Maybe it's time to separate after 25 years

[atacrossroadstoday]

Met DH 25 years ago. He'd been separated from his ex-partner for a year (she left him for someone else) and had two DDs age 8 and 6.

We dated quietly and all was fine until his ex found out about us after a year and went wild. I'm talking smashing up property and physical attacks. I should've walked away then but didn't. She had severe mental health issues and life was pretty traumatic. I think I got caught up in saviour syndrome, trying to smooth everything and calm situations and brokering agreements.

We bumbled along and eventually married but DDs never accepted me, partly as the ex said I split the family up and their dad had an affair with me, which wasn't true.

The ex died quite unexpectedly when the girls were at university. It was a hard time and we gave continuous support.

Cut to now and both DDs are getting married next year and DH is invited but not me. They've made it clear they don't want me involved or to be part of any future family set up when they have children.

I feel so stupid and exhausted. I've poured years into trying to make it work, including time and huge financial commitments too. And all for nothing.

I'm now at a crossroads. Do I accept this new situation or call it quits and try and build a new life. DH feels in the middle but is excited at the weddings and potential grandchildren.

I feel such a fool.

Any advice?

No. Kids should always be the priority.

I'd be gone. I wouldn't put up with that. Leave the f**ckers to it.

But her husband didn’t have her back. Did he ever say to his girls ‘girls, I never cheated on your mum. I’m sorry to tell you but she made that up. Op and I didn’t even meet till a year after we’d separated. I love her and I can’t let you go on thinking that she helped me cheat on your mum, that never happened. I wish you could appreciate the effort she’s put into you.’
because once they are adults, that’s what he should have done.

I don’t know op. I’m unwilling to go along with the leave brigade here, maybe he has had a realisation. Maybe he was weak but also you could have put your foot down about your support years ago. Couples counselling may help you build your boundaries to protect yourself as well as show him what he is breaking by what he thinks of as taking the easy path.

Life is short…do what makes you happy.
it sounds a dreadful situation x

@Illpickthatup

"As his wife, you should be his priority, not his kids. Especially now that they are no longer kids."

Your comment suggests that she should've been his priority even before they were adults. I don't think that's fair that a partner is a priority over and above a person's children. I don't think it's particularly nice what OP's SDs have done but at the same time no, I don't agree a relationship should come before children in priority terms

This, with bells on!

His DDs are behaving atrociously but this is because they have been lied to and misled all these years by their own parents. Your DH has been happy to throw you under the bus from almost the beginning. This will not change.

Even if he does confront them now with home truths, the damage is done.

I would absolutely talk to a solicitor about your financial position and divorce. But if you do stay, I would advise your complete withdrawal from his DDs. And a watertight will so that you are not penalised in anyway if he dies first.

Not inviting you to the wedding is awful. Really awful.

Let's say you were the ow? That's years ago now anyway. The dds' grudges against clearly keep them warm in bed at night.

I would say to you spineless h that you've had enough and that you are thinking of leaving him.

Putting the kids' interests first does not mean allowing them to believe in and perpetuate lies. Nor does it mean suspending your own life in order to avoid their feelings being hurt.

Some people seem to think children should be protected from facing any reality at any cost. Ridiculous.

Anyway, op, you sound extremely kind but now it's time to be kindest to yourself and focus on you and your needs. What's done is done, yes but you need to focus on you now. For once.

I’m guessing you do all the housework and food? Dh wants someone to look after him when he’s old. Leave, OP. Tell him you are happy to stay friends and see him from time to time but you are heart sick of being second and blamed for everything.

It sounds like you have allowed him to ruin your life and all your dreams, whilst always hoping he and the girls would come round. To give up your own dreams of kids for this is tragic. It’s one of the saddest stories I’ve read on MN in years.

Yes, I believe when you choose to marry someone you are choosing to make them your priority. I'm not saying kids shouldn't be well looked after and cared for, of course kids needs should be met but they should not have been allowed to treat OP the way they have. Her DH should have nipped this in the bud long ago and corrected the lies from his ex wife. Children shouldn't be raised thinking the world revolves around them. Your job as parent should be to raise them to be good adults, not to be their friend or make sure they get everything they want. Ultimately kids will leave and your spouse will be all you have and if you've spent 2 decades putting them last then there won't be much of a marriage left when the kids leave. Case and point in the OP. OPs DH has failed as a father and a husband.

It seems to me that while you've invested emotionally and financially in his daughters, have been their steady maternal figure, you have unconsciously mothered him. I use the word “mothered” not in a negative sense towards you but that he’s used it to be self-indulgent, taken you for granted.
I’ve name changed for this as my widowed father had a girlfriend who I couldn’t accept. However my love for him and his happiness with her would have outweighed my feelings. I’d have just put up and shut up, got on with it.
If I were you I’d walk away. It’s gone on for too long and is entrenched. No one should treat you like this.

