I do not want to share finances or buy a house with him in these circumstances

[MsJacksonIfYoureNasty]

I have been with my husband for 15 years, married for ten. He has a daughter who is almost 22. I have a son who is 19.

We (me and husband) live in a rented house and the tenancy is in my sole name. We have never had shared finances. I am now 50 and he is 56.

We are considering buying a house together.

My step-daughter has recently graduated. She lives in a rented flat on her own. I have recently found out that she has not worked in any paid employment for at least eight months. She used to work part time in a chip shop to earn money in term time and then she’d work longer hours in the holidays to bank money. I knew DH was giving her £400 per month to supplement her income. Obviously this was no problem as it does not affect me. She also got a maintenance grant that more or less covered her rent on the flat.

Because we are applying for a mortgage he has given me bank statements to send to the mortgage advisor.

He has given his daughter £7.5K last month and £8K two months ago. He is not a massively high earner but he saves a lot of money because our rent is low and bills are reasonable.

He says he wants to put down the smallest deposit possible. I now think this is because he is, and has been, paying for everything for his daughter for months. He has never mentioned this to me ever. He didn’t even mention she was no longer working.

In theory he can do what he wants with his money. But if we are buying a house together with a massive mortgage I need to know we can afford it. And I don’t think we can afford it if he’s paying for another household in its entirety.

Apparently she has been offered a job but it doesn’t start for 12 weeks. I asked him how she was going to support herself and he said he didn’t know. He said she has ‘savings’.

For further info my DS and his GF have just bought a house together (5% deposit/40 year term) and I gave him £1400 towards the deposit. The house cost £160k. We are in the East Midlands.

Sorry, that was long. Am I right to be worried about the financial situation and should I buy a house with him in these circumstances?

There's no honesty is there. That's the issue here.

I'd be very, very wary at this point.

Yep, that’s what I’m worried about too. I don’t have any issue with him supporting his daughter. I do worry that he would be overextending himself financially if we take on a huge mortgage and he’s also paying rent/bills/food/clothes/car costs for his DD. And the fact that he’s basically lying about it bothers me.

You can't buy a house with someone that lies so openly to your face.

Take it off the table.

Three things:

He lies.

He is supporting a scrounger.

His daughter will always come first.

I would love to own a home again but not at the expense of my security. I used to own with my ex-husband but couldn’t buy on my own when we divorced. I hate renting but I know that if DH fucked off I could afford this house on my own. I don’t want a joint mortgage with someone who can’t be honest about money.

Do not tie yourself financially to a mortgage with him… you should be a team, there should be transparency around finances. Not only no transparency he has evaded and lied.

@PaminaMozart Agreed. I just can’t believe how much money he’s given her recently. And he’s never said a word.

I agree you shouldn't buy a house with him. The issue is, unless you divorce him you're stuck renting. As even if you buy in your name only, it would be a marital asset.

He has given his daughter £7.5K last month and £8K two months ago.

What on earth is she spending this amount of money on? That's staggering.

Sadly, it's a bloody shame you legally married him. He has proven himself to be entirely untrustworthy. There is no way you can buy a house with him. Not now, and not ever.

No you can’t do it. He wants to contribute less because he’s been paying for his daughter. Not just paying - massive amounts! This isn’t a solid footing for joining financial arrangements. ‘You haven’t been honest about your finances and I can’t trust you to prioritise paying our joint obligations. I’d be screwed if we were short because your daughter asked you for money. There’s only one way to make sure I’m not in that situation- not buying with you.

I’m not concerned about potentially divorcing again. I’ve done it once, with a small baby on that occasion, and survived ok on my salary. I am concerned about buying a house with someone who isn’t being honest about the level of financial support he’s giving his daughter. That potentially puts me in a place where I don’t have a secure home.

I know that you are all correct and I agree 100%. I’m genuinely not bothered about him supporting his daughter but when it starts to involve me I would have expected him to be honest. And he hasn’t been.

If I were you, I would divorce him and buy my own home. It's a sorry state of affairs but you have got to put yourself first. I completely understand your husband helping his daughter, but the extent of it is unbelievable, and he's deliberately kept you in the dark about it. That is totally unacceptable.

He also bought her a car last November. That was £9k. I did know about that though. He earns (takes home) £3400 per month. He gives me £850 per month for the household bills and I knew he was paying his DD £400 pcm. So he has been able to save over many years.

I am wondering if there are other issues going on here besides him funding his daughter. He gave her over £15k in just three months? That's insane and it doesn't even make sense. Is it possible he gambles?

The money was paid to her. So last month he made three payments to her. The reference on the £7k payment was ‘life’. He then sent a second payment of £500 and the reference was ‘clothes’. He also sent her the usual £400. The other £8k payment was also ‘life’. If she isn’t working at all he must be funding everything and has been for eight months. Her rent was mostly being covered by her maintenance grant but she has bills, a car, food etc. And she’s now left uni so no more maintenance grant.

I wouldn’t bother buying a house now full stop as by the time you finish paying you will be in your mid 70’s? Unless you do it over a shorter period but that’s obviously significant more and as you say, the amount he’s giving to his daughter could have paid a good whack of the deposit.

And I have copies of the bank statements now so he can’t really deny it. Which, if anyone is thinking this thread is nonsense, I can upload. Obviously with her personal info scrubbed out.

The money is not the problem. I only have an issue if his choices affect me and my security.

Yes, the mortgage is over 17 years. Or it would have been.

Your 19 year old has bought a house? Wow!

Firstly the lying.
Secondly if you are considering buying a house together, then being honest about income and spending matters.
Because you are subsidising his share of the new house purchase. You will have to pay more because of these large (and secret) sums he has been subsidising his daughter with. Your mortgage will cost more as a result.
This comes on top of his making substantial savings by living in the rented accomodation which is low rent and in your name, which should have allowed him to put more into the new joint house purchase.
Obviously, one would expect him to help his daughter if she's in need, but the sums do seem excessive and unsustainable... unless he is relying on your income to support him in this. But then he should have consulted you. He knew you wouldn't approve so he didn't.

What happens if his share of the new mortgage can't be met because he is still subsidising her to this extent, and you are over extended.

Just think what that 15500 would have been if added to the deposit he now wants to put down. She walked away with your security.

I would be angry in your shoes, but if I was in your H's shoes I'd want to support my daughter. Not saying his D isnt out of order but . . . rose tinted specs, etc.
But in the main I think there's rather too much financial conflict of interest here, I'd put the house buying on ice until you've had some frank & serious discussions.
If he wont discus it then no dice-you gotta play to win because he sure was!

Even if you wouldn’t question these payments to her the mortgage advisor would. At least ours questioned everything when it came to getting a real mortgage.
I wouldn’t buy a house with him and I would be very concerned about this situation. It’s quite a big sum of money, he knew you’re thinking of buying so basically looking at the serious financial commitment and he mentioned nothing.

Bu the way he could argue that he didn’t keep it secret as he gave you access to statements.

What did he say about giving over 15 grand to his daughter in 2 months? What was it for?
Even if it was for her to live on until her job starts, she doesn’t need that much. And he shouldn’t have said “he doesn’t know” what she’ll live on until then.
The daughter should be getting temporary work until her permanent job starts.
He hasn’t been open about where his money goes and he seems financially irresponsible. Buying a house with him would be very risky. After 15 years of marriage it really shouldn’t be.