Help please

[Lemonmelon1]

Please no judgments on my post as I'm already being hard enough on myself.

So dh and I have been married for a year and together for nearly 3 years. I have 3 children 14, 11 and 9 all with additional needs. They live with us and do eow with their dad. Dh has a son who is 6 and also does eow with us and one night during the week.

At the start everything was great. I got on really great with ss and blending our family was super easy. The last year or so things have changed massively. I think since we got married ss lovely mum has been bad mouthing me and ss has changed a lot. He keeps away from me, often acting almost scared of me. I have tried to remain the same but I have mental health issues myself that are very complex and being 'rejected' has been a huge trigger for me. I know I'm the adult I'm expected to just get on with it but being a carer for my 3 children, the only driver in the house and managing my own illness it's all just become too much for me.
I still provide a warm, safe and welcome environment for ss. I would never see anything happen to him while under our care, but the relationship has completely broken down and we no longer communicate.
It is creating an environment that I cannot sustain. I really want to get over this but no matter how hard I'm trying I'm finding myself increasingly irritable and frustrated.
Please does anyone have any positive advice for me.
Thanks.

There are two issues there.
First of all ss and his mum would not want me taking him on my own.
Secondly due to my youngest daughters complex needs I have to be the one to take her to school. Older two would be fine with my dh but not my youngest.

Honestly op this whole blended situation seems a mess.

He shoukd of never given up his flat which was presumably near his son where they enjoyed a father son only relationship.

The whole family has to revolve around you/your children. Which for you is entirely right and as the driver.

But your husband as a good father should have never let this situation happen. He shouldn’t as a man who cannot drive if moved too far away to not be able to do a simple school run.

The dh you love isn’t a good father basically which if why you love him and it’s great when the child isn’t around. His child being around shows you how shit he is and makes life complicated.

Imagine though how complicated life is for that wee boy.

Also think about how much time effort and emotional energy your taking away from yourself and your own children to support and basically mother this man and his child.

OP do you have your SS when your children are there or does he come the weekend they are with their Dad? Does your SS get on with your children or does he perhaps find it a bit overwhelming for there to be three other children there?

I only ask because you mentioned in an earlier post that your SS is a trigger for one of your children.

Could you have him over when your children are with their father? There is quite an age difference and he may find it a bit overwhelming.

We have him the same weekend as my kids. They do all get on 90% of the time but occasionally ss is a trigger for my youngest so they need time apart other times they do lovely imaginative play together.
I need my child free weekend to refresh and switch off as my children takes all my energy.

Wow he chose keeping your dog over living close to his actual human child? If I were him and as an adult my dad told me 'we couldn't live close enough to see you more than eow or have you stay overnight so I could take you to school in the morning because renting a house is hard with a dog' I would never ever speak to any of you again.

It wasn't just because of the dog that would be ridiculous.
We did try for houses in his area but that would have meant a huge upheaval for my children. They would have been far away from friends, family and their dad. They would have had to change schools which isn't easy with 2 in special needs units. Also my youngest would have lost her consultant she's been under for 6 years.
Having a dog was just one of the reasons we were turned down from a few properties.

Think the SS needs weekends just him and his dad. Bit of a shit deal to suddenly have 3 step sibs with additional needs. Interesting you say that you need your child free weekends! Poor kid probably needs the same.

He gets child free weekends with his mother!!
ss is very sociable and adores my children.

He doesn't get any weekends with just his dad! He's 6.

Just like my children don't get any weekends with just me. That is what happens when you are blending a family. Or are we supposed to stay single or at least live on our own until our kids are adults.

@Lemonmelon1 You made that choice. Your children would have the weekend with you if SS had the weekend with his dad. He didn't get any say with being forced into sharing a room with a much older child who you also say is triggered by him.

I still am madly in love with my hubby and when it's just us and my kids it's all fine. It's a thing involving ss that things turn negative.
Wow. Poor kid.

He sounds normal to me. But if you and your kids have complex needs you might be incapable of recognising or parenting this. It’s probably in everyone’s best interests if the boy only comes over when his dad can care for him 1-2-1

I'm not keen on the term 'normal' however he isn't as you'd say 'normal'. His dad has ADHD and I can see ss has strong adhd and asd traits. Unfortunately his mother is one who doesn't agree with diagnosis.
I'm more than happy for them to have 1 on 1 time but I also need my child free time to recharge from my own children.

They may not get weekends but they get tonnes of weekdays with you and no other kids. Your ss gets no time with his dad and no other kids.

I'm a step mum and think step mums get a lot of unfair criticism on mumsnet. However I would really encourage you to listen to some of the criticism you are getting here.

Your ss is likely unhappy and insecure because he suddenly only gets to see his Dad every other weekend and a fraction of the holidays. It's not enough.

And it is ridiculous to criticise the child's mother for putting him in childcare when your husband refused to have him for 80% of the time (even though is apparently unemployed).

Your dh needs to prioritize his child, see him more, increase holiday contact. Otherwise you will continue to care for a sad little boy who misses his dad.

Poor child.

