Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

Yes, I know. ^^ Like I said above it would have helped to read the whole thread. I usually do, but not this time.

You are absolutely right, but I can not understand why on earth you let them move in almost for free. Why?

Quite a few red flags here I’m afraid. Living with parents then moves in with you. Doesn’t pay his way. Controlling your behaviour even when you’ve made it clear that you don’t want to do something. Making you miss out on hobbies. “Telling” you you’re now in a family unit.

Firstly he needs to start paying his way. Especially if his kids are also using your house. Then you need to have a chat about what you are intending to do at the weekend from now on, spending some time with him and the kids, but some time on your own/ doing hobbies. This is not up for debate/ guilt tripping. FFS I spend a good chunk of my weekend doing hobbies and I have kids who I voluntarily chose to give birth to! If he’s a decent guy he will understand and work with you.

Worst case scenario is he’s using you as an unpaid landlady and quasi-mum. You need to nip this in the bud now- it will only get worse.

@WillLiveLife but they were your partner’s children too, why should he not look after them?

Can you try approaching this from a different angle? Have you tried suggesting to him that, actually, his kids might prefer to be able to spend time with their father without you? That actually, alone time with their dad, without you, is good and healthy for his children? That the best way to cultivate a relationship is not for you (and them) to feel that you've been forced together. The kids will sense if you're not wanting to be there. Much better that you plan to do something on e.g. Saturdays, and then the Sundays they are with you, you can spend time with them, but the Saturdays you don't? Building a relationship with hid kids will surely be much more successful if you're not building resentment

Apologies as I should have read all your posts @NellyElly1 before I posted. He is controlling and grooming you to how he wants things to be.

I know you say you love him but ask yourself how you can love someone who isn't putting his kids first - moving this quick is madness. Someone who is dictating and controlling his partner - he is and you're pushing back which is right, but not effectively.

There’s an active thread, which may interest you a bit today. This is a woman, whose boyfriend just decided to move in and manipulate her. He moved fast and she’s having none of it. Some of the comments from posters are saying it’s a good job he moved too fast otherwise she probably would have missed the signs of controlling behaviour.

My take is that your ‘partner’ is probably a bit of a walking red flag. But because he moved slowly and manipulated you into thinking his moving in was your idea, you’ve gone along with things. There is a particular comment on the thread, which stuck with me. Something about once a person has done something like 3 outrageous things you’re, pinned, stuck, trapped and they can do anything they like with you. I do wonder if that is what is happening with you and now you’re reflecting upon it and trying to break free.

If this man was truly a brilliant and devoted dad, he’d want to take them places alone and not insist on always being a family unit, he’d do the difficult nitty gritty part of parenthood ie the school week even if it meant before school care or juggling.

Your being omnipresent actually isn’t good for the kids. They need to do things with him alone to build and maintain the bond with him. He is always going to be a constant in their lives whereas you, who doesn’t want children may one day get fed up of the situation so it’s actually not good for their well being and mental health either to always come as a pair. If he were truly a good dad, he’d be thinking about their needs rather than just his wants.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5130387-partner-moved-himself-in-without-my-say-so?page=1

If anything, you are the guest in their home, OP

NO.

Even before OP clarified it's her house this comment had got my hackles up. If OP had moved into her partner's house, it still wouldn't make her a 'guest'. It would be her home as well as that of her partner and his children.

Having read a few more of the posts it sounds like there's cocklodging going on in this particular scenario, but that's a separate point. Saying that a woman who moves into the home of a man who has children is a 'guest' is ludicrous.

So much antipathy on MN for any woman who lives with a man who has children and dares to still want a life.

Well as others have said, he sounds like a right cocklodger and wtf isn't he paying his way if he works AND you accommodate his children every week. The mind boggles how these men do it.

If you insist on keeping him, just tell him you love his children and understand they he comes as a package, but they aren't your children and you don't need to spend every waking minute with them. Some days they come you might be there the whole time, but others they might not see you and that's OK & doesn't need a debate. And that's the end of the conversation.

