Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

'He pays a small contribution' I was waiting for this one! Yes, he saw you coming.

This is hilarious.

I think half the problem here is you’re trying to have a rational conversation with someone who absolutely refuses to - because he knows he has no reasonable basis to engage on. So he just stonewalls you.

So stop talking and start living your life how you want it. Attend planned family outings, but go and ride if the plan is just sitting around at home. If he doesn’t like it he can always leave.

I've only read the OP @NellyElly1.
You actually don't have the kids very much and I think your H is a shit father if he is feeling this is too much.

Time to leave as the kids will soon know that they aren't welcome no matter how much you'll probably say you don't let it show. Kids aren't daft.

Zero respect for anyone who doesn't want to spend as much time as possible with their kids when they don't live with them.

Ideally I think you need to end it & tell him to leave.
An alternative - you sit down and tell him every Saturday from now on is your time. If you want to spend the whole day with your horses you will do so.
Any other days you want to do something for you, you will do so.
He will not moan, comment or get annoyed with your decision on how you spend your own time. His kids need time with him, not always with you.

He starts contributing a fair share of bills. The odd amount here or there is not good enough.

If his answer is You may as well be single, then your reply is actually yes you are right. You can move out. I'll give you until the weekend.

You sound too good for him. You need to realise this. Best of luck.

he is creating that manipulative narrative to keep you where he wants you.

Of COURSE his ex gets on well with you, one; she is shot of him, two: you are picking up all the pieces and three: she is getting more weekends off to herself, working PT and pottering about doing what she wants to do and have everyone else support her to do it.

Your BF is manipulating you into doing his bidding, the way you frame this is to leave the kids out of the conversation entirely, he keeps telling you that you have no right to be the priority in your own life, that if they were your kids you would have to parent them etc etc, but HE IS their parent, his EX is their parent and somehow a lot of this is either falling to you or dragging you into THEIR family set up.

What you say to him is that my needs are not being met in this relationship, this is not the way I want to live, this is not my life. You tell him that he rightly needs to focus on his small children, and spend property time with them to bond etc etc and you have other priorities and responsibilities in life that have been around for longer than he and his kids have and that you are neglecting them. so best for all for him to move back to his parents/wherever so that you can focus on your responsibilities and he can focus on his.

You say in one of your posts that you don't want kids - this could be the case, but it could also be that you don't want them with him. Somoene said that to me when I said it about my husband. He was right, My Ex as not the one for me and this guy is not The One for you.

Let me put it this way; Every relationship we have is a learning experience, you have a lesson to learn and you have learned it. You have learned to love someone, to trust them and to let them into your home and heart.

But this is not the set up you want and it's not the set up you need or that the kids need.

So now you need to let this lesson go, turn the page so that you can move on to the next one, and towards The One you are supposed to be with. I know that comes across a bit woo, but I did a lot a online dating and i could see literally every lesson I was supposed to learn, every skill I was supposed to gain and when I had them, it was clear the time would come to move on. Now I have My One.

I know you think the world of him, but he thinks you are there to make his life easier. You do need to ask him to move back out. Keep your lives more separate - you can still date, but it won't be a relationship that has any future as a happy family as he is not invested in your happiness and never will be. He will also never change. He needs subservience, his ex clearly wasn't happy either - and they are her kids!

HE BLEW this, not you. I'm really cross on your behalf.

We used to do 50:50 o n a fortnightly pattern. Midweek to Monday morning one week and then weekdays only the second week. This meant we could share weekend and meant both we and their mum saw them every week. It worked pretty well for everyone. I think it is good for the SC to have weekend time with both parents if possible.

I think it's quite unusual for children in a good co-parenting set up to spend 4 out of 5 weekends with one of the parents.

Kick him out now. Its sad for the kids but he is playing you

Good grief !

WHY have you done this to yourself ?

he chose well didn't he - someone with their own home and he doesn't even pay half - well done him !!!

It sounds like you've missed quite a few replies. They moved into my house that I'm paying for. They are NOT my children, they are his. Being in a relationship and living together, does not make them ours.

I agree - WAY TOO Good for him.

No to the bills tho, he needs to go. The last thing @NellyElly1 needs is him getting his feet under the table then bamboozling her out of a share of the house because of the kids/bills etc

He's a cocklodger for sure. He is not a good man, he's one to be thrown back into the sea

If he is working where does his money go?

"Sorry, we were dating/seeing each other/exclusive for a year first first. We became "official" and he moved in shortly after. Then about 3-4 months later, the kids were introduced and then a couple of months after that, they moved in as well."

I'm thinking because of this comment you are NOT married. You are ultimately going to be happy about that. No matter how much you love him you two are not on the same path in life Neither is the wrong path but you clearly want different things. I am concerned about the financial end of this arrangement too. Look out for yourself.

WHAAAT?! He's not paying his way? Kick the freeloading fucker out and that solves the entire problem. Fucking hell. Do not put up with that shit.

I would very much doubt you love him op.

Because objectively - he sounds like a horrible controlling twat who is using you.

I suspect you are in love with the idea of being in love and will work any bloke who says yes in to your fantasy.

Is he much older by any chance?
He's got some nerve on him.
Coming into your home which he barely contributes to and thinking he sets the agenda.
It's not the kids that are the problem.
Also where is all his money going then?
You need out of this op.

Dump.
He is using you for free accommodation AND guilttripping you to care for HIS children.
At 30 you can find someone who will at least pay his share and sort his own offsprung especially if you don't want children.

You are together for a year and half, you will start resenting him when he piles up expenses around his children from his exes wishlist.

You’ve said you’re not maternal but chose a partner with children. You aren’t a good match, resentment and unhappiness will grow and it could affect his relationship with his children if he tries to appease you - which I’m sure you wouldn’t want.

Walk away.

Please stand your ground with him and make it clear that you will be enjoying your hobbies for a few hours on a weekend while he parents his children.
If he says you may as well be single, just tell him he is entitled to his opinion but you're not budging on that
Then do it and let him get used to it.
Also make him pay half of the bills.

This is ridiculous. I can't believe some guys have such a magical cock they can get young successful women to not only be nanny with benefits but pay for the privilege.

OP do not let him emotional blackmail you and if he calls you selfish again send him packing back to Mum and Dad. No wonder he's bloody divorced.

Enjoy your horses and your life OP.

Did he see his kids for the same amount when he lived with his parents ?

How much did you see each other before you met the kids ? Were his parents the babysitters so he could make time to date ?

Just reading more of the thread now. Yet another absolutely farcical story of a cock lodger and a woman who is oblivious to it.

I can't believe the cheek of him. Get rid.

Agree with this. This is absolutely bonkers op! I know it doesn’t feel like it, but he’s financially abusing you. I’d do a bit of research so it doesn’t happen again,