Help please

[Lemonmelon1]

Please no judgments on my post as I'm already being hard enough on myself.

So dh and I have been married for a year and together for nearly 3 years. I have 3 children 14, 11 and 9 all with additional needs. They live with us and do eow with their dad. Dh has a son who is 6 and also does eow with us and one night during the week.

At the start everything was great. I got on really great with ss and blending our family was super easy. The last year or so things have changed massively. I think since we got married ss lovely mum has been bad mouthing me and ss has changed a lot. He keeps away from me, often acting almost scared of me. I have tried to remain the same but I have mental health issues myself that are very complex and being 'rejected' has been a huge trigger for me. I know I'm the adult I'm expected to just get on with it but being a carer for my 3 children, the only driver in the house and managing my own illness it's all just become too much for me.
I still provide a warm, safe and welcome environment for ss. I would never see anything happen to him while under our care, but the relationship has completely broken down and we no longer communicate.
It is creating an environment that I cannot sustain. I really want to get over this but no matter how hard I'm trying I'm finding myself increasingly irritable and frustrated.
Please does anyone have any positive advice for me.
Thanks.

How much of a warm, safe and welcome environment does his dad provide for him? Things will have changed beyond recognition if he's used to being his dad's only child. Is he maintaining plenty of 1:1 time?

His dad wants us to do everything together but over the summer I made a point of taking mine out on my own with my mum so they had some father son time together. He has his own bed and toys etc. his room is split in two with my son so he has a lovely area to chill out.
His dad is very hands on. A bit too over cautious. Still treats him like he's 2 to be honest.

Do you mean you no longer communicate with DH or the 6 YO?

It’s a bit hard to see exactly what the child is doing wrong? Are you saying you are frustrated with the 6YO because he is scared of you?
Why is he scared?

Is DH doing all the care for him? What’s their relationship like?

There is so much back sorry I didn't want to go into too many details. I have provided everything finally for my husband and my ss. I am also the one that does all the driving to collect and drop off ss which is quite a few hours out of my week.
At the start I spent a lot of time with ss. Took him to the park on my own and loads of things. Then he suddenly changed and it was clear his mum has been saying things to him. Dh is too laid back to say anything to his ex.
On the whole ss is a good kid. But he is incredibly full on; wants non stop attention and is a huge show off. Having 3 children with additional needs who already take up so much of me I just find this extra demand a bit too much at times.
Dh does all the caring for him as in washing and dressing etc. we make meals together and do housework etc together as a team.
Dh and I communicate really well. It's the child that's stopped talking to me. I've tried to carry on but to me they don't seem to want that so I've backed off. I've told Dh I'm here for ss when he is ready but I don't feel it's right to push myself on him.

I don't see how it's possible for you to "still provide a warm, safe and welcome environment for ss" if the two of you "no longer communicate". Regardless of whether the child has stopped talking to you, I hope you're still actively talking to them even if they're not receptive.

The poor kid is clearly distressed. You don't know for a fact that the ex has been saying things. Your DH being "too laid back" to talk to his ex about it it is shockingly poor. You're blaming the ex without knowing the facts and totally letting him off the hook, which isn't right of you.

No I don't know for a fact what she is saying, I do however know she is better and spiteful. Currently going through a court case which she is making as awkward as she can and costing my dh lots and lots!!
I try my best with ss. I take him nice places and do all the driving etc to get him. I have my own trauma and mental health issues to balance out alone 3 special needs children of my own so please don't judge me. There is only so much one person can do and take before they break down.

Maybe the marriage is the trigger as the times match.

Your now permanent, his gone from mum and dad to just dad, then dad has a new partner who has three children who all have additional needs, then you’ve your own illness.

That’s a lot for a little kid to suddenly be in the middle.

The marriage with or without mum will mean he knows there is no chance of mum and dad being together. Never just him mum and dad. As well as that your dh doesn’t seem to want to have 1 on 1 unless you basically force it. He probably feels his lost his dad to this new and complicated family.

I do agree with you on so much here. My husband seems to get upset if I want to go out with my kids when his dc is here as he thinks we should all do things together. I keep telling him it's important I get time alone with my kids and him with his son.
Ss was only 2 when my husband left so I don't think he remembers his dad and mum ever living together. But he remembers the flat his dad moved into and calls it daddy's little house. That's where they first made memories together just the two of them.
I really feel for ss. He's in childcare/school 49 weeks of the year. We have him one full week during summer holidays and one day&night in half terms. Childcare is closed for 2 weeks for Xmas. His mum takes her time off when he's in school. She wasn't working last summer yet still had him in childcare. So I can get why he's so full on and non stop.
I'm just looking for advice to help me. I hate the way I'm struggling but feel in a rut unable to change it.
So many reasons why. He is parented so differently to mine and exposed to risks I don't agree with. It caused me a lot of upset as in powerless to do anything about that. I think that's when I started to step back.

