Help please

[Lemonmelon1]

Please no judgments on my post as I'm already being hard enough on myself.

So dh and I have been married for a year and together for nearly 3 years. I have 3 children 14, 11 and 9 all with additional needs. They live with us and do eow with their dad. Dh has a son who is 6 and also does eow with us and one night during the week.

At the start everything was great. I got on really great with ss and blending our family was super easy. The last year or so things have changed massively. I think since we got married ss lovely mum has been bad mouthing me and ss has changed a lot. He keeps away from me, often acting almost scared of me. I have tried to remain the same but I have mental health issues myself that are very complex and being 'rejected' has been a huge trigger for me. I know I'm the adult I'm expected to just get on with it but being a carer for my 3 children, the only driver in the house and managing my own illness it's all just become too much for me.
I still provide a warm, safe and welcome environment for ss. I would never see anything happen to him while under our care, but the relationship has completely broken down and we no longer communicate.
It is creating an environment that I cannot sustain. I really want to get over this but no matter how hard I'm trying I'm finding myself increasingly irritable and frustrated.
Please does anyone have any positive advice for me.
Thanks.

It worked out at 3 nights a week but a week of it was a solid week and the other week day bit was an extra night and full day. So over summer he spent 5 weeks in childcare 4 days a week.

Sorry to be straightforward but you are falling into the ‘evil stepmother’ trap of me me me. You want to be a blended family. You want time with no kids around. You are the adults, you’ve got all the decision making and power. This kid has no power over his own life. No say in whether he wants to live with 3 challenging step sibs. And he’s lost his 1 on 1 time with his dad.

you’ve had lots of feedback here, think you’d do well to listen to it rather than defend yourself repeatedly.

if i was you I’d swap it so the boy came on the non-your kids weekends. His dad can step up and give him what he needs. You still get time to decompress, you don’t need to tag along with them. Most married couples with children don’t get any child free time so you can make do with the evenings like more traditional families.

I certainly don't think you are an evil step mother, more like a mug.

How quick your husband is, who does fxxk all, pays for fxxk all, holds you to a commitment you made some time ago, despite 3 disabled children and a worsening health condition.

He sounds a right piece of work.
Holding you to account.

How about you hold him to account?

I feel so sorry for your children.
They are so vulnerable and their vulnerable mother is being used by a lazy waster.

I knowvthats harsh, but you really should wake up to just how absolutely put upon you are.

A 6 year old with two parents and you are the one that is run ragged juggling...🙄

I am waking up to how put upon I am. I tell him I feel taken advantage of and he does his puppy dog eyes and says how sorry he is and how much he loves me.
There have been a few eye opening moments the last few months but something keeps me here.

He sounds the kind of guy that if you left he would have a new women doing all the women’s work within months.

His well and truly got you where he wants making his life easy. You care more about his child than he does. Says a lot.

I think its about time you woke up to this.

It is wholly unbelievable that it is you who is run ragged and neither of the childs parents.

You are 100% being used.
Your husband and his puppy eyes sound repulsive.
Decent men don't have to resort to bullshit like puppy eyes.🙄

That would give most women the total ick🤢🤮.

Does fxxk all to support his family, allows the women he supposedly "loves" run herself and her health into the ground.

OP, I'm married decades and yours is not a love I want, would tolerate, would believe in.

Actions, not words, and certainly not bloody puppy eyes, ..... are what count in the real world.

Solid practical help and solutions are what make marriages work, not puppy eye bullshit.

'I love my dh to pieces. Yes granted I probably didn't study his parenting techniques enough at the start. We all wear those rose tinted glasses with someone new.
I still am madly in love with my hubby and when it's just us and my kids it's all fine. It's a thing involving ss that things turn negative. It's the only times we've ever disagreed.'

Within 3 years you have met and married this man and moved all 4 children, who have SN and are all in their formative years, under the same roof. How could you not think there would be issues? It's all too quick and you say SS is the only thing you disagree over... his parenting of his only son is a pretty big thing to disagree over.

The way you've come on here bashing the mother is awful.... but you're married to a man that only provides 1/4 of the care this child needs and obviously even in that time doesn't want to spend 1:1 time with him. I don't think either of you are in any position to question how much time she spends with her son.

Another clusterfuck caused by adults putting their wants ahead of children's needs.

Another clusterfuck caused by adults putting their wants ahead of children's needs.

This resonates so hard, my poor DC are in this situation because of my ex and his wife-to-be moving at and moving in at breakneck speed

OP, I don't actually think you sound as put-upon as some do, because you've chosen it. I think you were very naïve and foolish to think you could have anything more to possibly give when you have 3 children with SEND who need you very much, and have MH issues yourself. But all the compromising when it comes to the children seems to affect your DSS and not your DC.

Would 2 of your DC really lose their places at their special schools if you moved into the next county? I know lots of people with DC at special schools in different counties, with the LA paying for transport in the form of taxis in these situations.

Your DSS needs time alone with your DH or even time alone with the both of you, and yet your DC are always there during his weekends and one measly week of holidays during the summer. If you want to do the right thing you should change that, even if it means you breaking up.

