Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

Organise your date night for each week, in advance.
Socialise with friends as a couple on the weekend off child care.

Be there for family meals in the evenings most days that the kids are there. Participate in any forward planned exciting activity with the children that you would enjoy.
Otherwise, do your own thing every other part of the weekend.

Get up late, ride your horses and do hobbies and leave DP to attend to his parenting responsibilities.

You need to factor in many hours for your own life or the relationship will not be sustainable long term.

Don't bother. Nothing you say will make a bit of difference because he's getting what he wants.

Just say "I've given this a great deal of thought and it is not what I want. You need to pack and move out back to your parents". See what a fuss he starts to put up and what promises he'll make (and break) then. And if he ends the relationship, exactly what have you lost? A body in your bed and the right to say "I have a partner"? That's not much to my way of thinking.

The thing is, despite all the romantic notions out there in the world, love is NOT enough. You can love someone to distraction and that doesn't mean they are right for you, or you for them. And you and he are not right for each other. He wants a mother for his kids to take the weight off him (or be an audience to his parenting) and you want a partner who is 'free' and who lets you be 'free' too.

I've never been in this situation and other Step mothers are probably more qualified to reply. My personal feelings having read your posts OP is that I'm inclined to agree with your OH. Children from homes where their parents have divorced have to deal with so much including getting used to being part of a blended family when their parents meet new partners. It's for this reason I think it's important to parent step children as you would your own children while still respecting the actual parents wishes etc. Having said this I'm very maternal. If I wasn't I would probably avoid getting into a relationship where children are and should be a priority while they are growing up.

You can parent your own children without having to give up everything and spend every hour of the day with them. Parents of all types are allowed hobbies and time which they spend with friends without their kids. Her DP isn’t asking her to parent them as she would her own children. He’s asking her to give up her entire life outside of his children. It’s insane.

It's a package deal - a man with kids. He should see his kids as much as possible. However, I don't see why you should be there all the time and hold back on your hobby. Even biological parents need ' me time' and there is nothing wrong with you doing your hobby while they spend time with their dad. He is being unreasonable to expect you to always join in. You need to set some boundaries and manage his expectations. You have needs that are not being met in this relationship and I don't understand his insistence that you always do the main activity of the day with his kids.

My husband and I have pre school + school age DC - obviously we are both at home at weekends - in no way do we expect each other to sit around and be available to do everything together all the time.

sat am I do park run and meet my friends for coffee while he takes them to their clubs. Sunday morning he has his sport slot while I take them swimming.

Friday night we aim for a family movie + pizza night with the children. Saturday afternoon we ring fence as family time apart from children’s birthday parties. Saturday night we often get a baby sitter once DC are jn bed and both go out for dinner - or sometimes just one of us will go to meet a friend / an event.

My point being - these ARE my children and my DH is very comfortable with me taking time for my own thing at the weekends. Your OH sounds like he needs to get a grip and let you live your life along side his rather than expecting to cling on to you like barnacles and drain all your life force.

I would lay out some hard expectations. They are his children - you are happy to love him and love them, to keep them safe and spend quality time with them. However they are not your only care and consideration. You also love yourself, you love your horses and you aren’t prepared to abnegate all sense of self and your choices and preferences. Tell him what you need. Make him work around you 50% of the time!

@NellyElly1 sorry but I am always suspicious of divorced fathers moving into a woman's house!! I feel it is too handy for them having a room for their kids to sleep in and built in help with the child care!! I bet he didnt put up any fight when you offered for him to move into yours????? He really has had no opportunity to do any real parenting by himself if he has always had his ex or his parents to help and now you! i dont think he is actually confident enough to go it alone and that is the real reason he prefers you to be there!

He's completely ridiculous. Does he honestly expect you to spend every second with him and his children? That's not normal or healthy. If he was like that with their mother, it's little wonder he's now an ex.

Would be ironic if she was on MN before they split up, being advised to bin him off so she'd get some of her weekends back....

That's a separate issue and you know it.

You said people who leave relationships are selfish as fact in its own right.

Exactly this. Even biological parents need time to recharge batteries, so why not you?

Firstly, he pretty much has them 50/50 if not more than the mother. They’re at school 5 days a week so what an hour in the morning and 4-5 hours in the evening. 30 hours a week probs less as dad picks them up every Friday night 4 weeks on the bounce.

what I would say is, what was the contact set up pre move in? Was it this 4 weeks on 1 week off? If so, I can’t believe I’m saying this but you did know this before you got serious with him. If it’s changed why were you not involved given he lives in your house?

