I do not want to share finances or buy a house with him in these circumstances

[MsJacksonIfYoureNasty]

I have been with my husband for 15 years, married for ten. He has a daughter who is almost 22. I have a son who is 19.

We (me and husband) live in a rented house and the tenancy is in my sole name. We have never had shared finances. I am now 50 and he is 56.

We are considering buying a house together.

My step-daughter has recently graduated. She lives in a rented flat on her own. I have recently found out that she has not worked in any paid employment for at least eight months. She used to work part time in a chip shop to earn money in term time and then she’d work longer hours in the holidays to bank money. I knew DH was giving her £400 per month to supplement her income. Obviously this was no problem as it does not affect me. She also got a maintenance grant that more or less covered her rent on the flat.

Because we are applying for a mortgage he has given me bank statements to send to the mortgage advisor.

He has given his daughter £7.5K last month and £8K two months ago. He is not a massively high earner but he saves a lot of money because our rent is low and bills are reasonable.

He says he wants to put down the smallest deposit possible. I now think this is because he is, and has been, paying for everything for his daughter for months. He has never mentioned this to me ever. He didn’t even mention she was no longer working.

In theory he can do what he wants with his money. But if we are buying a house together with a massive mortgage I need to know we can afford it. And I don’t think we can afford it if he’s paying for another household in its entirety.

Apparently she has been offered a job but it doesn’t start for 12 weeks. I asked him how she was going to support herself and he said he didn’t know. He said she has ‘savings’.

For further info my DS and his GF have just bought a house together (5% deposit/40 year term) and I gave him £1400 towards the deposit. The house cost £160k. We are in the East Midlands.

Sorry, that was long. Am I right to be worried about the financial situation and should I buy a house with him in these circumstances?

OP these shady fuckers have sixth sense for when you're thinking of leaving. You need to develop "flu" or "elderly parent worries" or something to explain your change in demeanour and act like he's centre of the universe when he's around (like you probably did before without realising), go do coupley things like you usually would over summer. They know when your mind isn't on them.

He’s picked up on your unconscious behaviour or signals, that something is going on.

Agree you need to develop some kind of virus or migraine or something while you do more digging.

FWIW I don’t think he’s got some master plan to leave you, and I do think he intends to buy a house with you, but he’s definitely siphoning money away and financially securing himself and his daughter at your expense.

@lowflyingtitties he's made his DD dependent on him. Means he can control her. Threaten to take the money away. Have a say in how her life goes, by deciding what he will and won't pay for. I doubt he wants to stop giving her money really, it means he'll lose his control over her.

He might be all about control and he might just be an entitled arse. It’s dawned on him that he will have to contribute more to mortgage and deposit after so many years of living cheaply off of OP and family.

In his eyes, the “share all my worldly goods” applies to OP and not him - what’s his is his, what’s hers is at least half his - so why shouldn’t he give more money to his DD rather than putting it into their shared future home.

He’s still a massive twat but I wouldn’t call him abusive on the evidence so far.

And it’s not sinister he is picking up on OP’s distance - he’s lived with her for many years.

Surely the reason he wants to buy a house with you op is he knows that he's on to a good thing if he can get you to agree to it 🤷🏻‍♀️
in other words he knows that he is the one with the most to gain and he hopes that you won't realise that and call it off 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well done on booking that appointment!

Keep your powder dry and make your plans and decisions as calmly as possible once you have all the info

I have a feeling those investment accounts are going to be interesting...

I agree, some weird dynamic going on there. I'm interested in how the OP has viewed this over the years? She wrote herself of his manipulation around dsd's mother and dsd's relationship with her. Anyway, it seems she knows now what he's capable of, I hope she can get out of this relationship unscathed.

Easy tiger. She doesn’t work and is burning through money. He’s not securing his financial future except for his plan to lock the op into a house with him.

He's got multiple secret accounts the OP had no idea existed until now. Not really in the spirit of openness and honesty in a marriage is it?

I’ve deliberately chosen a solicitor who acted for my friend in her divorce. She’s (the solicitor) supposed to be very, very good and knows her stuff. It’s only a telephone appointment for now but I’m looking forward to getting some legal advice about where to start with all this.

This ^
Also. When I read that, thinking of the large sums he's given his DD I did wonder if he was working on exactly the same plan.... and then could claim 50% of your savings in a divorce.

He’s transferring money into his daughters name, most likely for her to look after it for him so the OP can have no claim on it.

I agree with PP, OP you should do the same. If you’re planning to divorce him, ask your son to mind some of your money in an account in his name and mark it as ‘life’ on the bank transfer.

Tbh you're married now so legally your finances are joined whether you behave in that way or not, you should have sorted all this out before you got married tbh 🤷‍♀️

Yeah OP. Why didn't you have a crystal ball when you married him to see that he'd turn out to be a secretive liar.

Seriously, what a silly comment 🙄

Yes I would divorce him op , best of luck

This. What's good for the goose is sauce for the gander.

String the house buying along until you are clear in your position & have more information.

How are you @MsJacksonIfYoureNasty this thread came up and i wondered how you were getting on with things

Not sure why he would need to tell u if u don't share finances?

Unfortunately we are still living in my house together. Atmosphere is horrible but as he has decided to purchase a shared ownership property on his own he should be moving out in the next couple of weeks. More or less as soon as we had pulled out of the purchase of the house, and I said I wanted a divorce, he reserved a shared ownership house in the next town over from where we live. I think he's mad because, at his age, the mortgage and rent come to almost £1500.00 per month. However, it's his choice. I suppose it's either buy that place or privately rent into retirement.

When he is gone I am going to decide what I want to do. I am a bit younger than him so I could potentially buy a small flat or a shared ownership house once the divorce is finalised. Equally I don't want to privately rent into retirement either.

Wow. He's shameless isn't he. Are you planning to challenge him legally on hiding assets?

How can he even start buying a house when you need to divide all assets?!

He could end up having to sell it to pay you

Hope your solicitor is thorough, and gets this divorce through fast!!

Light at the end of the tunnel though OP and a new start for you

I think (although I do not have actual figures) that he is putting down 5% of the share he is buying, which works out at around £4k. To be honest, at this point, I just want him to move out. The atmosphere in the house is making me very stressed and anxious.

Been following along....
Best of luck, hope it all goes as well as it can for you