Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

@NellyElly1

My immediate thought to reading this was: “Ooh no that’s not on. That’s not right”

Are you able to discuss finances again and see if you can agree on him contributing regularly to household bills? E.g. if he pays you a contribution every month?

OP seriously, why doesn't he contribute financially? You must know that's not ok? I'm actually angry for you.

OP, being single is not a fate worse than death, and you shouldn’t think you have to put up with this crap to avoid it!

It sounds like you have a really full life. You’ve got yourself set up in your own home by 30. Don’t let him take all that from you.

You’re pretty sure you don’t want children. You obviously don’t need a man’s financial help. So be single, enjoy your life, and in time a man who is your equal (financially, life goals) will come along - you’re a catch!

If something happens to mum dad will have them full time. It's a fairly unusual time split I admit, 50/50 but more during the week might be fairer

"Nanny with a fanny".

That's just brilliant. So accurate. Sadly.

Sorry OP.

I have kids, I get a grand total of no Fridays and no Saturdays off unless I get a babysitter 😂
Can’t you work out a slightly better arrangement with the mum she might prefer to see her kids at the weekend more frequently and have some extra time in the week.

My blood is boiling for you. Of course you should be allowed to have your weekends to do what you want. You are still in the honeymoon phase and seeing him in a golden light. But he really has done a number on you. These are not your children. They are his. He is sponging off you, and still expecting you to be there for all the time. It’s almost like he doesn’t actually want to parent alone. Don’t fall for his gaslighting it’s total nonsense.

I’m sorry he’s convinced you you’re doing something wrong, OP. He’s absolutely got you wrapped around his finger - housing him and his kids, paying the bills, and now not allowed to do your hobbies while he sees his children?

I understand how powerful love is, but I’ve also seen from MN and from friends that no bad relationship ever begins with the woman not in love with the man who ends up exploiting her at best, abusing her at worst.

At the very least, he’s telling what you SHOULD want and SHOULD do - no matter how much you love him, you don’t have to live your life by his wants and needs. You might be sad but this isn’t the one for you.

Can’t you work out a slightly better arrangement with the mum she might prefer to see her kids at the weekend more frequently and have some extra time in the week.

Sensible suggestion, but I’d bet she wouldn’t be too keen to give up all her child-free weekends!

It would be best if he got this schedule changed so that they were only at yours for two weekends per month. Your opinion matters, especially since it's your house. If that doesn't happen, absolutely go off and do your own thing and leave him with his kids. You have no obligation to be there all the time. If he doesn't want to talk about any of this then revaluate the relationship.

He get somewhere for him and his DC to live fre of charge, plus free childcare and a woman at his beck and call. What do you get from this arrangement?

Is he also older than you? He’s overruling you like a parent would, and you’ve mentioned issues with your relationship with your own father.

I know you’re avoiding posters that are pointing out the obvious, so I’m going to be really blunt with you because I think you need to hear it.

This man does not love you.

He is manipulating you and taking advantage of you. He needed a place to live and you obligingly offered yours. He’s not even contributing. He wants to control you so he can access your resources for himself.

I’m a horsewoman too. Do you know what his next move will be? He’ll start on you to sell them. It will be “You don’t ride them enough, you don’t have enough time, it’s a waste, oh but the children…” If you give it another year you will see. And frankly it doesn’t sound like you’re strong enough to resist him when he starts that.

Do you have family? Friends? Anyone at all to support you in getting him out and back to his parents?

That is what you need to do first and foremost. It is worrying that you have this father/daughter dynamic going on where he takes advantage of you and dictates everything and you accept it. Get him out before he does more damage, and then please seek support to understand why you have allowed this to happen. You are worth more than this kind of insidious abuse. 💐

He sounds selfish and manipulative.

The fact he's not listening to you, is a huge red flag.

And he's not even paying his way.

Get rid!

I think you need to change the routine. I’m split from my ex and we look after the children 50% of the time each.

Our routine is:
M&T - Mum
W&T - Dad
F to M - Alternate

Benefits mean you get EOW child-free to spend time with your partner / do your own hobbies and their Mum gets to have weekend time with them (after the drudge of the week). Surely win win! Give you time to unwind before seeing them again.

Would involve sorting wraparound care for the week day mornings though if needed. But surely that’s worth it to get involved with school life and also have EOW weekend off.

Can you read. He moved into her house and contributes virtually nothing financially.

OP, he needs you much more than you need him, stop obeying him, what's he gonna do threaten to move out?
where is he gonna go, back to his mummy and daddy ?
He's playing you

Enough for you perhaps. But not enough for the children who would have so little time with their father. If your DP thought it was enough, then he’s clearly an unpleasant, irresponsible, man.

OP, if you are in a relationship with someone with children then their children should be non negotiable. If he wants them less then he is not a man worth being with. If you want them less, then you should leave and be with a man without children.

Ultimately, you're not compatible. He is a doting father who thinks the world should revolve around his kids. It seems that he has no intention of seeing your point of view or appreciating that you are a child-free woman, yet is trying to push his child centric world onto you. He's not listening to you and he doesn't seem to care what you want. It's not fair.

No one is saying he shouldn't see his children but he can't expect you to be Mary bloody Poppins and want to spend all your time with his kids just because he does. If he wants the picture perfect family then he needs to find a woman who wants that too. He can't expect you to be someone you're not and he can't just get everything the way he wants just because he wants it.

It sounds like you have sacrificed a lot for his family, your home, your spare rooms, your weekends. What has he sacrificed for you? What has he changed in his life to accommodate you? Has he looked at finding a different job so he can accommodate weekdays and free up some weekend for you? Or is it just you who's expected to adapt to his world?

You're still young. Find a man who is child-free or at least one who appreciates that not every woman wants to be a hands on parent. Life it too short. Enjoy your weekends, enjoy your hobbies, enjoy your free time however you choose.

You've tried to fit in with him but the only option he's offering is doing everything he wants in the way that he wants.

Sit him down and explain that unfortunately you're not able to be a mother to his children (or him) and that you need to take a step back.

Then explain that the maxim your roof, your roof applies and you've packed his bags for him. Tell him to leave his key in your hand as he goes.

So sorry @NellyElly1 you probably didn't think the thread would go the way it has. This is your life, your couple and you are in love, but seen from a different perspective there are many many red flags that you shouldn't ignore.
I can assure you that his next move if you try to assert your independence and distance yourself from HIS responsibilities will be to to ask you to marry him.
Please don't.

Is he a doting father? Sounds to me like he doesn't want to spend time alone with his children, finds it too stressful and so has to manipulate her into being there with him so that he can cope.

What WhichEllie said. He's not a lovely guy. He's unreasonable, manipulative, is free-loading on you, and I bet he hates your horses.

Take the horses and get out of there.

Nanny with a fanny who provides free accommodation,

Get rid @NellyElly1

You say you love him but are you sure you love the person he actually is, and not the person you'd like him to be? His refusal to even consider your point of view doesn't sound very lovable to me.

If I can gauge well enough from previous posts, that poster is being sarcastic I’m sure I’ve seen her express and I agree that the world should not revolve around the kids. At times yes they need to come first but not all and every time. That poster is incredibly lucky to have found a good dad and husband who gets balance and he whips his kids into shape. Illpickthatup is made to feel loved, cherished and respected and never second best. I want her husband to do Disney dad ted talks 😂😂