Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

Just because this relationship or the way he treats you isn’t as bad as your previous relationships, it doesn’t make it ok or healthy. It’s still bad.

He has no issues doing things with the kids on his own. He takes them out for days out during school holidays while I'm at work on his own.

Well yes, of course he has no problem with this, because what problem could he possibly have with it?? You are at work earning money to keep them all.

But he DOES have a problem taking them out on his own when you are not at work. Because he wants to control your time. He doesn't think it should be your own. He is already controlling your time with your family and has sought to control the rest of it with your hobbies.

He says just to "be mindful". What the hell does this mean?

It is a warning.

I think he just likes the idea of doing things as a family, for him that is normal because it's what he had before but he needs to get used to it not being normal anymore because I'm not his wife or their BM.

100% this. He has a wife/mother shaped hole in his family so he wants you to fill it. Conveniently you don’t have or want your own children so you can just slot neatly into the gap his ex has left. It will be like she never left!

The fact that you also come with a ready made home for him is fabulous. For him.

He has not taken your wants and needs into account at all. The fact that you’ve chosen not to have DCs of your own for whatever reason shouldn’t mean that you are free to take on someone else’s. If you’re going to prioritise children over your dearly loved horses (and it sounds like your cats too ) then it should at least be your own much wanted and loved DCs (and however much some step parents say they love their SCs it’s nothing like the same thing for most of us.)

It’s good that you’re starting to question his stance a bit, and wondering what he means about being mindful. My guess would be that he still wants to be able to pull you up on it if you’re spending too much time away from him. Fuck. That. Shit.

You’re young and don’t have the responsibility of kids. You can do precisely whatever you like and a loving partner would want that for you.

Why does he want to keep you bound to him and his DCs rather than wanting you to be happy doing what you enjoy?

@NellyElly1 you've had the conversation with him that's great BUT you wrote this

'• He says he's come as a package but he needs to understand I don't need to spend time with them just because they are there and I have told him this. He believes that I do because if I don't then there is no point in us having a relationship and I've disagreed with this. I tell him I'm in a relationship with him, not them but he says to be in a relationship with him, they are included too as they're a unit. He can't seem to separate things and I don't know how else to explain it.'

So he still doesn't get it. He will still nag you to spend time with them

With each update Im not sure what it is exactly you're so attracted to ?

You are all just going to hate him more!

Initially, his kids were scared of cats. I have 2. My cats are both nearly 10 years old now, I've had them since they were kittens. They've always had full access to everywhere in my house.

However, we had a huge argument about this. He absolutely refused to have the bedroom door to the kids room shut to keep the cats out of there. He said it wasn't fair on the kids and they'd be upset if it was shut. He also hates cats and cat hair. He started saying he couldn't relax in bed because of the cats being there so he couldn't shut off and felt uneasy because of any hair that might be on the covers. Fair enough, most people don't want hair on their beds but there really wasn't much of it and it would be on the end of the bed if anything!

He basically just threatened that he and the kids will leave unless I start keeping the hallway door that leads to the bedrooms shut permanently to not let the cats in there anymore and that he wasn't going to be closing their door at bedtime putting them "in a prison" for the sake of my "4 legged fleabag disgusting/vile creatures" and the same for our bedroom door. For over 6 months and sometimes even now, the cats are upset that they can't get through anymore to the point he's had to put those outside bleeping cat deterrents that point at the door so that they won't scratch and damage the carpet wanting to get through. I told him I'll have that door shut but if they damage anything, he is replacing it. I didn't see why his children couldn't get used to having their door shut over my cats getting used to it. It's my house.

Now that they are only secluded to one part of the property, he complains that the sofa is always covered in hair and the cats are always around and he can't stand it. He says horrible things about them.

We have had SO many arguments about them, it's unreal. I love my cats and I've told him a number of times to fuck off if he doesn't like it. I miss having them in the bedroom with me. I also miss being able to sit on the sofa in peace but I can't escape from them either now because they have nowhere else to go.

He also gets shitty with me if I let them on my lap too much. He will sometimes gently push them off because he thinks it's ridiculous how needy they are even when I don't mind. I know, it's unbelievably controlling. I am so aware of all this. I'm clearly just weak.

I know what everyone is thinking. Genuinely. Not only do I pay for everything, he dictates my life AND how I use my house. I know.

@NellyElly1 your latest update is a concern. You see the red flags but want to paint them green by appeasing him.

just to give you a reality check. I did the family unit thing. I was available when his kids came because I too was told they’re a package deal, I too was told it wasn’t right I saw my friends did my shit because his kids were there and we were a “family” now. A family I wasn’t allowed a say in. I did exactly as he asked and exactly as your partner is asking and he still abused me. He found other ways to control, to manipulate, to gaslight, to guilt trip.

my abuser did plenty good too, he could make me feel top of the world, so loved, so gorgeous, so amazing but with a few words I’d feel like I was nothing, I didn’t matter, I wasn’t heard.

the good does not outweigh the bad. You want to stick around to see if this boundary works. It will for a while sure. Then they’ll be another boundary and another row and you’ll think, well he did improve before maybe he will again. Maybe I just need to be a little more this, a little more that, another reason to stay. Before you know it your 5 years in, miserable as fuck and 35 and the prospect of leaving feels even more daunting so you stay a bit longer and it repeats and repeats until you’ve wasted your life.

one thing everyone tells you when you’re the victim of abuse.. it’s not your fault. To a certain extent I agree. But after 2 years of tolerating abuse, standing up for myself and say no this is a boundary and he crossed it, apologised and carried on, I had to say.. this is my fault now. I’m letting this continue. I’m allowing this behaviour. This is on me to end.

