Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

😂😂🤣

On a serious note - best not to test him. The more I hear, the more my hackles get up.

I would and did because I won’t stand for it, well I did but everytime I protested and said it was wrong. He once pinned me against a wall I looked him dead in the eyes and told him “go on then, do it. it won’t be for the first time, will it?” But I don’t recommend this or provoking a volatile man. I would however tell him to leave and call the police to deal with his refusal

The way he speaks about the cats is rather disturbing imo. Symbolically pets can be seen as extensions of ourselves or 'quasi children'. He is vicious about them while OP is providing a free home to him & to his children.
He's pushing all the time to get what he wants, with people like that if you dont push back from the start you will be crushed.

That doesn’t seem a fair share in terms of weekends. I am separated from my children’s DD and we have them every other weekend, meaning each gets their enjoyable weekend with their children and then a weekend of their own to do as they please / catch up with jobs!

Op get help to get him out. His true colours are showing and he is very unpleasant, even dangerous.

Oh woman, you are worth SO much more than this. He is not being asked to leave, he is being told to. He doesn't get to negotiate or refuse. Log a call or online with 101 saying the man is refusing to leave your home. Change the locks. Block him because he already makes you feel guilty and you don't want him worming his way back in when you're feeling vulnerable.

A lot of people only pop on for 10 mins here and there! See an OP they feel they may have a useful comment for...and comment. I shared my alternative childcare split in case it was useful. (I realise now the thread had since became about something else.)

Sounds like the issue isn't the time the children are there, it's your partner's expectation that you are with them all the time they are there playing happy families!

You should be able to do your hobbies at times that suit you, if that means he spends time with the kids alone that shouldn't be any issue. I suspect the children would actually appreciate some time alone with their dad!

There are some red flags here! He sounds like he is rather controlling and not at all considerate to your needs.

The thing is, if a thread is really long it's likely that there are more posts from the OP, that the discussion has moved on considerably or that the point you want to make has already been made.
It's not useful.

I have just read the OP's most recent updates. He's very much my way or no way, unable to back down or negotiate!
He could have had a nice happy set up with you, if only he was able to compromise instead of trying to dominate all the time ... of course that is another way of saying 'he'd be nice if it weren't for his personality!
He's going to throw his toys out of the pram now isnt he. Shame on him for trying to pin the blame on the OP😡

Why not suggest every other weekend and 2 weekdays each week instead?

Or maybe your oh would rather spend time with his children and not doing your hobbies they came first!!

You might want to read the rest of the thread. Matters have massively moved on and you are telling her to compromise with an abuser who has made it clear only total obedience is enough.

Edited to say: he does enough to make her feel guilty for trying to put the weakest boundaries in place. She doesn’t need other women telling her she’s wrong as well.

OP I don’t know you but you deserve so much more than this. Please end it, please change the locks and let the cats back on your bed! You don’t deserve this controlling cocklodger in your house, draining your energy and finances, and bringing you so little. Get out now, for your own sake. It’s not your fault he’s a pathetic man incapable of compromise who can’t provide for his kids himself. He can go back to his parents. Come on, you can do it

You say you’re comfortable with money. In case get therapy urgently as you need to realise he is dictating your life and you are knowingly letting him. You’re aware it’s wrong but therapy can help you see things in a different light.

I would stay single until you realise your own value and worth. Get rid of him, it’s not his house, it’s not his kids home, he has no right to threaten you and your poor cats are suffering because of what he wants. You are on the go as that is what he wants. You have to argue for anything you want if it doesn’t align with his wants. Please get help and kick him out before this goes on and gets even worse.

Which is why I very, very rarely comment. I genuinely don’t have time to read pages and pages. It looked like a straightforward question, I responded. I’ll get back in my box

Thems the breaks unfortunately when you date a man with children

Have you read the full thread or OPs posts? It’s moved on quite far.

If you click on "See all" at the top of the page, you can see all OP's posts.

I did. Read them. Took half an hour. At which point I realised my comment was out of date. Like many people…it’s unusual for me to spend a full half hour reading on here. (Only saw your responses because I’m getting gmail alerts popping up) It’s prob best just not to comment. This one looked straightforward so seemed harmless to do so. Evidently not

Dear god OP, he is a proper arsehole! After your big update and every update since, the situation you describe is worse and worse. He’s borderline abusive. He’s literally had to give up nothing, he’s got a cushy little life, no rent to pay, getting his own way with everything, and threatening to leave you if you dare suggest he stay at his parents or move out. Honestly if he was a good guy at his core and he really loved you he would consider moving out to give you some space and enable the relationship to continue but he’s obviously not, and honestly how dare he tell you he won’t be moving for another weekend and that it is their home. He really knows how to emotionally manipulate to get what he wants!

It's definitely a bit of a drip feed @UserNameNotAvailable9.

OP, his DC's schedules are the least of your problems. This man is a controlling abuser. Call Women's Aid, get some help and get him out.

OP I beg of you to find the scrap of self worth needed to get him out of your house and life.
There’s some brilliant advice given already about how to do this quickly and safely.
You came here for advice and you’ve unequivocally got it now. The next step is to take action.

I know it is hard to make the first step, but you have done it before. Why not email or phone womens aid as that first step? You need practical support from someone who understands this. And you are being abused.

It's really frustrating to read each of your replies, because I feel like after all you've said you're just going to stay with him anyway.

I see my old self in some of the things you write. I have been like you, I've had a similar history with men. It's not real love - being a pushover will not win you love. Stop it. Please!

There's a whole world out there full of people who will love you deeply and truly, and for who you are rather than what you can do for then

I have read the thread, and I still think my comment stands.