Oh and the mother isn't unreasonable for not liking you & your DH making her son late for school FFS, which you are definitely insinuating.

Most people don't think you're an evil stepmother but that your husband is a lazy and selfish father and husband. 'Laid back' doesn't mean what you think it means.

So my 3 children with all their disabilities should move house, school and county just to facilitate seeing ss more. Yes that would help ss but would cause major upset to my 3. County would not provide transport as they won't do it over a 10 mile distance so no chance they'd do it if we moved out of county. These places are incredibly hard to get as they are so in demand.

No your children shouldn’t have to move, your husband however should have thought about the impact of moving half an hour away from his schooling before moving in with you though.

I think that’s the whole issue here your husband has put zero thought into how anything affects his child vs he own wants.

No you should be putting your children first and not moving as it causes them disruption.

Your husband should be putting his child first. He's not. He looks after yours though. Which makes you happy.

The 6 year old little boy gets no alone time with his useless dad and you resent him. Your children have time with their dad. Who you've also said you don't want to move your children away from.

Why are you so in love with a man that treats his child so badly when you wouldn't accept that for your own?

Imo you are coming across as a resentful and spiteful step parent. Your husband is selfish and lazy. His kid would be better off without either of you.

Sorry, I stand corrected; it was a dog and parenting 3 of somebody else's children that kept him from living close enough to his own child to be a present father. The bar is very low isn't it.

I can see where you are all coming from.
I was looking for some advice on how to help things but it seems everyone is just giving criticism of the things we've done wrong.
We are where we are now. Aside from splitting up we cannot change where we live.
I love him for the way he treats me, cares for me and respects me. The bond we have; the connection. He is an amazing step dad and an amazing husband.
I didn't realise so many people had an issue with contact. I thought eow and once in the week was the norm. It certainly is for the few families like mine that I know. I only saw my own dad once a week when I was growing up.
Anyway, it seems I'm not going to get any positive advice so I will leave it there.
Thanks

I love him for the way he treats me, cares for me and respects me. The bond we have; the connection. He is an amazing step dad and an amazing husband.

Pretty telling that being a dad isn't include anywhere in the list of his positive traits.

You say what's done is done, that's true, you've made your mistakes but you can fix them if you want to by changing your situation. But you don't seem to want to do that. Again, putting your wants ahead of children's needs.

Coming here looking for positive advice is a bit rich, you've received loads of advice, it's just not the advice you wanted so you're not going to take it.

Best of luck to you and all of your children, particularly the 6 year old, my heart really goes out to him.

When looking for a partner my main priority was someone that treated me and my kids well.
I don't want any more children so I was looking for a good father figure. As long as he treats me and my kids well that is what I was after.
Ss is the responsibility of his own mother and father. That isn't on me.

"As long as he treats me and my kids well that is what I was after.
Ss is the responsibility of his own mother and father. That isn't on me."

So you don't mind the fact that he's a shit dad as long as he's good to you and your kids? Lovely

Then why pretend you are here to get help in making things better for your stepson? Clearly, you aren't willing to put yourself out to do anything for him (you just said as much).

You mention a bus.
Could your husband go and pick up his son by bus for the weekends when your step son comes to your house?

@McSpoot how can you say I'm not willing to put myself out when I'm the one doing 3-5 hours a week or driving to get the kid! Often more than that tbh.

We have him 2 weekends a month. One of those pick ups dh has agreed to catch a bus but I still need to do the other pick up and 2 drop offs. The bus is 2 hours either way and with working out times etc takes about 6 hours from leaving here to getting home.
I then also do the driving every Tuesday night to see him and a Wednesday if he's been with us overnight.
I've tried to say to dh it's too much driving for me but he just states that I promised to get him to ss at the start. That was nearly 3 years ago and things were a lot easier back then. I was naive to how hard id find it but I feel held down to an agreement I maid.

“One of those pick ups dh has agreed to catch a bus but I still need to do the other pick up and 2 drop offs. The bus is 2 hours either way and with working out times etc takes about 6 hours from leaving here to getting home.“

Why can’t your husband do both pick ups?

Why can’t he do the drop offs too?

Yes, it’s a long time on a bus, but it’s preferable to you doing all the driving. Plus it gives him lovely one to one time with his son.

The Tuesday / Wednesday driving might be more doable for you if you didn’t have the weekend drives?

Just a suggestion.
Best wishes xx

So your husband doesn’t work but can’t have his child for more than 1 week out of 13 school holiday weeks?

poor kid but this isn’t on you to fix, your husband needs to take responsibility for his own child

I've read through all the posts and all I see are excuses for your partner's terrible behaviour. Even as far as you believing his ex bribed him to have a child.

I understand why accepting the reality of who he is as a father is too much to do. That's why we project so much, because facing the truth will cost us too much.

The whole situation sounds awful, for you and for the step child. It's very difficult when we can see that people are doing this ( denial, projection etc) and that can lead to alot of criticism of you - which I understand is hard

I imagine the mum is a pain and doing things that make this difficult. But failing to SEE what's going on here in reality is not helping anyone.