Help please

[Lemonmelon1]

Please no judgments on my post as I'm already being hard enough on myself.

So dh and I have been married for a year and together for nearly 3 years. I have 3 children 14, 11 and 9 all with additional needs. They live with us and do eow with their dad. Dh has a son who is 6 and also does eow with us and one night during the week.

At the start everything was great. I got on really great with ss and blending our family was super easy. The last year or so things have changed massively. I think since we got married ss lovely mum has been bad mouthing me and ss has changed a lot. He keeps away from me, often acting almost scared of me. I have tried to remain the same but I have mental health issues myself that are very complex and being 'rejected' has been a huge trigger for me. I know I'm the adult I'm expected to just get on with it but being a carer for my 3 children, the only driver in the house and managing my own illness it's all just become too much for me.
I still provide a warm, safe and welcome environment for ss. I would never see anything happen to him while under our care, but the relationship has completely broken down and we no longer communicate.
It is creating an environment that I cannot sustain. I really want to get over this but no matter how hard I'm trying I'm finding myself increasingly irritable and frustrated.
Please does anyone have any positive advice for me.
Thanks.

This would be so much more doable. Hes making me out to be unfair asking for it. Hes very reluctantly agreed to that one pick up and moans about it non stop!

Let him moan.

You sound like you’re getting near breaking point, OP. And if that happens you won’t be driving anybody anywhere.

Check the bus timetable to make sure the return drop offs are feasible. If they are then I’d be inclined to tell him that it’s up to him if he gets the bus or not, but you won’t be doing anymore pick ups / drop offs at the weekends. Definitely don’t do both pick ups.

It could become a safety issue if you’re really not feeling up to it. And that’s dangerous.

That’s the problem op. Really unless he suddenly starts driving and gives a shit the only answer to actually fix the situation is separation.

Because him staying with you and parenting how he current is, is failing his child.

Rightly you don’t want to move and that would disrupt your children. Only one parent in this situation is doing what’s best for their children that’s you not him.

For him to do his best he needs to move closer or learn to drive, he needs to start spending more one on one with his own child. That’s what he needs to do.

You need to realise he might be a good partner (hard to believe when he will let you be ran ragged) but his not a good dad.

The problem , if I may say so, is your useless and selfish DH. Each of the adult women in this stiry have managed full time care (and work) for their children. Ehy cant DH manage even holiday care for his son? Why was he never 50/50? Why does he not “understand “ the obvious needs of each of the children in a blended family for one on one time with their parent? Why all these excuses for your dh?

He's moans because he doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself.

He's a total lazy waster wgo found a total mug in you.

All 4 children are being failed by the choices you both stick to.

That poor 6 year old most of all.

How you could find such a lazy waster attractive is unbelievable.

This is such a silly thing to say. Of course your children’s needs are high and your fragile arrangements have to come first. No one is asking you to sacrifice your children! But equally no one should have sacrificed dss’s interests in the altar of your romance with your dh.

The person who has the most flexibility and the most ability to sacrifice to make sure everyone’s needs are met safely is your puppy dog husband.

You snd your children are not being hard done by except by choice.

THE PROBLEM IS YOUR HUSBAND.

Not you. Not the step sons mother. Not the step son.

There is zero way of helping you until you accept where the problem is.

He isn't 'laid back'. He is lazy.

'If you knew half the things ss mum does and the risky situations she puts her child in you'd understand more where I'm coming from. I can't go into the details here but it's not good.'
Right. So it's so bad and even though your husband is unemployed he still doesn't do any solo parenting. And it's not him that's the problem 🤔

Exactly... your Husband thinks his child is in danger with his mother, but won't get off his own lazy arse to learn to drive, get the bus, fight for custody, do anything???

What a deeply unpleasant, unattractive man you've lumbered yourself with

I can see where you're coming from and how husband is in the wrong.
But how do I change it?

@Lemonmelon1 How do you change it? You leave him. Is that not already obvious?

I don't want to leave him.
As I've said, he treats me and the kids amazing well. Having come from a 17 year abusive marriage I'm now with someone who loves and appreciates me. He shares the load with housework etc. He is my rock when I'm down and never fails to make me smile.
Yes he can't drive. At the moment he can't contribute much financially but that will change soon.
I do perhaps need to be more firm with things. But when you marry someone it's for better or worse. I don't understand why the advice on here is always so quick to say divorce.

If you want to stay that’s fine but no point in then moaning about how he is with his son. You just have to accept his shit in that department.

In another 5 years his son will of even given up on him is this continues or you will of likely given up on the husband if it continues anyway.

