Help please

[Lemonmelon1]

Please no judgments on my post as I'm already being hard enough on myself.

So dh and I have been married for a year and together for nearly 3 years. I have 3 children 14, 11 and 9 all with additional needs. They live with us and do eow with their dad. Dh has a son who is 6 and also does eow with us and one night during the week.

At the start everything was great. I got on really great with ss and blending our family was super easy. The last year or so things have changed massively. I think since we got married ss lovely mum has been bad mouthing me and ss has changed a lot. He keeps away from me, often acting almost scared of me. I have tried to remain the same but I have mental health issues myself that are very complex and being 'rejected' has been a huge trigger for me. I know I'm the adult I'm expected to just get on with it but being a carer for my 3 children, the only driver in the house and managing my own illness it's all just become too much for me.
I still provide a warm, safe and welcome environment for ss. I would never see anything happen to him while under our care, but the relationship has completely broken down and we no longer communicate.
It is creating an environment that I cannot sustain. I really want to get over this but no matter how hard I'm trying I'm finding myself increasingly irritable and frustrated.
Please does anyone have any positive advice for me.
Thanks.

Problem is op you love your dh till the ss is around. You start bordering on the wicked step mum vibe there. That your dh is great and lovely and everything’s perfect will this horrid little boy comes.

You dh choices not to parent, to live further away, to not bother with one on one. To do the bare minimum visit wise. Just because your happy with your ex’s low visits doesn’t mean that’s other men shouldn’t be better parents more involved.

I want our blend to work.
How to I build a thicker skin.
How do I let go of wanting to care for ss but not being able to protect him as his parents make different choices.

OP, you have only so much time and energy and you are wasting on a lazy selfish man and his child.

You are wasting time, money and resources that should be for your children on him.

You need to stop focusing on this 6 year old with two parents and focus on your own poor children that have real challenges every day.

I never understand why people spend energy on the child rearing of other children when their own need help.

You cannot change this situation so focus on your own business.

As for the driving?
Utterly ridiculous.
You need to say no more and leave it to his parents to work it whatever way they can.

I really feel for your children in this situation.

I have taken a step back and no longer provide for ss here financially and dh does do the parenting of him.
Family days out I try and focus on my kids but ss is often a trigger for my youngest hence me trying to do things apart too.
As for the driving, neither of the parents drive. I got myself into a shit situation by promising I'd drive dh to get ss if we didn't live close. We did look for houses in lots of areas including close to ss. But the best house and the one we were accepted for (renting is a nightmare here at the moment) happened to be 30 mins from ss. But moving closer to him would have meant moving my kids from their schools etc so staying in this county made more sense.
Dh has started doing one collection a month but it still leaves me driving for 5 collections and 7 drop offs a month lol.
I'm trying to be the best I can for everyone and I'm just burning out.
I don't mean to be pointing the finger at the ex or the child. I'm just struggling and trying to find a balance and a way forward that works for everyone.

That’s a bit like asking advice on making a Sunday roast when you only have sausages and chips.

i.e, a DH that’s an ineffectual parent isn’t the right ingredient for a blended family regardless of what the child’s mum does or doesn’t do.

Dh struggles in general with parenting. He never wanted children but his ex bribed him into it. Now he has ss he dotes on him and loves him loads but he just isn't a natural parent But he does try hard. He is really hands on with my kids. Helping to walk them to school and cooking food for us all etc.
he wants to be the best he can and he takes on any suggestions given. He's not a bad or lazy guy at all.

I mean this kindly.
What happens to your children if you burn out?
Who will step up?
Have you given that serious thought?
The 6 year old will be fine, he has two parents.
What about your 3 children?

You are full of excuses unfortunately.
If you collapse you will not be bringing the 6 year old to school.
But who will look after your poor children?

You are putting this couple and their child ahead of your own children by doing this driving.
No matter what excuse you write, that is so so wrong.

I 100% see where you are coming from.
If I don't do the driving ss wouldn't be able to come over

That is not on YOU.

Your childrens care IS on YOU.

It really is that simply.
Put your own children first.
Tell your husband to find another house that will work better.

Everything is falling to you.
THAT is why you are feeling burnt out.

Time to mind yourself before circumstances overwhelm you and your health goes.

My friend was like you last year. Doing everything. Everything on her, selfish, lazy, self important academic husband who loved travellingto conferences🙄, working full-time, 3 teens, both sets of parents needing her to be their skivvy.

She collapsed and was in hospital with an autoimmune illness.
3 weeks in hospital. Consultant told her she has heart issues too.
She will be dead in a few years if she didn't change.
Her husband has had to take over EVERYTHING.
She has no involvement with the care of either sets of parents now, her siblings and her husbands have had to step up.
They now suddenly are paying for cleaners, gardeners, after years of saying no.
She has returned to work part-time and goes to her local hotel for a swim every single day.
She walks for 30 minutes every single day. Her children have had to get their shit together and step up and they have.
Her life has changed utterly.
She looks the best she has in 20 years.
She is so thankful that she got the chance to change.