If you knew half the things ss mum does and the risky situations she puts her child in you'd understand more where I'm coming from. I can't go into the details here but it's not good. I'm not just an evil step mum or somebody who is jealous of dh ex. I wish we could all get on but she will not allow that. The amount of times I have tried to defend ss and protect him and it's just fallen on deaf ears. Dh is scared to say too much as she threatens to stop contact. I've told him it's just an empty threat and we'd take her to court for access if that did happen but he's still too laid back. It frustrates the hell out of me. I love and protect those closest to me and I've been unable to do that with ss as neither of his parents seem to have his best interests at heart.
The comment about the holidays was that she never takes a single day off during the school holidays and it just baffles me. When I was working every day off was spent with my kids. I get the odd day here and there to yourself but to use childcare for the whole of summer holidays when you're not working just blows my mind. The poor kid needs a break and he doesn't get it.
I do feel for ss. If things were better then he would be over here a lot more. This is why I've come here asking for support and advice. Not judgements.
When dh and I got together we did so much more for ss but the ex was taking advantage and some boundaries had to be put into place. I don't see the issue with ss being here during the week and being 10 mins late for school. He's only in primary and the school were fine with it but it was her putting a barrier in place not us.
So many of his family and friends have said ss would be better off with us as he'd have far more love, time and attention but dh doesn't want that as he doesn't feel it's fair to take ss from his mother. But that's a whole other story.
I haven't come on here as a bitter and twisted person looking to point blame so I'm sorry if it's come across that way. I just want to make our blended family the best it can be. I hate struggling the way I am and I'm looking for advice to help me cope and help me be better.
Splitting up is not something I want to do. Sometimes I do feel it may be the only answer but the love between dh and I is amazing and so true. We work great together and provide the kids with a loving relationship as an example. We never argue or have crossed words. We just need to learn to blend better

Just some random thoughts....
Could your ex do any more to support you and your joint 3 children?
Could you get some family counselling to try and work through issues within the blended family?
If there are concerns about the safety of your DSS, sorry, you have a responsibility to report to school safeguarding lead/SS (sounds like you are not alone with this observation).
If the school are happy for DSS to be slightly late to school so he can be overnight with you, you and DH should push for that.
Potentially need to look at alternative ways of your DSS coming to you, rather than you driving all the time.

knew half the things ss mum does and the risky situations she puts her child in you'd understand more where I'm com

So DSS is at risk with his mother yet dad is doing the square root of fuck all to protect his child from her?

If he’s so upset re DS being in childcare all summer (baring in mind that 1. Mum prob had to pay for it, 2. The child may have enjoyed/wanted to be with friends/activities), yet he only had him for 1 week?

I wouldn’t want my DC missing 10mins of school each week either and I doubt any good sch would be happy with this disruption.

Never arguing isn’t necessarily a good thing (and DH and I rarely row), esp when you’ve a man who cannot drive to collect his child, is reluctant to mind his child himself yet care after yours, doesn’t work so you pay all bills yet has money to pay for his ex’s mortgage, presumably has issues with how his ex is raising his child but does nothing about it.

I think there was more.

like, how can you even respect him?

The childcare last summer was free and ss did not like going there. We have ss for an average of 3 nights a week during school holidays so do have him extra for that time.
The school were fine with 10 mins late as they were still just in registration at that time. No work had started and he was only reception age at the time so wasn't even compulsory school age.

Reporting would open up a whole load of drama. If it gets any worse though I will do for sure.
Dh has started catching the bus for one collection but I still have to do all the others and the drop offs. Public transport takes him 2 hours each way. I've asked him to do more but he brings up that I promised to do it at the start. Which yes I did but my chronic condition has deteriorated along with my children's and it's breaking me.

If dss is living in such harms way and a terrible life with his mother then your dh not you again needs to actually do something about it.

All we keep hearing is how your worried how your doing this and that. While his own dad appears to not give a damn.

it’s just always excuses he can’t because of this. He won’t because of this.

It’s not an attractive trait to be a poor parent, which is what he is to his child.

My heart really goes out to you, particularly with your chronic condition - I also have one and it is hell. Not having to juggle a fraction of what you are either.
Ensure you are getting full support for your health too.....

Thankyou @Mumofoneandone for your understanding and empathy. People are so quick to point the finger as if in the evil step mum. I really am trying hard and adding ss to my load is really getting me down. Yes I know what I was getting into marrying a man with a child but you never fully know until you've done it. Also the child has changed in so many ways, as children do. Along with my health and my two girls. Life is just a struggle right now and I've only posted to get some helpful tips on how to improve things.

I don’t think you are an evil step mum. You have x3 disabled kids, are ill yourself - that’s already a lot and your DH is just additional strife.
It’s a messy situation and clearly your own DC are not getting the mum they should.

I think you are naive about your DH, he sounds like a passive cocklodger and shit father that’s happy for the women in his life to do his graft.

And your poor DSS. He has a mother who from what you’ve said doesn’t look after him, a Dad that’s the same and a step mum who finds him irritating and frustrating because he seeks attention.

Something has to give as it seems that the only person sitting pretty is your DH, everyone else seems miserable or not being sufficiently cared for.

P.S So if you had DSS x3 nights over summer then he wasn’t in childcare for all of it as presumably you had him for the day too?