Sorry if I have missed it, but can your husband learn to drive? Not sure if there are health barriers. I don't think you are a wicked stepmother. I do think you both rushed into things without considering the impact on the children. But fundamentally, he chose to move away from his child with no way of getting back easily and that is all on him. If there is nothing stopping him from learning, that should be his priority.

You should not be stuck doing the driving now it has become too much. Yes you agreed years ago, but circumstances change and his son is his responsibility. Poor boy must find it a big culture shock going from being the only child at his mum's to a busy house where he is one of four kids and everyone has additional needs.

Well if you're happy being with your partner who is a shit father, can't drive, doesn't contribute financially to the household... why the hell are you here?

Go live your sub par life, with your crap expectations, low self esteem and be happy with it. Don't worry that the children are suffering... what you WANT is most important OP. Fair play to you

He can't learn to drive due to his health unfortunately.
I am lucky in that the kids enjoy a lot of their own time so the eldest two are mainly in their rooms so it's ss and youngest we do most things with. They do get on great most of the time. Ss is very proud to introduce his 'brother and sisters' to everyone. This is what he has chosen to call them.

@HelpAGirlOut1234
I am here to ask for advice on bonding with ss more.
My life is not sub standard. It had challenges but it has far more positives.

Don't bother bonding with him, his father doesn't make the effort, why would you? And the likelihood is he will not want to spend anytime in your house anyway in a few years time because his father makes no effort with him and he's been forced to share his time and his house with 3 children with additional needs, so all this running around you're doing, which his father can't be arsed to do, is pointless... and your own children are missing out on time with their mother for this pointless exercise.
Where the hell are your standards? Where are your priorities? Putting your wants ahead of children's needs is awful.
I give up really....

I'm afraid you only have one choice op. Actually 2. You either completely split up with him is choice 1. Choice 2 is to live in separate houses (he moves back near his son) and see each other only when the children are with their other parent.

Your idea of a blended family is an impossible dream given the logistical problems you have presented throughout.

Tell him he's been unfair about the driving, as you said you'd do it three years ago and a lot has changed. He has to step up and do more, and one thing would be to relieve you of the driving that takes up time and energy. The situation has changed and his son needs the support, and so do you. You do so much else that benefits him, it's selfish for him to say 'but you agreed you'd do it' when he can see you're struggling. Marriage is about teamwork and in this respect he's not doing his bit. He's also missing out since, as a pp said, it could be time to chat with his son just them, talk about school. Tell him all that and that if you're pushed too hard, you'll collapse and there will be no driving at all.

Thanks @CatGuardian for some great advice there.
I will certainly ask dh to take on more of the collection and dropping off.
We are all happy with the current contract times, that being the ex, ss, dh and myself.
Thank you for all pointing out he needs more one on one time with his dad. This is something I've tried to suggest over the summer but dh thought it was me leaving ss out and pushing them away but it's not that at all. I can see how many others think this is vital and I will encourage this more too. I was thinking Saturday being a day to focus on daddy/son time and me with my 3 and then Sunday can by a good family day.

If OP has come out of a dv situation lasting 17 years you can see the attraction of this limp dishrag of a man. She feels safe with him because he is too incompetent to survive in the wild. And he does a lot in his role of house husband that mimics the behavior of a more functional person. However the downside of a man like this is that they easily take dictation from stronger people and then eventually just collapse and default.

Isnt this the story of how he got the first wife pregnant and then defaulted out of the relationship? Then he is “too sick” to work or drive (and too financially incompetent to run a car even if he could drive). Now he has moved in with OP who is effectively a single parent to three high needs children and he is trading love and cuddles and a few meals for her taking on his limited parenting duties.

If OP ever starts asking him to pull his weight he will be off like a bride’s nighty.

So your DH wouldn't ever see his own child if you couldn't pick him up and drop him off?

Wow.

Before we got together he lived close enough to walk to his son so he saw him.
we looked into both areas and it made more sense to live where we do and also it was the only property suitable we could find.
on the times I have been unable to drive him over due to ill health etc he has rearranged the visits. If I turned round and said I wasn’t able to do any of the driving any more I’m not sure how he’d react tbh.

Well he wouldn't see his son would he?

But going from your previous posts I'm not sure why that would bother you?

Because then he could continue being an "amazing husband and step dad" to you all without the hassle of looking after his own kid.

Also @Lemonmelon1, an "amazing husband" doesn't make his wife run round after his own child and then moan when he has to go and pick his child up himself. Even though he doesn't work or contribute financially.

As others have said, you have very, very low standards....

The marriage can work fine but I don’t see how the relationship with the 9 year old works out. The husband is not capable or willing to do what would have to be done and OP will burn out if she takes on any more of both families load.