I'd imagine he kids would rather have time alone with their dad so he either needs to accept you have a life outside his children, and you prioritise your horses just as he prioritised his children - if he doesn't like it then jog on.

@WillLiveLife

parents who split up are not selfish! Would you say that in cases of domestic violence?

I don’t think either of you are what the other is looking for.

Your DP wants someone to love snd mother his children like their own. This isn’t you and it’s not the lifestyle you want. He can’t understand why you need space and don’t want to be their mum. He’ll become resentful you aren’t/don’t want to be a unit.

You don’t really want someone with children. He would be perfect if he didn’t have them, wouldn’t he? (Apart from the CF cocklodger tendencies). Even if you spend more time the way you want, you’ll eventually get resentful that you’re always on your own while he’s off with the ‘bloody kids’.

Adding the children into the mix, they’ll sense that they are an inconvenience as I think you did as a child.

I can’t see how this will end well for any of you.

"Nope. A small contribution when he can."

This situation just gets worse and worse. He really is a cocklodger!

Not your monkeys, not your circus.

Time to reset the relationship

@WillLiveLife often marriages break up because one person has been a shit. If the hurt partner leaves do you think they are selfish ?

For fuck's sake what are you thinking? Dump the shitty parasite.

Dump the cocklodger……he lives rent free in your house and stops you living your life as that’s what he wants not caring what you want or what makes you happy. Prioritise your horses over him, they’re worth it he isn’t.

Exactly. As a parent it’s full on for ooohh, roughly 18 years or so and then they still need you pretty much on and off all the way through until you shuffle off your mortal coil.

Thats what being a parent is.

He’s a part-time weekend dad already doing less than his fair share. He’s not even around half the time.

it sounds like you’d be better off with a man with no kids. Then no compromises on your part.

As another woman said on another thread, if you’re not going to have children why compromise, find someone who is obsessed with you, not his kids, and then you.

Hmm. Difficult. I see both sides...
What about DH doing things with his kids solo every other weekend so you can do your thing too?
The ex has planned it so she gets mostly peaceful weekends. Clever.
If you aren't too bothered being hands on then let him do the donkey work if that's his bag. Maybe make your free Fridays or sundays your date night.
Good luck.
Don't sacrifice everything for him. He's not doing that for you. Rather he's assuming you are on board with dc but clearly there's discussions to be had here.

Whatever you don’t bloody marry him
if you do your giving him half of your house : equity and could possibly find that as it’s a family home your the one that gets less in any divorce despite the kids not being yours and you owning the house before you met him

But he is a grade A cocklodger

Bloody hell, @NellyElly1 I’d say most of my fellow horsey mates are not doormats, it’s a stereotype on a yard! He is taking the severe piss, a ‘small contribution’ when he can?! Mahoosive piss taker/cocklodger! You’re spending money on him, his kids and he’s not even paying rent!

What exactly do you love so much about someone who wants to control you so you barely have time to do the horses? Are they on livery? You’re feeling guilty about the time you spend with your horses, but they were there before him and his kids. They’re not yours, you don’t have to spend all your time with them, he should not be demanding your time as well as taking the major piss out of you financially. Stop being a doormat, is he really worth it? Either he steps out and starts turning out at the crack and mucking out, plus buys all the hay/bedding/feed as a contribution, or he can fuck right off!

You know what Op if you start doing whatever you want when his kids are there-he won't leave because he's got it too good.

Unless he wants more than a home for his kids with little finance from him.

Wow.

So what do you decree is an acceptable reason to split?

We have my step children every other weekend and sometimes in the holidays. My husband works nights and due to distance, we don’t have them in the week.

Could you look to move to every other weekend all weekend and then some time in the week?

My husband used to have a weird weekend schedule with the kids and it meant we got no time and also lots of driving so changed things. It’s worked well for us!

Also don’t feel you have to be around all the time when the kids are there, I’m not! Sometimes we do stuff together, or we split things with the kids due to their age difference and on occasion, I leave them to it!

Nuh Don't sacrifice ANYTHING for him.