I do not want to share finances or buy a house with him in these circumstances

[MsJacksonIfYoureNasty]

I have been with my husband for 15 years, married for ten. He has a daughter who is almost 22. I have a son who is 19.

We (me and husband) live in a rented house and the tenancy is in my sole name. We have never had shared finances. I am now 50 and he is 56.

We are considering buying a house together.

My step-daughter has recently graduated. She lives in a rented flat on her own. I have recently found out that she has not worked in any paid employment for at least eight months. She used to work part time in a chip shop to earn money in term time and then she’d work longer hours in the holidays to bank money. I knew DH was giving her £400 per month to supplement her income. Obviously this was no problem as it does not affect me. She also got a maintenance grant that more or less covered her rent on the flat.

Because we are applying for a mortgage he has given me bank statements to send to the mortgage advisor.

He has given his daughter £7.5K last month and £8K two months ago. He is not a massively high earner but he saves a lot of money because our rent is low and bills are reasonable.

He says he wants to put down the smallest deposit possible. I now think this is because he is, and has been, paying for everything for his daughter for months. He has never mentioned this to me ever. He didn’t even mention she was no longer working.

In theory he can do what he wants with his money. But if we are buying a house together with a massive mortgage I need to know we can afford it. And I don’t think we can afford it if he’s paying for another household in its entirety.

Apparently she has been offered a job but it doesn’t start for 12 weeks. I asked him how she was going to support herself and he said he didn’t know. He said she has ‘savings’.

For further info my DS and his GF have just bought a house together (5% deposit/40 year term) and I gave him £1400 towards the deposit. The house cost £160k. We are in the East Midlands.

Sorry, that was long. Am I right to be worried about the financial situation and should I buy a house with him in these circumstances?

@MsJacksonIfYoureNasty - tell him the mortgage advisor has also asked about all the investment payments a where they have gone, will there be more, total savings etc.

He will probably shit himself at the thought you now have all this info - in a way going for a mortgage has done you a favour as you would never have found out otherwise!

I second to go snooping and find as much as you can re investments, savings, pensions. He will be forced to declare it for a divorce, but useful to know in advance

This could be a real turning point for you

I don't think he even thought about this aspect of things, the fact that I would see these payments. Maybe he thought I wouldn't read them but just forward them on to the mortgage broker. Wrong.

The next time he is out I am searching the house.

The statements are now saved to my work PC, having emailed them to myself. He can't access that as I don't work from home and I don't have my work emails on any personal devices. The statements are saved locally to my work PC.

Overt or covert, abuse is still abuse. Since when has manipulation ever been used for good in a romantic relationship?

The mental gymnastics you're performing on this thread, trying to work out a way to have a conversation without him either avoiding the topic up for discussion altogether or turning nasty, shows you're used to being emotionally abused. You'd have had no need to develop those skills otherwise and no need to deploy them against him. You'd instead be able to just, you know, ask him about it with zero fear of repercussions.

I agree, his reaction will be interesting. If you don't know what DARVO is or the cycle of abuse, Google them. I have a feeling you'll be seeing a full-on version of both pretty soon.

Buy your own home, just for you.

I can apply online for divorce (the mechanics of this) and then instruct a solicitor to handle the legal side of things/consent order. Does that sound right? I am going to have an hour with a family solicitor and they have said the cost, for the consultation, will be £300 plus VAT

Yes, this sounds right.

But do your homework, @MsJacksonIfYoureNasty - because costs can add up quickly. Use the resources I mentioned in one of my PPs and educate yourself about the minutiae of the whole process. Ask questions at the Wikivorce forum and/or the Divorce forum on Mumsnet.

I did the same, also in the East Midlands.

@MsJacksonIfYoureNasty the problem is, if he cannot afford to give the full half of the mortgage payment for a month or more due to giving his dd money, you would need to make it up otherwise you will get behind and may end up defaulting on the mortgage. That will mean that you are in fact subsidising his daughter and he would still be entitled to half the profit when the house is sold. If you both default on the mortgage due to him not paying his share, it will ruin your own credit rating.
Please protect yourself and don’t buy a house with this man.

I would be furious that he wanted to put the smallest possible deposit down so he could continue to bankroll his 22 year old. Agree with you @MsJacksonIfYoureNasty I would not be buying with him at all. The thing is, he has made it so he can't stop hasn't he? He's painted mum as less than because she can't afford to give what he does and therefore created a divide between them because his dd sees value in who will give her money, he's created the entire situation himself. Never mind keeping it all from you. The thing is, he looks like the typical disney dad but really, theres a lot of dysfunction going on there OP and tbh, you would be better off out of it.

He will be impoverishing his own retirement and financial security (and yours as if you stay together). He earns good money but it will take years to recoup if he goes on at this rate and he will be approaching a time when he wants to slow down soon.

