Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

Yes let him move out. How he handles things at that point will tell you all you need to know about his motives. If he only wants to be with you if you provide a home and instant family for him and his DCs then you’ll see him for the cocklodger he really is. If he’s ok with you seeing each other as partners without living together then you’ll know that he loves you for what you bring to the table as a partner, not as a walking ATM and mummy substitute.

He basically just threatened that he and the kids will leave unless I start keeping the hallway door that leads to the bedrooms shut permanently to not let the cats in there anymore and that he wasn't going to be closing their door at bedtime putting them "in a prison" for the sake of my "4 legged fleabag disgusting/vile creatures" and the same for our bedroom door.

So you put your new boyfriend of 12 / 18 months and his kids over pets who have lived in your home for 10 years?

He also gets shitty with me if I let them on my lap too much. He will sometimes gently push them off because he thinks it's ridiculous how needy they are even when I don't mind

It's because he is jealous of them. He's also jealous of your horses which is why he doesn't want you spending time with them and wants you at home with him. He's also jealous of your family which is why he "isn't comfortable with them coming round to meet his kids".

It is ALL jealousy and control @NellyElly1

I have done that before and he says he'll move out in that case. Maybe I should just let him.

Please do!

Yes because he's with you 🙄He just doesn't like you going on your own OP. Because he can't be there to control you.

Oh my god it just gets worse.

Aw, he is really not nice. He may be good at making you feel good, but that’s a sham. He is worming his way into controlling you completely.

Please send him back to his parents . You are worth more than what he has to give.

' I would miss his company though, miss the comfort sex and the support he gives me and his affection sex and care

Next time he says he’ll move out, tell him not to threaten you with a good time.

Or say ‘well, if you think that’s best’ and see how fast he back pedals.

Actually, thinking about it. I did ask him to leave before. I was so angry and told him to go. He TOLD me that he will leave after this weekend which was still a few more days away and I said no, I want him gone and I don't want to spend another weekend with the kids here when I've already said I don't want to be together anymore. He refused and wouldn't go and said he was having one last weekend here before he leaves and I take his home from them!!
Me being me with my history, I gave in and let us carry on trying to work things out.

Umm, no.

@NellyElly1

Funnily enough, marriage was the only goal I have in my life. I would love to be a wife and have a husband. I don't even think that's on the cards from his perspective so not really sure what he's offering me tbh as he's not sure he even wants to get married again.

Whatever you do don't marry this one.
He'll have half your house off you before you know it.

Umm yes

there is nothing in this relationship except that

you do not need him for anything

it is you that is doing all the giving

What "interests" do you share out of curiosity? Because it sounds like his only interest is controlling your life. And said yourself he doesn't like it when you go out because he's just home alone with nothing to do. If he had interests surely he would be keeping himself busy?

On a separate note, are you ok with him being home alone with your cats? Because I would absolutely fucking NOT leave him alone with my pets.

Our relationship isn't based off sex.

@NellyElly1 so he can move his kids in with you, but HE says only your OWN MUM can come to visit YOU IN YOUR OWN HOME, that he doesn’t contribute to???? This guy really has done a number on you. What a flaming cheek he has - how can you put up with this treatment??

@NellyElly1 Your cats need a nanny cam.
edited to add:
AND he doean't need to know about it obviously.

' I was so angry and told him to go. He TOLD me that he will leave after this weekend which was still a few more days away and I said no, I want him gone and I don't want to spend another weekend with the kids here when I've already said I don't want to be together anymore. He refused and wouldn't go and said he was having one last weekend here before he leaves and I take his home from them!! '

so TELL him again
arrange for your locks to be changed
make sure the children are not present/due to arrive
get someone to be with you - do you have a brother / father / brother in law / best friend's husband etc

and mean it this time

your life will change for the better overnight
and your cats can sit on your knee and be loved

stroking a cat is very theraputic

OP are you close to your family ? I think you need support IRL as well as on here .
If he refuses to leave do you have a brother / Dad / whoever to be there ?
If you were my daughter I know what I would be advising .
It doesn’t strike me that you have the same goals ; you want a loving relationship and time for your horses. He wants you to spend all your spare time with him and his DC . He hates your cats who live in YOUR house and by your own admission is very controlling.
I really wish this was a fake post .

He’s legally a lodger. You could change the locks and leave his stuff on the doorstep in bin bags and be legally in the clear. The more I hear about him, the more inclined I am to suggest you do exactly that.

I threatened this before and he warned me "you don't want to be getting the locks changed".

My dad doesn't really care about me (shock) so unlikely to have help there. No other male in the family.

Please get rid of this awful excuse for a man. You sound a lovely girl with a lot going for you. This man is a bully and a leech.

So let me get this straight:

• he abuses / mistreats your cats
• he wants you to spend your weekends having "family time" with him and his kids and not doing what you enjoy / your hobbies
• he doesn't allow you to have your family round TO YOUR OWN HOUSE because it's "too soon" for his children to meet them
• he has a massive amount of debt that he racked up spending "on a whim"
• until he moved in with you, was living in his mum and dad's spare room (despite being a grown man with children) and STILL didn't manage to pay off his debt
• doesn't contribute anything financially to you or the household
• threatens to leave when things aren't going his way
• from this last post, you don't even have sex

Yet you wanted advice on whether he had his kids enough / too much......?

He doesn't abuse or mistreat the cats.
We do have a normal sex life but it's not just based on that so it's irrelevant imo.

Yes, my original post was about that but I soon realised that this wasn't the problem.

so according to your original post, the children will be there tonight but will leave tomorrow morning

once they have all gone out of your house you will phone in sick to work, or if already at work you will need to leave due to a migraine starting

and you pack his stuff up, get help if there is too much
then phone him and tell him he and his children have moved out