Help please

[Lemonmelon1]

Please no judgments on my post as I'm already being hard enough on myself.

So dh and I have been married for a year and together for nearly 3 years. I have 3 children 14, 11 and 9 all with additional needs. They live with us and do eow with their dad. Dh has a son who is 6 and also does eow with us and one night during the week.

At the start everything was great. I got on really great with ss and blending our family was super easy. The last year or so things have changed massively. I think since we got married ss lovely mum has been bad mouthing me and ss has changed a lot. He keeps away from me, often acting almost scared of me. I have tried to remain the same but I have mental health issues myself that are very complex and being 'rejected' has been a huge trigger for me. I know I'm the adult I'm expected to just get on with it but being a carer for my 3 children, the only driver in the house and managing my own illness it's all just become too much for me.
I still provide a warm, safe and welcome environment for ss. I would never see anything happen to him while under our care, but the relationship has completely broken down and we no longer communicate.
It is creating an environment that I cannot sustain. I really want to get over this but no matter how hard I'm trying I'm finding myself increasingly irritable and frustrated.
Please does anyone have any positive advice for me.
Thanks.

Two genuine questions.

1. How did she bribe him?
2. Why get with a woman with 3 kids if he isn't Interested in kids?

He said when they got together he said he didn’t want kids. After getting married she said she wanted a baby and if not they’d divorce.
Now he has a child of his own he was happy to date and marry someone with children.

This exactly. Our marriage itself works incredibly well despite what others may think. Dh however is unable to drive due to his health so seeing sc is a challenge as it relies on either me driving or dh doing a near enough 5 hour round trip which does also impact his health at times.

“the marriage can work fine” was not a compliment.

I totally agree with you that an amazing husband should do more for his own child and not put it all on me.
my problem is I’m too much of a people pleaser and go ott to help others and then I burn myself out. I’ve got myself into this situation and I feel stupid for it tbh.
I did have a heated discussion with dh this week as he doesn’t seem to see our family unit as a priority at all. He wants to provide for sc which he should do and is committed to doing but then he doesn’t provide towards the family he is living in at all. He is on thin ice. My eyes are opening. I’m too much of a nice person always wanting to help others out and then end up being taken advantage of.

It sounds like the rubber is hitting the road in your marriage. I am sorry but it was inevitable because the burden that you took on to help bring this relationship to fruition (all the driving, parenting, caretaking) seemed like a good idea but was unmatched by your dh and unsustainable on your part.

It is sad because these choices that you made—especially housing, location, etc…were all made with good intentions.

He wants to provide for sc which he should do and is committed to doing but then he doesn’t provide towards the family he is living in at all.

But.... You said he was an amazing step-dad?

Let's be honest OP. He's not an amazing anything is he? He's a lazy bastard who doesn't contribute financially, doesn't work, doesn't have his son during the school holidays even though he doesn't work, and probably wouldn't even see his own son if it was left to him...

You say there is an on-going court case which is costing your husband "lots and lots"? What is the court case for? And how is DH paying for it? Or are you....?

With lazy selfish losers who target people pleasers, the relationship only ever works well if the people pleaser is a complete mug with zero boundaries and pays for everything, does everything.

The minute a people pleaser queries things and even slightly asserts herself, the wonderful fabulous loser is suddenly not so nice.

He's a complete waste of space that you are paying for, from money that should be for your children solely.

It's really sad to here you reiterate that this loser is a great step father🙄.

He doesn't give a damn about your or your children or how you running your health into the ground who devastate your childrens lives.

He cares only for himself and doing as little as possible.

It does seem like his really done a number on you with wool over eyes.

He sounds like a complete drain. He brings nothing to your house or your children other than a mere male presence. That’s without him being a poor parent to his own child.

You left a terrible relationship and jumped into another red flag that was hiding as a beige flag.