. It's been a battle to win for years and now you feel they won the war and therefore you need to be out.

It should never have been a battle in the first place. It was bound to escalate to a final one.

You should have withdrawn much sooner. Either leave the relationship if it was unsustainable or let your OH have a relationship with his daughters without you, which can be perfectly fine.

What was never going to happen is to expect him to choose you. If your SDs don't like you, for whatever reason, neither you nor their dad can just demand that they do.

I think if you can take some ownership of what you could have done much sooner so that you were not left so upset and hurt, you will find it much easier to move on, whatever moving on means to you.

It's really not as simple as choosing the DDs over the op.

It's merely expecting a level of courtesy and acceptance.

It need never ever have come down to a matter of choice had all the parties behaved like adults instead of petulant, misguided spoilt teens. That's the daughters by the way.

And nobody at all has won anything. Only spite and vindictiveness has won. Hooray. A great result for everyone.

Exactly @BlastedPimples Its not a matter of choice Its a matter of civility