Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

OP do you have anyone you trust you can talk to? They don't have to be your best friend or anything, just someone that takes you seriously and would be supportive.

And what's that about you not wanting his parents asking questions? It's not just him being intimidating is it?

This is a real watershed moment OP. You either summon all your strength now (and all your support - please, please speak to a friend, relative or women’s aid, any of them will help you) and tell him it’s over and he needs to leave, or you’ll be in misery for years trying to extricate yourself from this awful bully.

Why are you ASKING him!? It’s apparent now that he is doing and saying anything to stay.

It’s your house he wants, not you. You are NOT his priority. Having somewhere to stay with his kids is.

You DO want a single life.

You are NOT taking his kids' "home" from them. They have one home, with their mother, and he can get off his lazy arse and provide another home for them without sponging off you. They can stay with their grandparents for his contact time, or whatever. It is NOT your problem to solve. Why are you even entertaining this bullshit? What on earth do you possibly get from being his mug?

Please understand, what he is "willing" to do is irrelevant. Get rid. Call the police if necessary to supervise his departure. Personally I'd be hiring a couple of big blokes to hustle him right off the premises and make sure he stays off.

It’s now or never OP.

He's saying I'm awful because I'm taking their home away from them.

A loving partner would be concerned that you are unhappy, and want to come to a resolution that suits everybody, a selfish partner won't care about your feelings and will find a way to force you into keeping things that only work for them.

Guilt is your weakness here, he will not hesitate use it against you, the only way to battle it is to pretend you don't care (even if you do), calm acceptance is the only way really:

"I'm sorry you feel that way but I've told you what I need"

  "What about what the kids need?"

"The kids need their father, you can have the same relationship with them at your parents.. you don't need me for that"

Keep calm at all times, don't make excuses, just keep reiterating what you need.

Yes girl now you’re getting it!! Keep that anger. Keep that momentum. Well your pace has now changed, like sex you can say no at any time and you’re saying no. The respect he has shown is telling my love. Dig those heels in HARD. It is not his choice, it’s yours. You got this. Insist insist insist!! Xx

Jesus Christ woman. I have read only your posts, with increasing horror!
You are young, solvent, have hobbies, sounds intelligent, have a job and are presumably fit and healthy (horsey people usually are…)
Cock is abundant!
You are a catch!
Please bin the abusive cock lodging waste of space out of your life now! AS IN NOW If you don’t have a burly friend to be on hand, hire a couple of bouncers to sit in your front room for an hour, it will be the best 100 quid you’ve event spent.
Same for a man and van, another 100 quid and they are gone in an instant. Clean break. Today is Wednesday. You don’t need to have another weekend like this and the relief will be immense. I think you will only realise how bad things have got when he/they are gone forever.
And change your locks. Because you can!

PS I have to ask, is he in the police/emergency services?

Off he fucks then.

Seriously, this is who he really is, a selfish user.

You will be so much happier with your cats and horses.

You were crazy to let him move in with you 🤷‍♀️ he needed to sort himself out, get his own place and focus on his kids not jump straight into a new relationship.

I hope you've got a grip on finances op and the kids aren't costing you anything.

Your life doesn't have to revolve around a man and his kids.

He's their father, HE should be providing a home.

He's saying that so that you'll prove him wrong by letting him stay.

But you have done so much that you are obviously far from selfish where he is concerned.

Their home is with their mother
Their next home with their daddy will be wherever he chooses to provide for the
not in your house !
they are not your children, has he forgotten this !
so in the meantime he can take them back to his parent's home - after all they are family

You knew what you got into??!!!

Jesus Christ, now he's quoting a MN stepparents board classic line. Of course you didn't know what you were getting into, because he's just taken and taken and taken by stealth, one little step at a time.

Regardless of that, you can know what you need to get out of. This horrendous situation. If you were my daughter I'd be marching round there right now and shooting the fucker. I really hope you can see what he is now, and get rid of him. You don't want him laying any claim to your house or money. What a twat. I'm livid for you.

Yet another example of why only reading the OP is utterly pointless...

At least read all the OP's posts if you can't be arsed reading the entire thread.

@MrsKwazi makes some really good points. Invest some money into this. Don't wait for the arsehole to move. Hire the removing firm, have them pile his stuff in and dump it at his parents' home. Hire a locksmith. Hire security, get a Ring cam, web cams, whatever, and speak to the police and Women's Aid.

It's Wednesday evening. You could have your place to yourself by Saturday morning and never have to think of this again, except when discussing with the counselor that we very much hope you will engage with. Call Women's Aid.

Thank you.
No he isn't.

The kids do cost me. Electric, food, water has all gone up.

You should be able to have anyone you want round to your own house. He sounds controlling in a number of ways.

He is also taking a lot from you in terms of money, time, choices, but it isnt clear - objectively - what he is giving you.

Love can sometimes be an unhelpful emotion as it can overwhelm other thought/cause fear of change

I'd open that door, & let the horses as well as the cats roam around YOUR HOUSE.
Maybe that will convince him to leave quietly.

Horrendous that you've allowed this leeching blood sucker of a man to not only live off you with he's kids but to also destroy the homelife of the cats that have loved you for 10 years!! They are scared of cats horses... ( how precious ) just gross

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It could do you a lot of good to be single for a while & have time to live life on your terms, with your animals. Work out what life you want, instead of being stuffed into one that someone else wants for you.

This man knows that you love him & will do anything to keep him, it's not your fault that you feel this way about him but it makes it very easy for him to manipulate you & he is milking it as much as he can.
I think if you want this to work for your benefit as much as his then you need to push back on everything. However as soon as you do he's got your arm up your back with 'I'll leave you then' and that makes you feel very upset so it's hard to stay strong & push back.
Dont forget that should you get married you will be giving away even more of your power. Your money will become his money. He squandered his own money, he'll squander yours even quicker.
I think he's a blagger & he's charmed you

Is had better be the best sex you've ever had! Because you sure are being taken for a ride op!

Her money is already he's by the sounds of it!

If you don't make him leave now, he is going to crank up the abuse and the manipulation and you will be a shell of yourself looking back on this moment and wishing you had your life ahead of you again. This is the easiest it is ever going to be to get rid of him.