I do not want to share finances or buy a house with him in these circumstances

[MsJacksonIfYoureNasty]

I have been with my husband for 15 years, married for ten. He has a daughter who is almost 22. I have a son who is 19.

We (me and husband) live in a rented house and the tenancy is in my sole name. We have never had shared finances. I am now 50 and he is 56.

We are considering buying a house together.

My step-daughter has recently graduated. She lives in a rented flat on her own. I have recently found out that she has not worked in any paid employment for at least eight months. She used to work part time in a chip shop to earn money in term time and then she’d work longer hours in the holidays to bank money. I knew DH was giving her £400 per month to supplement her income. Obviously this was no problem as it does not affect me. She also got a maintenance grant that more or less covered her rent on the flat.

Because we are applying for a mortgage he has given me bank statements to send to the mortgage advisor.

He has given his daughter £7.5K last month and £8K two months ago. He is not a massively high earner but he saves a lot of money because our rent is low and bills are reasonable.

He says he wants to put down the smallest deposit possible. I now think this is because he is, and has been, paying for everything for his daughter for months. He has never mentioned this to me ever. He didn’t even mention she was no longer working.

In theory he can do what he wants with his money. But if we are buying a house together with a massive mortgage I need to know we can afford it. And I don’t think we can afford it if he’s paying for another household in its entirety.

Apparently she has been offered a job but it doesn’t start for 12 weeks. I asked him how she was going to support herself and he said he didn’t know. He said she has ‘savings’.

For further info my DS and his GF have just bought a house together (5% deposit/40 year term) and I gave him £1400 towards the deposit. The house cost £160k. We are in the East Midlands.

Sorry, that was long. Am I right to be worried about the financial situation and should I buy a house with him in these circumstances?

We didn't do it sooner because my husband had a crappy credit rating. It is better now so we are able to get a mortgage. My credit rating is rated as 'excellent' but I am not able to afford a house on my salary alone.

I just cannot understand why he is hiding this from me. Is it because he knows it's weird and over the top to give her so much money and he doesn't want to admit that to himself?

He is very, very defensive over his DD and there must be no criticism of her at all, at any time, even if this is something very trivial. He tells me that she has anxiety and he is worried about upsetting her but I did not think this extended to this level of financial assistance. I have asked a number of times about how she is going to support herself and he just shrugs, says he doesn't know and then says 'savings'.

When he say’s ‘savings’ he probably means his savings! She could at least try to get bar / retail / hospitality in the meantime. I despair on your behalf.

Yes, that is exactly what he means. She does not have any income from which to save money.

I really don't have the energy at the moment for a massive row. I have decided in my own mind that this will probably end in another divorce but in the meantime I am definitely not buying a house with someone who is financially supporting someone else. If he is still supporting her to this extent then it is likely that this will never end and I am not prepared to buy a house with him on that basis.

Good decision I think OP. Our eldest is back at home after dropping out of uni. Whilst at uni we were giving £300pcm as support. We are in the next few weeks going to talk about reducing that as now no bills to pay etc and to incentivise the search to a temporary job. Why take on a flat solo rather than a room in a house share? It must be because she knows dad will always pay! Is her mum still around and contributing too?

DSD's mum has not paid for anything since DSD moved out of her house and went to university. So DSD says anyway, I have no idea whether this is true or not.

Vetting in police can take more than three months, even for a civilian role. A friend’s child was quoted six months plus recently, so dp could be supporting his dc for a long time…

And what’s her plan B if she fails vetting? Is she actively looking for other jobs in the meanwhile?

I think by savings what he means is she intends to use his savings to cover everything and more. The very least she could be doing is to keep all her expenses as minimal as possible but it doesn't sound like she's doing that given how much he's given her.

If you have a secure tenancy in social housing (you mentioned it being secure and rent being low so I'm assuming) then no way would I give it up in these circs. I'd just stick any extra that you would have put into the mortgage into your pension/savings.

Even if she gets the job and all is well, what if later on she changes jobs and has a gap or gets pregnant or loses her job or whatever... The potential for him to start paying an extra household bills, handing over tens of thousands, buying new cars etc is always going to be there. If he bought her first car and her second, I wonder who will buy her third?!

The other difficulty, being married, is that if you split, it will likely be a 50/50 division of assets - pension, savings etc. If he spends all his extra money on his DD then it could leave you having to hand over more of your savings/pension in the event of divorce.

Can you buy it yourself now- in your name only?

