Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

@NellyElly1 i know I said I wouldn’t post again but I do so desperately want you to find the strength. The reason people are saying I give up, good luck, only you can help yourself is because likely they’ve been where you are and they know, no matter what anyone says you will not do anything to actually fix it until you are ready..

to be blunt, you aren’t doing anything to fix this, I’m sorry. Doing something to fix this will be to take steps to get him to move out. If you continue to date him because you’re not ready and you can’t see what everyone else sees that’s fine but you can be in love with him and date him without him living in your home you did it before.

if you want to help yourself, tell him you need space if that’s easier and you’d like it if he could stay with his parents for a few days. That’s softer than leave which you’re not ready for, that’s ok. But you are not safe, he is threatening you. You must have seen the horror stories of women being killed by their partners. At the very least, you need to be able to date this man SAFELY. Please, if you want to help yourself, calmly remove him from your home, and please call women’s aid, talk it through with them, they are not judgemental, they will NOT tell you what to. They will however if you tell them what you’ve told us tell you they have concerns for your safety.

please make yourself safe as an absolute number one priority. If he loves you and respects you as much as you believe he does, he will be happy to give you time and space.

I can't imagine many people would waste time responding to over 750 replies to a made up story.

Totally agree.
It’s more lonely in an unhappy, abusive relationship than being single which can be truly liberating.

He refused and wouldn't go and said he was having one last weekend here before he leaves and I take his home from them!!

Oh Op I'm angry/heartbroken for you in equal measure.

He really has ground you down.

You are in such a good position to get rid.

Your own house that he has no claim to.

No financial reliance on him.

In fact you'd be better off for not keeping/subsidising him & his kids!

OP please look at Narcissistic relationships online….your eyes will be opened so much. This will only get worse. You are being made to feel guilty it is typical narc behaviour and is leaving you all over the place.

I know it is hard to find yourself in yet another abusive relationship. But once you do have him out there are various courses you can attend to learn about healthy relationships and to build up your own self esteem.
These have been devised because your situation is not unusual. An uncaring dad and your low self esteem put you at risk of being attracted to relationships that are controlling. It is your minds way of trying to work through your relationship with your dad, but to make it work this time. But it is unhealthy and not good for you.
I say this to let you know that it is a common issue, but also that there is help to change things so you do not keep choosing men who are bad for you. There is a better life out there.

I suppose we will get the telltale answer in a minute. I've asked to step things back a bit, have the hallway door back open and not having the kids stay every night for a little bit as it's moved to fast as I want to see what he will reply with.

Those posters have never experienced an abusive relationship and have no understanding outside of their own experiences. I see it on here all the time.

With kindness, what are you doing here OP? You'd be better off asking him to go back to his parents for a while and having a clean break so you can see how you feel when he's not around.

Keep moving the goalposts around like you are doing and he'll either come back and get angry and/or make you feel guilty. Or he'll go on a charm offensive to get you back on side, he's learned how to control you even if you don't think that is what he is doing, it could really backfire on you and he WILL make out your relationship issues are all your fault, it's a cycle that you are falling into again and again.

Think of how you felt when you ended the 8 year relationship vs how you feel about that relationship now? You say you felt bad at the time, but looking back on it now, would you ever go back to that? Your guilt issues will always hold you back unless you learn some real coping mechanisms to deal with them, the change here has got to come from you.. not from him, it's time to break the cycle.

He called your cats 4legged fleabag disgusting vile creatures?
And you let him continue to live with you?

Don’t sit for his reply and his reaction. That means you’re letting him dictate what happens in this situation. Take back control and tell him he needs to move out. Have a friend come round for support if you don’t feel safe or even call the police if you feel threatened.

You sound like you have your life together in other aspects with owning your own home and having horses you care for. It seems like you need to splash out on some therapy and to spend some time out of relationships to heal and learn your self worth.

Yeah this was one of the worst bits for me.

There is not a chance on this planet that anyone who spoke about / treated my pets in such a horrendous way would be staying in my house for a second longer.

The way someone treats/speaks about animals says a lot about them as a person, in my opinion.

My abusive ex, I look back and realise my dog, who loved everyone, wouldn't go near him. I should have listened to her.

Apart from the at least 10 other significant reasons I wouldn't stay with him, mistreating my pets and treating them with such contempt would be an absolute red line.

Umm so yeah, he's not willing to even just step back a bit and stay at his parents with the kids just for one of the nights or have that hallway door back open. He's saying I'm just selfish and clearly want a single life.

He's saying I'm awful because I'm taking their home away from them.

Tell him to leave. Please.

He is being abusive. Call the police first if you need to, but he HAS to leave.

If not for you, then your lovely cats.

He is not a good man.

Their home?!

Their FUCKING HOME?!

He needs to go now.

I can't edit my post. My suggestion to him was literally just to stay at his parents with the kids on the Friday night only on the weeks that we had them for Friday and Saturday night so not even every week.

Great so now you say yes, I want a single life

leave

ignore the last bit - it’s all on him

It's not up to him to be willing or not willing. It's YOUR house! You have the power. Change the locks. Don't ask for permission.

It's not their home. It's your home. He can go to his parents and I'm sure the kids will be even happier to have doting grandparents around.

“It’s a shame you feel that way. But if there can’t be any middle ground, we will need to part ways in that case. I’m not willing to continue to change my way of living to this extent without compromise from your side”.

Yeah, their home that he barely pays towards which has increased costs of water, electric and food that I pay for.
I said I knew what I got into and it all went at my pace, apparently.

Tell him, yes, if it's all or nothing for him, then you would like a single life. Free yourself from this coercive man who is wasting your time.

This makes me want to beat my head against my desk.

It's your home. You don't ASK, you TELL!

Please get this complete and utter arsehole out of your life. Judging by the history you have outlined, with him and others, you really, really, really need some counseling. Can you seek that out?

The cat thing alone would have me hiring two big blokes to throw him out. Why are you making yourself a complete doormat to this useless bullying twat?

I am over 60 and have had a number of great/good relationships; I also have spent a fair number of years living alone/not being in relationships. It's not lonely. Life is great when one is in full charge. We don't need men or marriage to lead rich, fulfilling and pleasant lives.

Certainly I have never stayed for 15 minutes with anyone who thought they could insult me, tell me how to live, be mean to my pets, make threats like "you don't want to do that" or complained about how I spend my time. Certainly would not remotely consider for one millisecond financially and logistically supporting some vile cocklodger who expects me to rearrange my life to accommodate HIS responsibilities to his kids.

Don't ASK him. TELL him. Get rid of him. We only get one life here on Planet Earth; I would kill to be 30 again with all of that lovely time in front of me. Don't squander it on some useless twat.

Can you access Women's Aid ASAP? Please try.