Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

@NellyElly1 I can guarantee he will not be treating those cats nicely when you're not around....

I am sure I am not the only poster who is worried about you . And your cats.

He threatened you when you said you would change the locks

well it's the police then when you do it tomorrow

OP do you still see friends, have a social life at all…? I know you’ve said you’re happy not to but is it him making you think you’re happy not to.
You also say you have argued loads over cats, your free time etc, how is this a happy relationship? Sorry but is it a ‘good’ relationship because he isn’t aggressive or violent? You really need to listen to yourself and not doubt your bad feelings about this, none of this is OK.

Ignore him. He's threatening and bullying.

You need to get him out, change the locks and then ring the police on 111 and log a report. I had to do this with an ex when he broke into my house (using an old key but still illegal!). They were brilliant and sent an officer out the next day to talk to me.

He threatened me when I suggested the police too.

You could ring the local Women's Aid and say that you are in a controlling relationship, you want him to go but he will say no as he has before and he has threatened you, what can you do?

Of course he did. To scare you so you wouldn't do it.

Tell the police everything.

Ring the police and tell them he threatened you when you tried to get him to leave. Ask them what you can do as well. You NEED official help or you are never going to get rid of him.

I'm weak. I just feel guilty and then I cave.

Which is why you need support. You will have a local women's aid or similar project.
And you have zero reason to feel guilty. He is causing this. He is an adult who is treating you badly.

Honestly people give the police a hard time but they can be brilliant in situations like this. As long as you're completely honest and work with them, they will support you and make sure you're ok.

All the more reason to kick him out when he is out and change the locks.

If you drop his stuff at his parents (after the locks have been changed since no doubt they will call him) you can tell him not to set foot on your property.

This man is abusive and will only get worse, plus you are paying for the privilege of being abused.

Start will small goals.
You could start by emailing [email protected], say you are in a controlling relationship, say where you live, and ask if there is any local help for you. If you are unsure exactly what to say, just comment on this thread and someone would write an email you can just copy and paste.
This could be your action today towards a better life.

'I threatened this before and he warned me "you don't want to be getting the locks changed".

My dad doesn't really care about me (shock) so unlikely to have help there. No other male in the family.'

Another threat.
Your dad being below par doesn't mean you deserve a bad partner. On the contrary.
It's good you came on here to talk about all this @NellyElly1 it's brave of you.

It's like you've become a non person OP.

This is a type of cuckooing, and a bit scary if it's all true.

He threatened you??? How did he threatened? Like a veiled threat that something might happen if you try to move him out? Or was he specific that he will do something?
I'm sorry OP, I try to be balanced and not jump to conclusions especially when there are two sides to the story but he is a massive red flag... I get his wish of you to form a new family unit and recreate wht he lost when he divorced (he's wrong in that, you should be able to have time to yourself, and you are not the mum obvs). But there's so much more that has come out about him. Does not sound good unfortunately...

You're only 30. There are millions of interesting non-mooching men out there who can laugh and chat. Why tie yourself to this incompetent freeloading controlling twat?

There's nothing admirable about him and he's not a "great dad" if he isn't hustling to provide for his children.

So I've just asked him if he will become resentful about me changing the way I spend my time and start prioritising the horses and he said "dunno".
I said I feel like I'm not the hands on family orientated person that I think he wants and he says to take it day by day. I said I know you won't like it eventually and he said "I'm sure we'll find out".

@bakail Oh don't start with the 'if it's true', move along if you have your doubts.

There's not many posts on here that really get me, but this one I'm finding so hard to read, I've gone from being mildly concerned about you OP to full on worried and that's because you already know and agree with everything that people are saying on here, but you just don't feel like you have the power to change it.

I know this gets banded around on here but have you ever had therapy? You've just mentioned that your dad doesn't care about you and you've had a previous abusive relationship, so you may be feeling like this guy isn't all that bad, at least he loves you and wants to be with you.. but that sort of thinking will always hold you back from facing up to the reality of things, he may love you in his own way, but it will never be the kind of unconditional love the right partner will give you in order for you to be happy and content.

No amount of talking to him will make the blind bit of difference, he knows where to push and what the results will be from careful trial and error. Please, please, please talk to one of your friends in real life, you so desperately need some real life support and kindness to help work through the issues that you've got with regards to him, you are stronger than you think and you deserve a partner that accepts you warts (cats, horses) and all.

It wasn't anything specific. More just "you don't want to do that".

You’re not weak. You’re like so many of us have been throughout our lives, enthralled with a sub standard man. I’m glad you’re now piecing together the other abusive behaviours. People could tell from the off that he wasn’t a good man by the snippets in your original post.

When you add your own previous abusive relationships, your poor role model of a father, the other thread someone has linked which details your partner prioritising his ex’s feelings over yours, and trying to push you into things you’re not comfortable with that too, his mistreatment and lack of care about your animals, his threats when you try to stand up for yourself and move him out. It’s all so predictable.

The next thing you need to be wary of is that even men who haven’t been physically abusive can turn nasty when they lose their meal ticket.

If you’re serious about getting your life back, if and when you’re ready to move him out, you will need back up.

Many men like him turn nasty when they realise they’ve lost control. As he showed when he refused to leave YOUR home. I had one just like this - his exact words were “you can’t make me leave, you can just sit there and watch me NOT leaving” with a narcissist glint in his eyes. I ended up with the police involved when he wouldn’t leave and kicked things around my house. Police were excellent to be fair.

PLEASE kick the fucker out. Change the locks, call the police. You deserve so much more - this is truly dreadful.

you can do it

Don’t engage with him any further - you do not need his permission or approval to live your life

he has to leave