You sound very overwhelmed and to be honest, his dad needs to step in here and you take a step back. Better communication needed with your DH on how you’re feeling.

It sounds highly likely the mum is putting things in the child’s head, my stepsons mum did this when we were going through a court case and my relationship with DSS has definitely changed. I used to be so hands on with him but it’s almost awkward now. You can only accept that and continue to be as kind and empathetic with DSS as you’ve always been and if he doesn’t respond at least he knows the offer is there. It sounds like he really needs more alone time with his dad though.

So what exactly is your issue with the child? That he doesn’t talk to you, seems scared of you but demands a lot of attention (from dad?) and is a show off?

Would dad be able to take him instead of childcare? Esp as dad doesn’t like spending time 1:1 with his own child.
It sounds as if DSS needs some more care and attention.

You have your hands full so dad should be taking the lead.

Who are you getting irritable and frustrated with? DS? If so then this might be why he seems scared.

My direct advice is, remember the child is only 6 and that his parents need to be looking after him. You cannot do anything about mums behaviour but you can ensure that you aren’t doing dads job for him.

@Lemonmelon1 you're asking not to be judged, which is obviously fair enough, and yet you're really judging the mother.

I really feel for ss. He's in childcare/school 49 weeks of the year. We have him one full week during summer holidays and one day&night in half terms. Childcare is closed for 2 weeks for Xmas. His mum takes her time off when he's in school. She wasn't working last summer yet still had him in childcare. So I can get why he's so full on and non stop.

The mother has the boy most of the time. Your DH doesn't even do half the holidays. She presumably doesn't have childcare overnights or her weekends. It's still a lot of parenting. Far, far more 1:1 time with your son than your DH does, who doesn't want any 1:1 time with his son, yet you're not openly criticising him.

Regardless of what the mother is doing, and on the little info I have I don't necessarily agree with all her choices, you can't control that. You can control who you live with and what standards and boundaries you have around how they parent.

You married your DH and therefore formed a relationship with his son even though you have mental health issues and three children with additional needs, so you must have thought you could cope in times of adversity. It's a real shame that you can't now, but please don't blame the boy or even the mother. Your DH is the solution to this.

I get that the mother is doing a lot on her own but she seems to never spend any time with him during school holidays and opts for childcare which I think is really sad.
Dh has a health condition so would struggle to have dss half the holidays and it is also something I would not be able to manage myself due to my health.
I meant getting frustrated at dss not ds, sorry for my mistake there. I don't show him my frustration I just go into my room if it's all getting too much for me.
Whenever I try and mention things to dh it gets turned around to my parenting with my youngest who has incredibly complex learning difficulties, brain damage and drug resistant epilepsy. He hasn't witnessed all the health issues she had when younger and how hard she's had to fight to be here.
I was just hoping somebody here would be able to empathise and offer me some advice and tips to move forward.
I love my dh to bits but he does struggle as a parent. He dotes on his son but in the wrong ways if that makes sense.

This is where your dh needs to step up. He needs to be parenting and to be honest putting his child first instead his falling into that easy role of bringing in a new mummy to do all the womens work raising the children. Thats why he wants everything as full on family time. It’s so he can actually skip out of properly parenting his child.

So what the mum puts him in holiday clubs, presumably she works and your dh won’t do 50/50 in the holidays. Is she meant to spend her whole life on benefits just to be home, at which she would be insulted for as well.

It’s not a step son issue. It’s a poor parenting issue. Not you but the boys parent.

He needs to have his son more. I can't believe he left his 6 yr old in childcare all summer and the criticises the mother for doing so, when he has him so rarely. He's only 6.

It wouldn't be possible for us to have him 50% of the holidays. My own ex doesn't do that either and I don't expect him. We have 1 full week where we have all 4 kids and 1 full week where they are with their other parents.
We have ss an extra night and full day during holidays so we do have him more than usual. That was only stopped during term time as we couldn't get him to school on time he was getting there around 10 minutes late which his mother wasn't happy with. We live 30-40 minute drive away and I'm the only one that drives.
The amount of time we have him isn't the issue I only posted for advice on how to make myself better as I am struggling and I hate feeling this way.

So mum has DS 14 days to your DH EOW and you are blaming her for not spending enough time with him?

From what you’ve written you will feel better about the situation when you stop worrying about what mum is doing, recognise that DS is a small child and focus on what type of father you have married.

P.S why is it relevant that your ex does do 50% so you don’t expect it from your DH? Does he work?

Otherwise if he has an issue with DS being in childcare so mum can work, he needs to take time off or maybe provide more CM so she can take unpaid leave to stay with DS.

