Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

OP, even if they were your own children it would still be reasonable to have hobbies and spend time doing your own thing for part of a weekend. I'm (still 😜) married to my children's dad but we definitely don't spend every weekend bonding "as a family unit". That's not really sustainable, nobody would ever get stuff done. Sometimes I have them all and he is doing something else or sometimes he takes them all to the park etc while i relax or do stuff, or sometimes we have one or two each because of matches/parties/activities. And yes, we have family days too but not all day every day for the whole weekend. What he wants isn't really realistic or sustainable, it's nothing to do with you being a step mom or not caring enough for the children.

@NellyElly1
The thread is all but unanimous, most of us think you are being exploited by this man, but you dont seem to be acknowledging that?

it’s seems your partner has a good deal with this arrangement - in brackets is your time to yourselves so it is only one weekend out of 5 that your full weekend is spent with the kids - so the mum doesn’t get most weekends off?

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm (Saturday evening and Sunday to yourselves)
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am (Sunday to do stuff without kids)
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm (Friday night free and Saturday daytime to yourselves)
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm (weekend mostly with children)
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

He's gaslighting you. Don't get into discussions and debates with men like this you will never win. Personally, I'd send him and his children packing but I don't think that's what you want to hear.

Tell him once and once only that you will you be doing your own thing when his children are visiting from now on and don't engage in any further conversations about it. Literally just get up when you want, spend as much time with your horses as you want, come and go as you want. If he's not happy he can leave.

You are young and independent and deserve so much more. Put yourself and your needs and wants first.

I really hope you see him for what he is and I wish you all the best.

Gosh OP, go and ride your horses. Otherwise you will wake up one day with 2 elderly horses that you never got time to ride. Happened to me, but at least they were my children and I was the single parent so of course I put them first. Tell your partner that this is how it is and go and spend a lovely day at your stables. If he doesn't like it then he needs to move out.

I'm going to add my voice to those saying this man is using you for your house and childcare. Even if he is there is easier/more enjoyable to have someone doing it alongside you. They are his kids not yours. You should be able to do your hobbies.

My ex has done the same as your partner. My kids hated spending time with him, then came a time where the gf was there and the had amazing family time and my kids loved it. Now they tell me the gf is snappy with them over breakfast or won't let them go to the park- when I ask where is daddy they tell me he's still in bed or he's playing computer games.

Men use women and trick us into thinking they love us. Don't be so naive

Ehm, if they were your children you might still go to the horses or away on rides some weekends and leave your children with their father.
What do you want your next 10 years look like?

Just to add though - they are his responsibility so you shouldn’t feel that you have spend all of your time with the children when they are there.

Also re. your updates that it is your house and he has moved in - this does make it more tricky. It sounds like he should be contributing more - especially if you are housing his children almost every weekend for a proportion of the weekend.

Wow. And debt too.

what a surprise!

No and if my partner did expect that it would show me that he had no respect for me or value me as a person with wants and needs of my own. But you know that.

They are not your children and not your problem.

A very comfortable single with a house provided. You’re being manipulated. Do your thing. Shrug and say ‘if you feel that way, but I find it extremely dismissive of you.’

⬆️
Exactly. And those in relationships can have their own hobbies and time on their own.

So he has them one day and one evening a week? Yes very normal and surely this leaves you with time for yourselves every weekend.

There's nothing you can do about it is there? I'm a step mum and sometimes it was hard but you're either in it for the long haul or not. If this feels like too much for YOU then I'd get out sooner rather than later, because in reality your partners children aren't seeing their dad all that much and you can't reduce that time further in all good consciousness.

They need to move out and you need to build your relationship with that distance

or end it, you have to be a team and that means agreeing on how your “unit” is set up. If you cannot agree, you cannot continue - it’s not fair to anyone.

he may feel shame and regret at the breakdown of his marriage he may feel that this relationship has to be a happy family duplicate but that’s for this therapy and for him to work through

He gets bored on his own? So what you are willing to neglect your horses and your life for a man who offers nothing but demands on you and your life. That isn’t love or a partnership

He sounds like a right PITA.

So OP you seem to just be repeating the same thing, that its like this because that's what he wants. Did you take anything away from your thread?

Yep.

OP, why aren't you taking on board some of the comments here? If you're going to believe his version of the truth above all the facts and everyone else waving red flags I'm not sure what more there is to say.

The facts:

He's financially sponging off you.
He's controlling your time & schedule to suit his wishes.
He shuts down your perfectly valid objections.
You are only 30 and can do far far better than this.
You don't want your own children, so why are you taking on someone else's like this?
Your future is bleak if you don't make a change.

OP he really did see you coming.
I bet that when he was with his ex he didn’t do anything I. His own with the kids, then he was at his parents so his mum/dad were there and now he has you to take on that role.

If he values your relationship, he will be open to the idea of moving out and having his own home for the kids and building your relationship from that foundation

if he doesn’t, well there’s your answer

Its clearly “you” plural - sometimes if you use the dictate function to write text it gives some wacky alternatives

if you read it out loud and imagine a scouse accent it makes perfect sense

The plural of you is yous.

He contributes but has a lot of previous debt. I was aware of this and suggested he focused on getting that paid off first because I'm comfortable, as long as he paid a bit.

I think you really should go to therapy and explore why you seem to have become his rescuer at the expense of your own well-being.

So this isn’t about you wanting him to see the kids less as the title suggests, but actually you’re in a toxic relationship with a man who doesn’t respect you.

im only 27 myself and have had fair experience with this and he’s manipulative and gaslighting you and you’re trapped cos he’s in your house with his kids. He’s genuinely stopping you have your own life too but laying on the guilt and this false fairytale of family time which is what HE wants and not what YOU want. I can already read the resentment in your posts. You can be a step parent and care for the children and still need your own time. You’ve chosen a guy with kids but that does not mean that you can’t want your own time too. I really feel for you and really hope you take some of the advice on this thread because the way he’s manipulating you is abusive