Op I'm sorry but I wouldn't be pissed off about not being invited to a wedding as that's just minuscule but the fact that you have put your whole life on hold because your DH didn't want anymore kids to avoid upset with his current ones. I think you do need counselling not to reconcile the relationship but for yourself only so you can accept and absorb what's happened in the last 25 years with your DH and rebuild your true identity and then decide if you want to spend another 20-30 years with this man!

Your DH should have had your back, but the fact that he has reacted so strongly and said he's not going to the weddings indicates to me that OP has never said anything like this before. Now that she finally has, he's responded. And he's suggested counselling.

What have his DDs said @atacrossroadstoday?

It's a good sign that he's listened and taken your feelings onboard and finally put you ahead of his kids. Maybe he's had his head in the sand about how bad things were. Telling his DDs he won't be attending their weddings is huge. May be too little too late though. It's completely up to you whether you think it's worth doing couple counselling or whether there's too much water under the bridge. It might be worth giving it a chance then if you choose to walk away you know you've really tried.

He has had a realisation all right! Like a PP said hes now shit scared hes going to lose his old age carer!

I fear he’s just set you up as the bad guy again, OP

he can sit and wait, while the girls capitulate, or you capitulate. Any unpleasantness will be between you and them. He is taking his favourite path of least resistance. If you do end up splitting , his family will be firmly on his side which is what us important to him

I do wonder what he has told them.

Option 1: the truth
Option 2: that he can’t go to the wedding because you threatened to leave him if he does.

My suspicion is that he has, at best, gone for a mix but something that is closer to Option 2. And if so, then you have been thrown under the bus yet again.

The fact that he isn’t going suggests Option 2. He has not put the record straight, has he? But now you feel obliged to stay.

He needs to grow a spine

me and my ex never told our children the reason for our divorce.. and when he passed away last year, there didn't seem much point tainting the picture the kids had of their dad.. he is not here to defend himself, and the past is the past.

the OP says that they met when he was separated.. so maybe in the ex's eyes he did cheat on her because technically they were still married? and maybe the children see the OP as the other woman?

there's lots of thing here, and its been 25 years, so you have to ask what has happened in those 25 years? my relationship with my step children is turbulent, and its one thing after another with them, sometimes its relentless in the issues.. so when the ope says 'skip to now'... there's no mention of whats gone on in the past 25 years... there's a whole story not being told

the OP says that they met when he was separated.. so maybe in the ex's eyes he did cheat on her because technically they were still married?

it's in her OP. In fact it's from the same sentence you chose. The ex cheated.

He'd been separated from his ex-partner for a year (she left him for someone else) and had two DDs age 8 and 6.

Did the mum stay single or did she remarry?

This is insane! How on earth have they been allowed to be rude for so long?. He should’ve nipped this in the bud when they were young.

it’s really good that he’s said he’s now not going to the wedding. But what will this actually achieve? They’re not going to suddenly realise they’ve behaved terribly & play happy families. It will be strained & awkward & you’ll still be excluded.

Such a terrible way for you to be treated op.

ok.. i'm simply trying to give some kind of reasoning why the OP's partners ex would tell the kids that he had cheated!

my DH had been divorced 10 years when i met him and his ex wife still accused me of stealing her man!! some women are not rational.

@thursdaymurderclub clearly to save her own skin and deflect the fact that it was her who had the affair. That's what happened to me.

i do not doubt that OP's ex made herself to be the victim.. but there has to be more 'stuff' to have happened in the past 25 years? 25 years is a long time to battle with step children... i've been doing it 11 years now, and its exhausting..

the OP will have met these children when they were what 8 or 9? she's had 25 years to forge a relationship with these children.. i would bet my entire months wage on their being something else

To answer @thursdaymurderclub there was a lot of ongoing harassment from the ex for a long time before she died. The girls were very much used as pawns between both parents and lots of control issues.

From my view point, it struck me that both parents regretted the marriage, having children, basically most of the decisions until they separated but whereas he built a new life, she did not and it became very bitter. That bitterness was instilled in the girls but they find it difficult to challenge their dad so it landed on me instead. It almost became a habit more than anything. It's all so sad and not sure how they can make it better. How I'm viewing it is that if I walk away then it removes me completely then they all have to deal with each other.

I've lost sight of what is right or wrong in all of this. I'm not sure there is a right.

I don't think step families work. Not when there is such underlying issues.

Not that it matters, but DH and his ex were never married.