Maybe it's time to separate after 25 years

[atacrossroadstoday]

Met DH 25 years ago. He'd been separated from his ex-partner for a year (she left him for someone else) and had two DDs age 8 and 6.

We dated quietly and all was fine until his ex found out about us after a year and went wild. I'm talking smashing up property and physical attacks. I should've walked away then but didn't. She had severe mental health issues and life was pretty traumatic. I think I got caught up in saviour syndrome, trying to smooth everything and calm situations and brokering agreements.

We bumbled along and eventually married but DDs never accepted me, partly as the ex said I split the family up and their dad had an affair with me, which wasn't true.

The ex died quite unexpectedly when the girls were at university. It was a hard time and we gave continuous support.

Cut to now and both DDs are getting married next year and DH is invited but not me. They've made it clear they don't want me involved or to be part of any future family set up when they have children.

I feel so stupid and exhausted. I've poured years into trying to make it work, including time and huge financial commitments too. And all for nothing.

I'm now at a crossroads. Do I accept this new situation or call it quits and try and build a new life. DH feels in the middle but is excited at the weddings and potential grandchildren.

I feel such a fool.

Any advice?

This...

If he hasn't had enough care for you to set them straight for the last 25years would you not be better off just leaving him and his daughters to it?

Does he plan to tell them there was no affair now? Not that they're likely to believe it after all these years. If it was me, I'd assume he was lying to try and get them to invite you to the weddings.

Sounds like he's a bit worried he may be losing his old age nursemaid so is starting to worry
maybe he should have been kinder to you when it mattered

I really feel for you OP.

You are not a fool, you sound like you have a good heart and have tried so hard to help them all,
It is so unfair.

A hug to you x

Regardless of what changes he makes now you've told him how you feel, I think it's important to remember that neither he nor you can control the DDs' feelings or change their attitude to you.

It's sad that you regret the way things have turned out and the sacrifices you've made to be with him, but I think it would be foolish to continue to harbour a fantasy whereby the daughters accept you as part of their family and you all live happily ever after, as that's not going to happen.

Their dad giving them a stern talking to or refusing to come to the wedding might end up with you being invited in the end, or it might not. But even if it did, they still won't actually be accepting you, but merely doing what their dad wants and tolerating your presence. Which will obviously feel horrible, as you already know.

You all ending up as a big happy family doesn't sound like a realistic outcome here, regardless of any belated gestures on the part of DH, so since that fantasy is off the table, the question is whether you see a future with DH with things remaining as they actually are.

I can't believe you lost out on the chance to be a mother because of pleasing these two brats . Start looking after number one because your husband isn't going to look after you . I would take a massive step back from the pair of them .

OP I am so angry for you.

He sounds utterly weak and spineless.

Quite happy to see your name painted black because he doesn't want to rock the boat with his daughters. But then when he thinks his comfortable life is threatened he suddenly wants to go for marriage counselling.

More likely that he doesn't want the aggravation of a divorce. Plus the awkwardness of having to explain to his daughters that you got fed up of them treating you like shit and him rolling over and allowing it.

Find your fire and your anger and your passion and your self respect. You have one precious life - he's had a chunk of it, but you don't have to give him any more of your time. Surround yourself with people who recognise and appreciate you for the lovely person that you are, people who care about you, people who would speak up for you and defend you if someone had a go.

Don't settle for a lazy mediocre man that happily sees you suffer unhappily for years because he's too gutless to have a difficult conversation with his daughters.

why do you have to leave him? why can he not have a relationship with you AND his children? why does his relationship with his children have to involve you?

step away! leave him to his children. it doesn't mean you have to leave or end the marriage, it means you simply don't go to their wedding.

i've posted many times about the issues i have with my adult step children and MN has helped me to realise i will never change my DH as far as his kids go, and i most certainly will not issue the ultimatum of 'me or the kids'.

i've had a grown up conversation with him, made it very clear that any financial help he gives his children comes out of his own money and not our joint savings. i've made it very clear that i will not do all the things i used to do for him, to enable him to have a relationship with his children and i have also made them very aware that my intervention with birthday presents, social events etc will no longer be there and that its between them and their dad from now on.

i can tell you, the stress thats been lifted from my shoulders is amazing, and to be fair, i have even noticed a difference in the way the step children behave towards me in a positive manner because of it.

I think the dh and the dsds are getting a bit of a rough ride here. They have been cruel, undoubtedly. Whether they meant to or not.

