Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

It's definitely not the child access arrangement that's the issue op , it's your partner's attitude. Yes , you should work towards a positive relationship with his children , and it would be lovely if you made yourself available for days out and evening meals etc. But ultimately they are there to see their dad , so caring for your horses , and any other hobbies you have should be continued by you without pressure to be at home all day. Ffs , even mums and dads have weekend hobbies within reason , so why shouldn't you?

The financial arrangement is awful (for you) too. There have been so many threads on here lately with men moving themselves and their kids into a woman's house and expecting her to act like their mum and give financial support too. I firmly believe that he's taking the piss and would advise you to step way back and pick up your alone time again. Be prepared to see a different side of him when you do this , but at least you'll see his true colours.

Good luck op. This is not a good situation for you at all.

The amount of times you write: he says, he thinks, he wants...

As if that's the deciding factor. He can want all he likes, if you don't agree it doesn't happen.

It really sounds like you have come along just at the right time to fulfill what he wants: a nice subsidised home for him and his kids, and a women to help him parent.

All great for him, but not what you want. And why should you? It's a shitty deal.

Just tell him you are not doing it anymore. Tell him that time at the weekends is now going to dedicated to your horses and hobbies and you'll do family time outside this for a few planned hours. You expect him to parent his own children on his own for times at the weekend.

Don't ask him, don't disvuss it, tell him that's what you are doing.

When he says: but we're afamily unit. Say, no they are your children I am not their parent I am going to be spending some time on myself at weekends.

If he says he might as well be single, tell him that's his choice. He can accept this set up of some parenting alone and some 'family time' or he can move out and be entirely single. That decision is his.
Your decision is that you are not playing full time families at the weekend.

TBH you sound so cowed and passive. Is this what you are normally like in realtionships? Has he got a way of making you go along with what he wants? why are you letting him control you?

Yes the kids and time are an issue, but the bigger issue is why you've let this man do this.

Fuck that shit OP. I have horses too. And my own kids. I am still at the yard twice a day, 7 days a week. Weekends I'm there 9am til 1pm, 4-5pm. We do occasionally have a family day out, and granted I was on full livery until youngest dc was 7.

Riding, or even just being at the yard is vital for my mental and physical health. And yes, if I was desperately needed at home I would sort out help with the ponies. But I'm fucked if I am giving up my free time to traipse round family petting farms, soft play or some horrendous swimming pool. Not now the kids just want do their own thing anyway.

The problem is the age of the kids, and (probably) Disney Dad Derek that is forcing a relationship with his dcs on you. Tell him quite clearly your weekends are your weekends are your weekends and it's a non negotiable. Given he doesn't contribute to your horses, or even the house by the sounds of it, he's got a fucking cheek dictating your free time.

If he loves you as much as you love him he Will want you to be happy. If he doesn't and still insists you participate in performance parenting he can do that from his parents house, cos I would be out. It sounds suffocating and controlling.

Plus who the fuck wants to wrangle other people's kids when you can be out riding. I don't even want to wrangle my own!

No no no. He moved into your house with his kids 6 months after you got together??? So many red flags.

I think you need to revisit this one. I got on fine with my stepmother, but I hugely resented my dad for refusing 1:1 time and insisting that she had to be present all the time. Forcing a motherly role isn’t fair on the kids or you.

Honestly OP I started reading thinking you were going to deserve your ass being handed to you. But actually I think you’re quite right. You do, to my mind, have some responsibilities towards his kids - but that’s things like dropping everything for an emergency, welcoming them in to your house full time if the need arose. It doesn’t mean you have to do the day to day parenting and it certainly doesn’t mean that you lose your life in the way that parents often do.

Actually, it sounds like you’re losing your life even more than most parents - if I told my husband I was off to a spa weekend, or had booked a weekly class on a Saturday afternoon, or whatever, he would say great! And he’d do something fun with the kids. Adding this together with the lack of financial contribution throws all sorts of red flags up for me, sorry.

Is he very good looking OP?

I'm busy in the evenings with the horses. I'm trying to work through hundreds of replies.

