Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

I guess I just feel bad kicking them out of their home just because I want my family to come over when I could just go out myself.

It’s not their home, it’s yours and you are being made a mug out of.

Yes and I haven't done my main update yet. I'm getting there!

It isn't "their" home!!! It's your home!!!

Jesus. I think everyone needs to stop posting on here (me included!) as absolutely none of the points that everyone are making are sinking in.

@NellyElly1 Good luck with everything. You're going to need it.

I'm not responding to all of the comments that say the same thing otherwise I'd just have to keep copy and pasting the same answer. This is why I'm going to do an update when I get to the end.

He and the children are living with you (OK, part time for the children). Most parents arrange for the children to meet the new partner’s family a long time before moving in.

It’s just another way he is taking over your life and isolating you. If he doesn’t want his children to meet your family at your house, he needs to find somewhere else to live.

he didn't want the kids meeting my family too soon so this took a while. They've only met my mum so far so she can now come round on weekends but anything else, I would either have to go on my own or not go.

It's all on his terms isn't it?

Honestly Op I think you are in another abusive relationship.

On the weekends, he washes their clothes, makes sure they're all dry and folded up ready to go back to mum so she doesn't need to do it. I don't control or take charge of any of this stuff. I look out for them as an adult caring for a child and being a friend to them but he sorts everything else and manages things

I don’t understand this bit about their clothes . Why would their mum need to wash, dry and fold the clothes that their dad bought for them and keeps at his house ?

The mum should NOT have to supply clothes for the children to use at dad’s house. They need to have clothes and toys at each house, so they don’t have to bring things back and forward.

and how does he rush around getting them ready for school ? I thought you said he has very early starts for work ?

and why did he move in with you when you live so far away from his childrens home and their school?

THIS, THIS, THIS.

We have clothes for them at ours. They will arrive at ours with clothes from hers, he will wash these to make sure they're clean ready to go back to hers along with any other clothes we have that belong at hers. She is supposed to return the clothes than belong at ours but that doesn't always happen! She doesn't supply anything.

He starts later on the midweek one to be able to have them on this day.

He moved in with me because we are in a relationship and wanted to progress to this stage.

Hopefully going to do my full update now. I'll try not to miss anything out.

he didn't want the kids meeting my family too soon so this took a while.

It wasn't "too soon" to move in to your (free) home and bring his kids along though was it???

Honestly OP. Step back and read through the hundreds of posts on here by parents, step-parents and everyone else with half a brain.

Best case scenario is he's a CF, worst case (and I think this may be the case given your comments like the above) is that he is controlling which only gets worse as time goes on...

He moved in with you because he was on the bones of his arse with nowhere else to go and you had money and a nice house.

He moved into your home and then he started laying down the law dictating what you can and can't do, using his children to extend himself into your territory, dominating it and claiming it as his own.

This is hugely alarming. Is he now dictating which family members you can invite to YOUR own house?

Well you know what he is now so unless you're happy being a doormat ged rid.

You don’t need anyone’s permission to go out at the weekend. There’s nothing that you should feel guilty for.

May I suggest that you spend a little time working on your confidence? You must be incredibly capable to care for horses and manage your own place after abusive relationships.

Think about giving some of the care you show your horses to yourself. Imagine the advice you’d give a friend if this was their relationship. Do that.

Come on! You are not that dumb this is gaslighting.

Do not give up the horses
You should able to say I'm off to the yard, see you in 4hrs

Okay, this is the update now. Hopefully won't miss anything. Going to do it in bullet points so it's easier.