I think you’re being very naive and ignoring your own gut, your most powerful tool aside from your brain. Would you tell your friends to stay or walk away? I hope you’d tell them to walk away, so why are you prepared to accept so little when you bring so damn much to the table. Don’t be afraid to eat alone.

I won’t be posting anymore because you’re not prepared to help yourself, no one else can.

good luck, you will sure need it

• He says he's come as a package but he needs to understand I don't need to spend time with them just because they are there and I have told him this. He believes that I do because if I don't then there is no point in us having a relationship and I've disagreed with this. I tell him I'm in a relationship with him, not them but he says to be in a relationship with him, they are included too as they're a unit. He can't seem to separate things and I don't know how else to explain it.

Does he spend any time with your horses? How would he feel if you insisted that whenever you’re with them he has to be too, that he needs to get up early on the days his DCs aren’t there and come and muck out? Does he get that you and your horses are also a unit? Did he accept that your cats came as part of the package? It sounds like the answer to that is sadly not. He’s a hypocrite and selfish controlling twat, who turns things around on you to make you doubt that you have any agency over your own life.

I know you want to try and make it work, but keep your eyes open and from now on you won’t be able to unsee it.

Very good point actually. It normally is only when I'm at work.

I'm glad I'm not the only one that saw it in that way. It is a warning isn't it.

Oh for fucks sake !
just how desperate are you

Op, thanks for updating and reading all the posts, it’s hard reading everyone’s opinions.

Like a PP has said, the phrase ‘be mindful’ really ran cold with me. He is warning you.
Do you know the root cause of his marriage breakdown? He is clearly controlling, and now throwing a little menace into it too.

Please don’t become another abused partner.

Obviously aside from attraction, we have the same goals and interests, we enjoy the same things, we get along so easily, we could chat for hours.

I don't mind being on my own and I'm not scared of being alone. I would miss his company though, miss the comfort and the support he gives me and his affection and care.

I'm really struggling with this | Mumsnet

Love doesn't override everything
He's acting like a dick and you're letting him walk over you
This is only going to get worse. How can it be better than being single with a life full of horses and cats?

Oh no. The cat update is another red flag. At least he didn’t convince you to get rid of them. Which was the fear for many of us when you mentioned them! But the fact that his kids are taking priority over YOUR cats in YOUR home and him pushing.the cats off your lap. No. Not on. This whole thing needs a total reset - he won’t go for it, but at least you’ll maybe see just how inflexible he is when you assert some of your own needs and boundaries. What would happen if you said “I’ve been thinking about how things have changed since you moved in and I don’t like it. This is how things are going to be from now on and anyone who doesn’t like it doesn’t need to live here”. What would you change and how would he react to that?

NO you won't miss him you only think you will

how can you miss him and his children

don't you miss your cats - 10 years since they were kitten

and you have ALLOWED him to put cat deterrents in YOUR HOUSE

he fucking knew you had cats before he moved his children into your home

He does come and help me quite a lot with the horses. Even if it's been last minute late emergency because one of them has got themselves in a pickle or a fence needs an urgent repair that I need a hand with. Even though he's scared of horses himself, he's been really good with them, despite them not being the easiest to handle. He's also come with me for very early morning farrier to help if I've needed it.

I've just read your post about your cats @NellyElly1 .

GET HIM OUT OF YOUR HOUSE NOW!!!!

He's already trying to alienate you from your friends and family, wants control over what you do with your free time, makes you treat your cats in ways you don't want to...Before you know it you won't be "allowed" go and look after your horses without a massive guilt trip and will end up getting rid of them to spend "family time" with him and his kids.

You have the same goals alright - you want your own house and own time, he wants your house and your time…

Please believe everyone who says you are a catch! There are really great men who you could have a supportive, equal relationship with. But unfortunately until you unpick all your negative experiences, you will also be a catch for abusive, controlling, freeloading men who can see how vulnerable you are to being preyed upon.

But every time you’re with them? What you’re describing here sounds very much like the level of involvement you’d like with his kids - ie, when you feel like it, as and when, etc. Not ALL the time!

I have done that before and he says he'll move out in that case. Maybe I should just let him.

I've known and had arguments about his controlling behaviour not long after he moved in with me.

You know he is controlling yet choose to stay.

Don't be a fool.

Get him and his children out ! Now

they can all to his parents
take control back of your life and your house

get therapy

I know because I've tried to make things work.

You are making the classic mistake of thinking if you can only find the right words to explain to him what he is doing and how he makes you feel, that he will change his behaviour. Sadly you are wrong. He knows what he is doing. You need to realise his controlling behaviour is deliberate.

I love my cats and I've told him a number of times to fuck off if he doesn't like it.

He doesn't fuck off though does he-because he has it too good & you mostly do as he says anyway.