When your health goes, everything falls apart.

He can do all that for your kids but can't see his own 6 year old more than EoW, and can't have him in the holidays?

Slow clap.

It's easy to say get my husband to find another house but that is basically us splitting up in reality. It would change to me seeing him eow and maybe in the week. That would not work at all. I'd rather be single than that happen and I don't want that.

We were doing a Friday night every week but works out better to do a full weekend eow.
I've already explained we can't have him during the week overnight as we can't get him to school on time.

You said you have child 25% - how if you are EOW.

EOW wouldn’t work for you, an adult yet the child is expected to have EOW in a house with other ppl and not cause irritation and frustration?

Don’t you see how unfair that is?

We see him one day in the week after school until his bed time. We were having him at ours that night but like I say we can't get him to school on time. But during the holidays he is with us that night and the whole next day. Also do extra during the summer and during the 2 week half terms.

Unfortunately when families split the children ultimately have to see parents part time. They can't see both parents all the time. But a marriage is different. Unless husband works away the norm is to live together.

I'm not saying any of it is fair on the kids. It still breaks my heart that my first marriage broke and my kids now have a broken home. However having 2 parents apart and happy is better than together and always arguing.

You don't seem to be factoring in your husband's child. You keep making excuses that he can't work, you can't do this or that for step son and his mother has him in childcare etc. Your husband is not a good father. You are struggling with your 3 children. What does he contribute if he's paying half his ex's mortgage and doesn't work? Why can't he learn to drive?

This is not the child's fault. Poor kid sounds like he'd be better off not having anything to do with your family as you resent him so much. His father doesn't seem to care either, he's an inconvenience.

Get a divorce. Parent your own children and leave husband to deal with his.

I am here asking for advice as I want this to work. I recognise my faults and wanted support and encouragement to help overcome these issues.

My husband has not been able to contribute financially for the last 18 months due to maintenance, the ex mortgage and ongoing court costs to sort the house out. This has led to resentments which is why I've stepped back financially.

I don't understand why people are so quick to say divorce. We want this to work and we are both willing to adapt and make changes. I'm looking for non biased opinions about how we could do this.

Time a s consistency. He's only 6. I'm watching my 6 yr old at a swimming lesson at the moment and he's still so little. Your husband needs to spend more time with him, in the holidays and elsewhere. You need to keep being loving towards him, and he will come back when he feels more confident with you.

Thank you. This is the sort of advice I'm looking for. It's been a while since my son was that young and each child is so different.

It sounds like he wants his dad. If he spends a lot less time in your household and then you were looking after him, it's no wonder he has been attention seeking. Especially if he spends a lot of time in childcare too. He needs love bombing from his dad and proper connection with his primary care givers.

This is why people are quick to say divorce. You are prioritising your husband over your children.

He doesn't contribute. He doesn't parent his child. He expects you to take him with your children. You do all the running around for his child. You're frustrated with the child because of this and the 6 year old can feel that and has no way of defending himself or expressing himself other than to withdraw.
You're exhausted. Your own mental health is suffering and it's your children who will suffer as a result because you have them full time (excluding the minimal EOW their father has them).

This situation is not good for a 6 year old child that is unwanted. It is not good for you or your children. The only person benefitting is a selfish husband.

I can completely see your view point. Thank you for being so honest with me.

If your kids walk to school and neither of you has a job why can’t you take SS to school even if it’s half an hour away? By you I mean his dad but if you insisted on the location of your current house on the basis you’d continue the existing contact schedule it’s not okay to decide it’s too much hassle.

I’m rolling my eyes like mad at the idea she bribed him to have a baby. What did she offer him? But the point is he agreed and now he’s a dad and he seems much more inclined to help you bring your kids up than do anything for his.

You say you’re both willing to compromise but there’s no evidence of that.

I walk my kids to school. The youngest is not old enough to walk alone and the other two aren't able to due to their learning difficulties. They need me to walk them to school. I could then take ss to school but he would be 10-15 minutes late which his mum was not happy with. If dh were to catch the bus to take him to school they would have to leave around 6.45 to ensure being there on time which wouldn't be fair for ss.
As mentioned, I cannot realistically move county. That would mean my 3 children leaving their current schools 2 of which are special needs units and hard to get a place at. My daughter would also lose her hospital consultant who she has been with 6 years and knows her well.
We do the best we can with contact.

Also I did not insist on this location. We applied for rental properties close to ss and close to my children's school. This was the only one we were chosen for as we have a dog which a lot of landlords didn't want.
It's not a case of my deciding it is no long convenient to drive over. I am unable to work due to ill health and am struggling to keep going.

@Lemonmelon1 I think the point @AnneLovesGilbert was making is that your children walk to school. Why can't your husband walk them to school on the one morning you would have your ss so you can take him to school, on time?

Your children need someone to walk them to school, it doesn't have to be you on that one morning.