Be aware she won’t last long in-this new job, and the cheapest way for her to live is back home with daddy.

what a muddle OP, I do feel for you

Have actually asked him about it yet?

I haven't mentioned it to him because I know he will react badly. I already know what I think about him giving her all of this money, so his response to anything I say to him about this is irrelevant. I cannot change what he has already done and no explanation for giving her these large sums of money is acceptable in my view. Then there's the lying about it, which makes it even worse.

I cannot afford to buy a house on my own but I could afford a small flat.

I am not in social housing but my rent is low because I rent from a close family member and have done for almost 19 years (from when I split with son's dad).

Six months for vetting? Oh my god....

To my knowledge, and I saw her at the weekend, she is not looking for any part-time work or applying for other jobs as she has been offered this one.

Well OP, what you CAN do is as MN always advises, see a solicitor, get all ducks in a row.

I know this is painful and difficult, but the sooner you start the split, the sooner you can secure your financial future. For example any money he gives away when proceedings have started can count as marital assets. He can't give everything away and claim he has nothing left to split (although, if you trust your son, two can play at that game)

Whatever you say it isn't a criticism on his DD is it? I mean HE has made the choice to do this, he could say no or do a budget and support her minimally but he chose to spend nearly 25K on her and HE also decided to not tell you about it.

Nearly every young adult child would be happy to be subsidised to this point so I don't blame her, she hasn't held a gun to his head.

Keep her out of it and just insist that it's the lying that has made you decide to not progress at this point.

My guess is that your husband has made a calculation (it may be an unconscious calculation) that you will compete with his daughter for his time/attention/money and that this will put him in a stronger position (in other words consolidate his standing as head of the household) because he'll be able to play you off against each other.
He assumed (probably unconsciously/implicitly) that you would fall in with him but instead you've gone right over his head and decided to call time on it all.
If this is how he behaves before he's got you properly locked down and trapped it's likely that he would get worse once you are financially tied to him.

He’s always paid a lot more than most fathers. Maintenance plus all extra cost, clothes, school trips, money for holidays, driving lessons, first car, second car.
surely they are all pretty standard things for a parent to provide, with the exception of second car.

it doesnt have to be a row, but it needs to be a conversation. After analysing the figures, you've realised you cannot afford to buy as a couple when he is supporting his daughter too. What was his plan moving forward.

Good decision not to do a joint mortgage.

He has organised you subsidising both of them - by stealth.

You live in a low rent property - instead of subsidising them - you could be investing in your own future.

No I am not blaming her. I think any young person of her age would take whatever they were offered! It is him who is not helping her to become a responsible adult by paying for everything (and lying to me about it...)

I appreciate what you are saying but you will have to trust me on this. It has been way more than many non-resident fathers pay for their children. I don't have an issue with the money he spends on her. He should support her. I just don't want him lying to me and potentially causing a financial headache for me if I buy a house with him. At the moment finances are separate. They will be even more separate shortly.

OP, look out for yourself here.

As the rent is from a family member, what happens if they want to sell the place?

I think for your own security, you need to start divorce proceedings and buy a flat (if that’s what you can afford) once done.

The fact he isn't parenting well if at all would give me the ick.

You could say that if he'd have come to you about his DDs problem and asked for help working out a budget for her then that would be respectful and you would have supported a mutual decision but he didn't.

He may well say that this is his daughter and it's none of your business but with that much money being siphoned off you would in some way be subsidising it.
Whether that's having to eventually share your pension because he didn't put enough away, smaller deposit for mortgage making the monthly payment more and at a higher rate.

He's made his choices but you get to make yours too.

OP my issue here is the amount of money he’s giving her each month.

DH takes home 3,400 and is giving his daughter more than double that. Why? He knows it doesn’t cost that much to live.

Curiosity would get the better of me. I’d need to know why he is supporting her to this extent. There’s a backstory to this.

My DD has also just graduated. She hadn't managed to find a graduate job yet so took a temporary job which pays her bed and board plus minimum wage over the summer. We've made it clear that she's always welcome to come back home and we will pay for the essentials, but any extras she will need to pay for herself. She's saving most of her income for now, which should hopefully see her through job hunting for a long term job.

We gave her a monthly allowance throughout university, and I gave her a few hundred to help her out with some final bills, and bought her a new rail card, but she has been financially responsible on the whole.

I can't understand what your SD is spending on? It's great that she has secured a job, but seems unlikely she will be earning £6-7k a month, which is what your DH is giving her currently!