Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

You are not weak, anyone that has horses and can ride a horse is not a weak person

( cats are easy, you feed them maybe brush them and give them a litter tray, dogs are a bit harder, you feed them, maybe brush them and they need exercise so they get walks. Horses ! well !!! you feed them. brush them, check their feet and check horseshoes, muck them out which is a far bigger job than changing a cat litter tray or picking up dog poo, you exercise them by going for a ride - what percentage of people can ride ? and you can actually control a horse that weighs what ? much more than a large dog !

maybe a strange comparison but think about it )

you are so much stronger than you think

you just can't see the wood for the trees

you were strong enough to buy a house, so many people don't know how to do that - you found out and you did it

you also have a good enough job/career to get a mortgage, so you are not stupid - even tho you are blinded by ' being in love '

Gently, what are you doing? I would bet you he is awful to the cats when you aren't around. Mine was and I caught him on pet cam.

He is so controlling. You are giving up so many things that give you joy. You are making yourself and your life smaller for him. He has literally threatened you.

take his home from them!!

HIS HOME!!! ffs. Send him back to mummy. Entitled twat.

If he didn’t like cats so much he should not have moved in.

@NellyElly1 , I've got a bad feeling about him - sounds to me like he'd get violent.

Sorry but that's nasty. He threatened you and then expects you to play happy families.

So they only see their dad one day a week? How do you not get a break from them?

He sounds like a dullard on top of everything else.

Why are you asking his fucking permission to lead your life as you see fit??

Why are you supporting his family? That's the job of him, his wife and possibly the grandparents. Not the girlfriend.

I hope you don't leave that cat alone with him.

Everything here is about what he wants. If he will become resentful. About him wanting a family orientated person.
Try and challenge that mindset and think about what you want. How do you want to live your day to day life. What would you want from a partner.

I know one particularly strong woman, she's a family member. Great career, great looks, hou would never believe that she let her ex treat her like sh1t for years! She wouldn't let her female friends to be treated like that, buy she let a scumbag to walk all over her... but most importantly he is an ex now

I would second the suggestion of a nanny cat to see if he is abusing your cats when you can't see.

Is this for real? I am not comfortable with cats, therefore I would NOT move into a house with cats. I wouldn't expect the other person to turn their life upside down. OP, I give up. Only you can help yourself.

Thank you everyone. Truly. You're all being so kind and supportive.
I was in my first physically abusive relationship at 16 and he was 18. That lasted nearly 2 years.
The ones in between didn't last very long, used me and left me heartbroken.
The one before this was 8 years, I wasn't treated very well at all but I was left to my own devices. I was spoken to like shit and gaslit, he wasn't interested in me but he had nothing else and said I was all he had so I felt too guilty taking everything away from him. It was awful. Took me pretty much most of that relationship to leave so I don't have much hope really do I?

But he knew she would do it. That's how people like this manage to get control. It start small and it gets bigger and bigger until literally everything is the way they want it. I doubt there was even an issue with the cats. Just something he could control and it worked...

It is real, I wish people would stop saying this.
I am trying to help myself, why do you think I'm here? Just because I didn't break up with him on the first comment that told me to doesn't mean I'm not doing anything.

so I don't have much hope really do I?

Well. It really is up to you, isn’t it. Don’t be a door mat or a martyr.

@NellyElly1

You say you're 30 now? So you were in your first abusive relationship until you were 18? Your second relationship was probably most of your 20s and now you've been with this horror for 1-2 years?

Have you ever been single?

Yes, his words were threatening. You have a right to change the locks.

@NellyElly1 With each update it gets worse. HE THREATENS YOU.
It's YOUR house.
He bullies you and your cats.
Your cats have lived there for 10 years. It is their home.
He has done nothing but take from you.
It's veiled intimidation -
"You don't want to do that"
"We'll see"
Pushing the cats off you because "he doesn't like it".
He's vile. He's a bully. It's all about what HE wants.
Your home should be your safe haven, your relaxing space. He has taken this from you.
Seriously, get rid as soon as possible.

Honestly OP - every time you update it gets worse and worse .

Do you have friends in real life that you feel able to confide in and who would help you if you needed it . Push any embarrassment to one side and just tell someone you trust .

What is going on is not OK and sounds like it could get worse

I have been single but not for very long I guess.

I thought this too, about the cuckoo-ing. And if anyone mistreated a pet of mine, they would be gone - instantly.

Have you read the thread ?

You won’t be alone if that is what you are afraid of. You have your horses and your cats, it’s all you need right now to heal yourself. Animals are great like that.

You don’t need this man or children in your life right now.

When is enough enough for you?

It's better than being treated like shit.

I was in an abusive relationship when I was 18. I left that and said never again. After that, I walked away from a man who would happily have married me (because that's all he wanted, to have a wife) because he was insecure and whiny and I saw it happen again.

I refused to get into another relationship for a couple of years after that because I needed to know that I was ok and seeing people in the right light.

I met DH when I wasn't looking. You're only 30 (and you say you don't want children) so you have time to find the person that meets all your needs as a partner. So far you've only spent a year or so on this wrong relationship. Don't waste more years on it if you know it's wrong.

Posters are asking if it's real because your situation doesn't sound real.