Why are you doing all the travelling?
You need to step back from hours of driving.
He has two parents that need to step up, not you.
You have a huge amount on your plate.
What was the rush to marry?

You are correct to step back.
Your husband needs to focus on spending time 1 on 1 with his child.

He sounds like a poor father doing the minimum.
You have enough on your plate so work on protecting your mental health, as your children need you well.

My ex doesn't do 50/50. I'm saying I don't think it's reasonable.
My dh can't work due to ill health and he doesn't have to pay cm but does pay it every week and always has done. He's also paying more than half of her mortgage. My point was that she doesn't take any time during holidays to spend with him. She makes out he's her main focus when she avoids any time with him she can. We have him 8-12 times a month so that's around 25% which considering he's in school half an hour away is the best we can do.
I didn't come here for criticism I was hoping for some helpful rice

People can empathise but you have a lot more say in your current life than this little boy does in his. I agree you’re wasting time criticising the mum when your husband apparently isn’t capable of even 50/50 parenting.

Why are you paying for everything? Given the complications of your life caring for your kids why saddle yourself with a man who can’t support himself or his child, doesn’t drive, then move over half an hour away from his school?

You’ve made a series of choices that you don’t seem to want to own. You’re not a passenger in your life that things just happen to. You’ve picked a man with a child whose parenting you don’t like or respect. It’s obviously all going to be extremely complicated with a lot of feelings involved. What you do about that is be practical, focus on what you can change, accept what you can’t and decide if it’s all actually worth it.

You’re taking resources from your disabled kids to support an adult and another child. Is that wise when he’s adding to your load rather than easing it?

She’s not avoiding him is she. She’s working to earn money for him. Like millions of working single parents who are the main resident parent.

You seem to just want to point fingers at the mum when dad is the ineffective parent dumping all the extra work on you. This is the problem not the ex or the poor wee lad. It’s the dad.

Your husband needs to step up, the burden shouldn’t be on you, he needs to make the boy feel comfortable and safe and secure enough again to go back to how he was.

Your the easy target for the child to ignore and hurt as otherwise the blame has to be laid at his dads feet and at six hell at 15 most children wouldn’t be emotionally mature enough to realise or actually blame their own parent so pick the easy target. The step.

The only criticism of you is that you want to blame the mother who’s the one doing 75% of the parenting while your dh who doesn’t work can’t pick up any slack apparently or bother to spend one on one with his child unless you force it.

Think about that one. You’ve just said she doesn’t want to spend time with her child because she uses school clubs in the holidays, but your dh does, does he? When he will only do one on one when you force it. He sees his child because you facilitate / force it majority. You fetch the child, you make him have one on one. You you you. Which is lovely of you. Not a criticism there but he needs to step up. Back like when at daddies little house.

Hands up I have made so many mistakes too. I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means.
I promised at the start to always do the driving to get ss not appreciating how much it would take out of me. I'm struggling to keep it up.
My eldest daughter's mental health took a hammering last year. My youngest daughter's physical health put her in hospital this year. It's been a really crappy 18 months tbh and I'm at the point where I'm struggling to cope mentally.
I love my dh to pieces. Yes granted I probably didn't study his parenting techniques enough at the start. We all wear those rose tinted glasses with someone new.
I still am madly in love with my hubby and when it's just us and my kids it's all fine. It's a thing involving ss that things turn negative. It's the only times we've ever disagreed.
I am not expecting anything from his ex that I don't do myself but x3 and with 3 special needs children. I don't think changing house during the week is a good idea when they are in school. Also there is no way of us getting ss to school on time. Public transport to his area takes 2 hours!

To be fair OP, it isn’t the ex’s responsibility to factor in your 3 children with additional needs, or the fact the non driving father has moved to a place with no transport. You have high expectations of what the ex wife should be doing and zero expectations of what his actual father should be doing .
I’d also gently query if this little chap is throwing up some complex feelings for you in relation to the development/behaviour/futures of your own DC with additional needs. Sometimes a new child without additional needs can throw a mirror on some of the chances denied to our DC with additional needs. Apologies if that is a reach but might be something to reflect on.

I do not expect the ex to factor in my 3 children. The arrangement we have with ss is the same as I have with my ex and the kids so I see it as totally reasonable. That's not what I'm asking for advice on.

TBH, it’s a bit difficult to advise when your issue is being irritated and frustrated that a 6 YO seems scared of you and won’t talk to you.

Do you want us to advise you to tell mum to have the child more?

Or DH to have him less as you prefer time with just him and your kids?

Ppl have said DH should be looking after him more and do the travel, you’ve said he cannot, so where’s the advice to give?

To be clear I’m asking what exactly do you want advice on?

What is the problem you want to change?