I hope he is paying his way in your house. Similar to my ex, my home, welcomed him and his kids and was expected to not say if I wasn’t happy. Erm no, my house my rules. He did however pay.

you did not choose to have the kids, he did. That’s a sacrifice he decided to make, not you. Choosing to be with a man with kids will of course require you to make sacrifices, your home being an example but hell no you should not be expected to schedule your life around his kids. Do your own thing when you want to do it and if doesn’t like it tell him tough, I am child free by choice. I made this choice so I have the freedom to do what I want when I want. You sacrificed that. I am not and I will not, sacrifice my life for children I did not choose to have. I am happy to be around if I choose or if I am free but you will not dictate my time to me anymore. If this is not something you can respect, it would be time to call this a day because I absolutely will not back down on this.

it may seem all lovely now and he’s amazing but ask yourself honestly, if he pressurises you into being a smaller person will your love not quickly turn to anger and resentment that he stole your freedom ?

A few posted have suggested setting a routine for when you will do family time but I think that's an awful idea. I wouldn't want to be tied down to fixed times. What if you were out riding your horses and having a great time then realized you have to get back for someone else's kids. You will end up really frustrated. It's much better to spend time with his kids when you want to not when you feel obliged too.

There's no reason you can't be a fun and loving person in their lives without feeling the need to be responsible for them.

What is it about this controlling cocklodger that makes you love him?

Parents who split up families are selfish in your mind. Exactly how is that different to parents who leave a relationship?

I wonder if selling it as when you were little you would have wanted time alone with your dad without his partner (as you mentioned your parents weren't together when you were younger) and you wouldn't want to deprive the children of that

Spin it so it's for them and it takes away his argument of you don't love them - in all honesty I have to wonder does he want you there all the time because you do a lot of the work with them

Being maternal doesn't mean being a martyr. In fact, I think it makes you a happier parent if you have your own identity, interests and life away from your kids.

OMG just read that you pay for everything and he makes a small contribution from time to time.

WTF!!!

OP you’re being taken for a complete ride. He may be a lovely guy but he’s pushing you into a role you never agreed to.

Youve given and given and given, time, effort, your house, food, bills, EVERYTHING and yet he still wants more, wants you do to surrogate mum. And then when you say no, actually, I want to be allowed to have a life of my own, he tells you you’re wrong???

This would make me really angry.

He’s got his life just as he wants it but when you want to have your life as you want it “you’re wrong”??

WHY?

Because his needs trump yours??

WHY?

You adore him?

WHY?

He sounds like a nice man to his kids but a waste of space for you. What does he actually offer you?

Anything you want at all??

Hes told you how things are, and now you must accept his version of a good life.

Fuck that OP.

Send him back to his parents, he is not worthy of your love.

Hes selfish. It might not look like it on the outside but he is selfish regarding your needs and feelings. He’s prioritised everyone’s feelings and needs but yours.

He needs to wake up and not bite the hand that literally feeds him.

There is no way in hell I would accept this.

I'm not the one not making any sense...

You need to call his bluff on a few things, OP.

Just having his kids weekends isn’t on. Their mum doesn’t get “fun” time them, he gets to Disney Dad, and it impinges too much on your life together. If he’d love to have his kids full time, etc etc etc then he needs to sort out wraparound care of some sort and start having them in the week as well.

You're not a unit. He wants you to be 50:50 on the parenting/childcare, but pretty much 0:100 on other stuff (finances). Most couples who are parents work out some sort of split that takes in work outside the home, contribution to family finances, etc and allows time for personal hobbies. So if he wants you to do more childcare (even if that’s alongside him) you need more involvement from him on other stuff too (work, finances, house/life admin).

And, a slightly separate point, most kids LOVE horses. Suggest that they and DP come along for a bit. A family hobby! They can help muck out and groom and stuff, then they can have daddy&DC time when you have a ride. Meet back home for the next meal. See how he reacts to that…

Oh my fucking god @WillLiveLife

Are you joking?

Words fail me.

Yes, the parent's'. With an s, there's 2 of them of which your husband is one. A total deadbeat one by the sounds of things.

@WillLiveLife

so if there is infidelity for example are you just supposed to suck it up and stay with your cheating spouse rather than “split up the family”?