He contributes but has a lot of previous debt. I was aware of this and suggested he focused on getting that paid off first because I'm comfortable, as long as he paid a bit.

Why does he have debts?

This.

He's moved from his ex to his parents to your house!! Wtf he needs to grow up and stand on his own 2 feet. He needs to Kate t his own kids and stop expecting others to do it for him.

You don't owe him anything here.

If I were you I would tell him you want to go back to dating. Live separately then you get your freedom and he learns how to be an adult. Then you can decide if you still want him.

I suggested that too. It doesn't really get much response
He's a kept man, and you let him ignore you when you raise an issue?!

@MulberryBushRoundabout I agree , it's very controlling to insist that she is always on hand to hang out with the kids when they're there. My husband and I don't spend all weekend parenting together , I have my things and he has his. I find it exceptionally odd that he thinks that in order to be a family unit you must be together at all times.

It's not working for you, he wants to play happy families,and you don't.

You don't want biological children but you've ended up in step mother role.

He's moved in to your nice home,RENT free and brought his children with him.

You aren't 'allowed' to do your hobbies etc and he dictates what you should be doing.

He certainly fell on his feet when he met you!

It's not that I don't want to be with them but would you genuinely expect your partner to quit everything to be with your children all the time?

God it gets worse.

He's got debt as well.

I’ve read many stories on here where men emotionally blackmail their gf into doing this so that they don’t have to do as much childcare and housework. These men should be parenting and not palming them off to their new woman- I bet that this kind of behaviour contributed to the end of his marriage.

1. He's controlling and refuses to listen to your very reasonable requests.

2. He refuses to parent his own kids solo.

3. He's in debt.

I fail to see why he's such a catch.

Oh hun, I did the same 🤦🏼‍♀️ I had my own home and I said don’t pay anything for now clear your debt. The relationship spiralled into that of an abusive one and I think he is showing signs of abuse ahead.

guess what, he cleared his debt, debt free for the first time in over 10 years, I was in 2k worth of debt more than when I met him 🤣 he left in a better position than he arrived and I left in a worse position yet he still had the audacity to tell me I was unfair, controlling all the names under the sun. For context he paid £500 a month which included roof, half of bills, car insurance £100 a month and food, oh and a place for his kids when they came.

this isn’t going to end well and I really fear you will loose yourself and wake up one day and literally say what the fuck.

I have so much peace now his is gone and I don’t live in abuse and with the drama his children and ex brought. I felt an instant relief, you’ll be surprised that the relief will be larger than the sadness. Yes you’ll have your moments of sad but this isn’t your happy or your equal. Please I beg you, love yourself more than him xx

does he ever spend time with his kids without you?

i really hope the responses on this thread are opening your eyes OP. This has so many red flags, you could sail a ship! Please get this absolute cocklodger out of your home! You are worth so so much more than this! He’s not a good man, he’s using you

Debt as well? 🚩
How on earth did he reel you in ? He could sell that technique to make his fortune.

No, I wouldn’t, as I say I understand that every weekend is a lot but the time overall is an okay amount. It’s a shame some of those days can’t be made into week days but saw that wouldn’t work for yourselves.

@EG94 that's brilliant advice. I'm glad you got yourself out of a horrible situation.

We did have to have several discussions a while back about him expecting me to be around during the day for us to both do stuff together too on our free weekends and I made it clear that I'm not here to entertain him.
He did then make the effort to find something he could go and do whilst I did my thing. Obviously this doesn't happen all the time as I want to spend time with him so I'm happy to compromise on my time because it's rare I'm with him on my own but I wasn't going to rush my time with the horses all the time just because he gets bored on his own!

Maybe he did an Andrew Tate course?
That's his angle isnt it, 'how to make a woman fall in love with you so that you can exploit her'

You don't need to be here asking this OP. You know it's fine for him and his kids to hang out just them, without you. You know he's taking the absolute piss living off you and trying to control how you spend your time.

The routine is unbalanced with too much weekend time and not enough week day time. You know he's not being reasonable. He wants you with him 24/7 and that doesn't work for you. If he can't accept that then I don't think this can work long term.