But you made a series of choices of your own - this is something you're probably better off working through in individual therapy - that you made a series of choices that you now regret. You haven't been played, you've known about the family dynamic for 25 years and you must have had a million opportunities to call it a day at any point.

You chose to stay rather than leaving and having children of your own. That's the saddest thing, but it sounds like you made that choice knowingly. Its very sad that the dds are holding a grudge after so long, and that your dh is a wet lettuce who should have put the record straight decades ago. But you have to be able to hold yourself responsible for your own choices, or you'll only see yourself as some kind of victim, instead of an active participant and you'll never be able to move past it.

Even if a stepmum feels she has no choice in a scenario, she has the choice to walk away. I think that's what you should do now because the resentment is going to eat away at you.

Please don’t let it get to the point that your DH doesn’t go to his own daughter’s wedding. She already lost one parent at a very young age after being brought up in the shadow of mental health issues and it would be awful for her if he Dad didn’t go to her wedding.

You might have made a huge effort for his children when they were young, but they didn’t ask for that and they aren’t obliged to have a relationship with you just because their Dad does. For that reason, there’s only so much you can expect your husband to have done. He would have been wrong to force you into his children’s lives and that would have damaged his relationship with them, so this is the situation that’s left.

You didn’t get the step mum relationship you might have liked, but that’s no one’s fault. It seems a sad reason to end an otherwise happy marriage with a good man.

She made that choice though. The stepdaughters didn't force her to remain without children.

Put them in their place?!? What a lovely manner you have with people.

@thursdaymurderclub maybe because her husband does not support our defend her in any way? I agree that she doesn't have to be in the SK's lives but having a husband who did not have my back would not work for me.

It’s not abuse. They just don’t want OP in their lives. And that’s fine for them to have boundaries. Just like it’s fine for step mums to put boundaries in place and choose not to see their step kids.

Step relatives aren’t family. Not every event needs to include everybody. This is the MN mantra.

my husband doesn't support or defend me in any way when it comes to his kids! i spent years battling for recognition as his wife.. but you know the old saying, you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink!.

sometimes when it comes to relationhips and marriage you have to pick you battles!

my DH and the step children had a hellish life prior to me coming into their lives, and nothing i could do could undo any of that trauma and I'm very proud of him for sticking by them when he could have been a coward like lots of dads and just walked away from them.

I'd do the counselling. You're aware now of what they've put you through. It's up to Dh now to see if he can see it too.

Why on earth has he not told them that their mother left him for someone else? She was the one who ended the marriage! They really shouldn’t be blaming you still after all this time.

Please don’t let it get to the point that your DH doesn’t go to his own daughter’s wedding. She already lost one parent at a very young age after being brought up in the shadow of mental health issues and it would be awful for her if he Dad didn’t go to her wedding.
I disagree with this. The DD has brought it upon herself. Nobody is asking her to pretend to be best buddies with the OP, all she had to do was be vaguely civil to the woman who has been her DF's wife for 25 years. The DD created this drama.

Don't waste another day. Do your own thing or in 10 years when you're
70 you'll wish you had.

I agree @senua.

I'm speaking from a position where my eldest SS thought I was the OW because that's what his mum led him to believe, when she was the one who had the affair. As soon as my DH realised this, he put him right. If he hadn't, that would have been the end for me.

Don’t you wonder why there isn’t any civility between the two women after 25 years?

OP think about what your life will be like if you don't leave and if you do leave. Either way things need to change. You need to let go of feeling that your decades of kindness and generosity will allow you a relationship with the girls. What can you do to be at the centre of DH's life? Is that even what you want? Your happiness and fulfilment matter as much as anyone else 's.

What drama? There’s no drama over this in the dd’s lives, the drama is in OPs marriage because a wedding has highlighted a situation that has been going on for years.

For all we know, it would make no difference to how the dds feel about having a stepmother, regardless of if they knew who had the first affair. It could be that from their perspective, their mother was suffering from severe mental health issues and showing symptoms of that and when they needed their dad the most, he was busy creating a new life with someone else. We don’t know, but there’s clearly some reason they’d prefer to keep their relationship with their dad between themselves, and that’s their prerogative.

This was my first thought too! So sorry Op as it sounds like you've had a miserable time. Hope you can look forward to a better future as you deserve true happiness & being properly loved.

Cut to now and both DDs are getting married next year and DH is invited but not me. They've made it clear they don't want me involved or to be part of any future family set up when they have children

Im assuming that will also mean no free childcare from you even in emergencies.

Dont end up in this situation @atacrossroadstoday

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/4888934-caring-for-step-grandchild?page=1