Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

THEIR HOME! Cheap fucking twat. He obviously feels entitled to your home you paid for.

get a locksmith, dump his stuff on the front doorstep. have you got a friend with a husband/BF who can come round whilst he comes to pick his stuff up?

What do you want to do @NellyElly1 ?

And what are you going to do?

It blows my mind a bit that an intelligent, generous, animal loving, hard working, independent woman, can get herself into this situation op.

He needs to leave, he's not a good man, he is using you op and then manipulating and gas lighting you into thinking this is on you.

The cats were a flipping massive red flag that you choose to ignore 🤯 the debt was another as was the lack of contribution to your house.

I've been single for years, it's brilliant, my life is my own.

Being single would be a million times better than your current set up.

Tell him to fuck off and have a happy life with your horses and cats.

I don’t think you should be with this man. The DC are his children and they do come as a package deal and they should be his priority, and with him at least 50% of the time. You seem to struggle with this, I think you need to cut your losses and find someone who doesn’t have children and has a similar view of what should be prioritised.

I can’t bear reading this. He is SO MANIPULATIVE!!!

Be mindful

Lets see then

Take their home away from them

NO NO NO

Honest to goodness, read the thread. This woman is being abused.

As usual RTFT

OP I’ve just read all your posts again to catch up. There must be 20 new pages since I last commented!!!

I suggest you read through them too. As you share more of this relationship there are more and more red flags:

He is threatening you with phrases like be mindful and telling you that you don’t want to change the locks.

He is distancing you from your family.

He has invaded your house, dictated how you live in it and has refused to leave.

He is trying to control how you spend your time.

Having good points doesn’t make him any less of an abuser. Every boundary he tramples over is permission to do it again.

If you think I’m being alarmist, let the cats in your bedroom tonight and see what happens.

We do one day EOW and it’s more than enough!!

As a stepmother, I am begging anyone reading this who ever finds themselves considering a relationship with someone with children to ask themselves whether they’re genuinely excited by the idea of being a stepparent full time. Not “oh I can handle it” or “it’s not that big of a drawback” or “well I love him and I guess the kids are part of the deal” but an enthusiastic desire to be a key part of those children’s lives day in and day out for years. If the answer is no, please walk away.

OP, you don’t want kids. He not only does want children, he already has them. I’m sorry but this isn’t the relationship for you - you need someone who shares your (extremely valid) desire for a child-free life.

I agree you, who knew the day would come 😂 but if she lets them cats in tonight he won’t leave as he promised he’ll probably beat the shit out of her.

It’s a tricky one. Like others have said here - his time with the children is very reasonable but I echo that you don’t have to participate with the children across all of your weekends. I’d be off with my horses after a lie in on a Saturday - have dinner with them or do a nice Sunday brunch as a family - or whatever works - whilst there is definitely effort and work to having children around - it will only work if it works for you too. Best of luck!

I've told him a number of times to fuck off if he doesn't like it

Please, please do it again and hold your nerve this time. If he stalls, refuses or threatens you, call the police. Free yourself of this abusive, controlling, gaslighting, controlling bastard. I'm completely horrified at what I've read in your posts and so sorry this is happening to you x

If you think I’m being alarmist, let the cats in your bedroom tonight and see what happens.

I definitely wouldn’t. For the cats sake.

Or the cats.

Op, I'm so sorry. You haven't had a good male role model in your life. He is better than your last relationship (which was abusive and yet you still stayed for almost a decade.) Please don't let it be a decade in this one. The kids haven't known you long they'll get over it. Now is a good time but it doesn't sound like you are there yet. Keep posting. Keep talking. I really hope the rose tinted glasses are coming off but I can't help feeling it's not just "love" that keeps you where you are but also fear of him and his reaction being kicked out of "his" home. All the kind and the frustrated and the angry posters they are actually all behind you. We are here for you. Read this thread over and over and gather your strength.

Suspect he is pretending to not want to marry you OP (he must know how much doing so would benefit him at your expense)
Playing hard to get to make you feel grateful when he changes his mind. Once he's got you locked down & fully shackled to him he'll move his children in full time. Your cats & horses will be a thing of the past. If you dont obey him he will threaten to divorce you and take all your money.

That’s his baggage. Embrace it or leg it!

The more I read the more I think the op has posted about the exact same problem before, just starting to appear more and more familiar to me.

Step parent with no children of my own. My DH and I would kill to have this Much time with his son! Currently he has EOWE and everything else is hard negotiation to get any more time. However that is beginning to change now his son is old enough to make more decisions himself, 🤞🏻 that continues.

When you have a relationship with a man who has children they do come first because they were there first. You accept the package deal. That doesn’t mean you have to be there all the time they are. Like you I have a demanding job, so sometimes I will need to work when DH has his done, but, personally I also love to have time together as a family (but I am 10+ years in with this now).

If it’s not for you that’s fine, but probably best to move on.

So what’s the story he told you about why the relationship with his ex wife broke down?
Would you consider applying for a Clare’s Law disclosure?

That could be a really good solution. My ex-partner used to have the kids every weekend and I had all the weekdays. (This was to accommodate working patterns.) And I really hated it as I had all the homework, packed lunched, school uniforms, school runs and none of the long lies and chill time. And he must have missed free weekends although never made it an issue. In the end we swapped and he has Weds - Sat every week. I get more of the leisure time with them and he gets free weekends.

This. I get it, you don’t want children, but you’re in a relationship with someone who has children. No one said it’s fun. And yes, you have to sacrifice things like hobbies. I really think if you’re struggling now and only really having them a bit at weekends and one weekday then you need to reconsider your relationship

Right outcome for the wrong reasons. Read the OP's updates please

Where the hell have all these posters appeared from who have only read the OP and no updates?