This kind of financial support is usually reserved for multi multi millionaires who are completely disengaged from the real world. A friend of mine had her salary topped up to £100,000 in her first job after university 20+ years ago 😂. Her parents couldn’t fathom her living on less but didn’t want to be too generous!!!

I think you should raise it as a concern for his financial welfare. He knows you know now you’ve seen the statements.

Sorry this is happening to you.

Taking a day off to snoop sounds like a good idea. Are you sure there are no hidden cameras? Maybe unplug the WiFi...

@MsJacksonIfYoureNasty
You are not a 'right knob'!
You now have the upper hand, you can see what he's been up to and exactly what his game is. He doesn't know that.
If this was me I dont think I'd let on that I'm on to him. I'd play it very strategically and see what else I could find out. Even if only for my own amusement.

Re: the vetting. I got my job offer for police staff in the January and finally started my job in October. And that's with no issues!

This was also before Covid so not as short staffed and as cut to the bone like now. I know our vetting is taking forever atm.

What a slimy fucker he is. Glad you found this out before and not after the house OP!!

Exactly. He isn't just supporting her by giving her what she needs to live on (though needs isn't the right word anyway because she should have got a temporary job). He's giving her really large amounts of money. Nobody needs 15-16k in 2 months on top of what he already gives her. She already has a car.

He must be using his savings. And he's kept all of it quiet.

Thank goodness you have your head screwed on.

He is a lying sneaker fxxker.
Syphon off his money to his daughter, pay the smallest house deposit and lock you in.

He isn't thinking of you at all.
He is not your friend.
He hasn't got your back.

Treat him like the enemy he is.
Keep your cards close to your chest.
Tell friends what is going on so you have support.
Consider a lodger when you get rid of him, so you can keep saving.

Just a thought, is he planning to leave op, and squirrelling his money away, so it doesn’t become part of the estate?

Yes you are right to be worried. If he continues to bankroll his daughter to this extent, it will come at a cost to you if you have a mortgage, your finances are no longer separate really. If he decides not to pay the mortgage, you will have too and will effectively be subsidising his adult daughter. Just the fact that he ‘wants’ to pay a minimal deposit for a house purchase shows how useless he is. Does he not know how LTV and interest rates work?

He is dishonest and will end up relying on you. He also has fewer years working life than you. Buy a house on your own after you divorce him, if you don't want to end up with a dependent.

Did you speak to him last night? @MsJacksonIfYoureNasty

No I did not speak to him. The initial enquires our solicitor made with the seller's solicitors has raised a number of issues (rights of way in respect of neighbouring properties - it is an end of terrace and there is no file plan showing the extent of the rights of way) and it is doubtful that we would proceed with purchasing this house, even if I had not found out about the money he is giving to DSD.

But this is not the end of the matter. I have a telephone appointment booked with a family solicitor to discuss divorce, which I have arranged this morning, and the fact that he appears to be hiding assets.

Weirdly he said this morning that we were being 'distant' with each other. I am wondering now whether he has been planning on leaving anyway and has been transferring money to DSD, partly to give her money and partly to hide money.

However, this does not explain why he wants to buy a house with me. He was straight back on Rightmove yesterday evening looking at alternative properties.

I’m sorry it’s come to this after fifteen years, as it sounds like you had a good relationship before.

I’m now wondering whether he’s transferred the money, because he doesn’t want ‘his’ money in the family pot, but only yours. If you buy a house together, his savings would be wiped out and it becomes joint money.

I also wonder who’s initiated this. Is he ‘protecting his assets’ or has daughter complained that she’s ‘loosing her inheritance’ (now family money etc)?

I may be totally wrong though, but it’s good you’re smelling the roses and getting your ducks in a row.

I also think it’s quite fun virtually house hunting, so he’s either seriously still wants to buy, or just playing the game (to gaslight you), and who doesn’t enjoy fantasy house hunting.

Really glad to see you're in the driving seat now, OP.

Great that you are getting swift legal advice, as I agree you need to protect yourself financially (and emotionally). His behaviour is really, really weird and the opposite of what a good partner would do.

But this tells you everything you need to know about what the next 30 years with him will look like: He is very, very defensive over his DD and there must be no criticism of her at all, at any time, even if this is something very trivial.

Nothing will change. In fact it may get worse. I'd be off.

OP, no matter how careful you are, you are dealing with a shock and reality check.
You are probably unconsciously emitting a distant vibe.
You can't help it.
You can use excuses like not sleeping great, stress at work, etc.
But keep your cards close.

Also abusive men are very sensitive to the mood of their victims, that they try and control.
Just keep that in mind.
Prepare yourself for loads of excuses and denials etc.
The suggestion that he could be hiding money with his daughter so he keeps it from you if leaving, is a possibility.

Bottom line is he wants to commit as little as possible to you.
How convenient that he has enjoyed super low rent with you for years and does this.
He really is a sneaky fxxker.
I would check out what a lodger could bring in and see how that would help.
But getting him out of your home would be a priority.
I am so sorry for you. Such a nasty shock.