• I am fully aware at how it looks and what he is doing. I do not agree with any of it, hence why I'm here for advice as I'm new to this sort of set up and I don't know what's right/wrong or what boundaries I'm entitled to.
• He has debt from spending too much money on whims when he didn't have the money. I am aware this is not a good thing.
• Yes, I did fall in love with him. I thought he was a good egg because my ex was so much worse so it appeared better.
• I am still in love with him and I want things to work. I'm not denying what he's doing but no one knows for sure if he's doing it on purpose with motive or if he genuinely doesn't realise apart from him.
• Stupidly, I fell in love with him so much that I just wanted him with me. I knew that he wouldn't be financially able to help me but I wanted to give him and the kids a home.
• I've known and had arguments about his controlling behaviour not long after he moved in with me. He turns this around on me, he says he's adapted to this new life more than I have. I know, it's a joke right? Don't even get me started on my cats.
• I have spoken to him and I've told him that I will start prioritising my time on the weekends to do what I want to do first and the time with the kids second on the basis we haven't BOTH planned something. He says this is fine, it's not how he would do things but appreciates that it's different for everyone. He says just to "be mindful". What the hell does this mean? Why do I need to be mindful of how much time I'm spending with my horses? My time isn't there to be restricted in case someone else wants me around.
• He has no issues doing things with the kids on his own. He takes them out for days out during school holidays while I'm at work on his own. I think he just likes the idea of doing things as a family, for him that is normal because it's what he had before but he needs to get used to it not being normal anymore because I'm not his wife or their BM.
• The only way I can know if he will truly accept it is to trial it. Aside from this, I'm still thinking about whether this is the life I want. I wanted and tried so hard to create that lovely little family life but reality has hit and I'm not sure if that's what I want.
• I don't want to leave him because I do love him, whether it's enough or not is irrelevant at the moment. I don't want to hurt either of us before even trying to see if this new way will work.
• If he turns around and says that I'm not spending enough time with the kids then that'll be it I guess because I'm not changing my horse time as everyone has said I shouldn't or is that selfish if I'm not compromising things?
• He says he's come as a package but he needs to understand I don't need to spend time with them just because they are there and I have told him this. He believes that I do because if I don't then there is no point in us having a relationship and I've disagreed with this. I tell him I'm in a relationship with him, not them but he says to be in a relationship with him, they are included too as they're a unit. He can't seem to separate things and I don't know how else to explain it.
• I'm worried he will also become resentful and I think he needs to figure out what he actually wants in a person. He has no problem moving back to his parents if I wanted him to but I don't want them getting involved with asking why he's back to be honest.
• He also does ALL the cooking and cleaning by the way. Every day. His own choice, no complaining.

I don't know if I've missed anything but as a conclusion, I'm not stupid and I do realise what he's doing. I'm hoping that what we've talked about will change so it can work but no one can tell what the future will be like. I disagree that he doesn't love me because I haven't said about all the good things he does but I think his idea of things is very different to mine and I'm not going to keep changing if he won't either.

You're not being selfish
This probably sounds twee to some people but I'm posting it so you remember why you need the horses

You're a relationship to work together, you're not a unit that has to never be separated
If anyone tried to tell me anything about my cat or the horse.. no
I would miss a ride for a big event or swap a riding day for a quick muck out for a date night etc but if he had a hobby he would be furious if you said no

Sorry, got to ask - what about your cats ?

• I've known and had arguments about his controlling behaviour not long after he moved in with me. He turns this around on me, he says he's adapted to this new life more than I have. I know, it's a joke right? Don't even get me started on my cats.

WHAT THE FUCK.

OP I'm assuming you've heard of a drip feed on here? Why is your original post about how often this bloke has his kids when, 26 pages in, you say you've had arguments about his controlling behaviour since he moved in with you???

All I’m hearing is what he wants and needs.

Youre paying for a roof over their heads and being dictated about what you should and shouldn’t be doing with your time and I can’t believe he has the balls to say the kids shouldn’t meet your family too soon. He didn’t think it was too soon to move them in with you.

DITCH HIM.

Please do not tell us that you have rehomed your cats.
Please do not tell us your prioritised golden dick over your existing pets

or is one of his precious children allergic or frightened of cats

he's adapted to his new life more than you have

of course he fucking has !
a free home
a free home for his children

what more could he want

oh yes - nanny with the fanny - well he has it