I do not want to share finances or buy a house with him in these circumstances

[MsJacksonIfYoureNasty]

I have been with my husband for 15 years, married for ten. He has a daughter who is almost 22. I have a son who is 19.

We (me and husband) live in a rented house and the tenancy is in my sole name. We have never had shared finances. I am now 50 and he is 56.

We are considering buying a house together.

My step-daughter has recently graduated. She lives in a rented flat on her own. I have recently found out that she has not worked in any paid employment for at least eight months. She used to work part time in a chip shop to earn money in term time and then she’d work longer hours in the holidays to bank money. I knew DH was giving her £400 per month to supplement her income. Obviously this was no problem as it does not affect me. She also got a maintenance grant that more or less covered her rent on the flat.

Because we are applying for a mortgage he has given me bank statements to send to the mortgage advisor.

He has given his daughter £7.5K last month and £8K two months ago. He is not a massively high earner but he saves a lot of money because our rent is low and bills are reasonable.

He says he wants to put down the smallest deposit possible. I now think this is because he is, and has been, paying for everything for his daughter for months. He has never mentioned this to me ever. He didn’t even mention she was no longer working.

In theory he can do what he wants with his money. But if we are buying a house together with a massive mortgage I need to know we can afford it. And I don’t think we can afford it if he’s paying for another household in its entirety.

Apparently she has been offered a job but it doesn’t start for 12 weeks. I asked him how she was going to support herself and he said he didn’t know. He said she has ‘savings’.

For further info my DS and his GF have just bought a house together (5% deposit/40 year term) and I gave him £1400 towards the deposit. The house cost £160k. We are in the East Midlands.

Sorry, that was long. Am I right to be worried about the financial situation and should I buy a house with him in these circumstances?

I cannot get over your 19 year old and his GF taking on a 40 year mortgage. Mind blown.

Better to pay mortgage payments until mid 70s than pay rent forever.

That's a very British perspective and it really doesn't make sense. If OP has a secure low rent and would be paying significantly more on a mortgage for a similar home she's quite likely better off investing the saved money into another appreciating asset class. Yes the rent she's paying is "lost" money but so are interest payments (different from repayment of principal) on a mortgage and so are dividend payments she's not getting because her money goes into a house and not a stock market fund.

In an international perspective the measure to look at is the price to rent ratio, measuring how many annual rent payments are needed to buy an equivalent property. If this ratio cones out at 20 or above general advice would be to remain renting.

https://www.investopedia.com/terms/p/price-to-rent-ratio.asp

One thing you need to understand is this: you are married, so you're automatically financially tied to him.

If, for example, he spends all his savings on DSD, cashes in his pension and then runs up a pile of debts, whilst you save each month and have no debts - in the event of a divorce he's going to take half of everything you have. Including your savings, pension and any equity in the property you own. You could well be liable for half his debts too. I'd not be happy with his actions so far and would be considering divorce on those grounds.

If I stayed with him after divorce I'd want to be 100% financially no ties with him beyond him paying half the rent and bills whilst he's living with you. No joint account or credit card, no joint tenancy, no co-owned house together, no shared car, nothing.

Something is up. If DSD has to rely on DH for some reason why isn't she still working at the chip shop, claiming universal credit and living very frugally so as not to cause her DF any unnecessary hardship?

Everyone saying £15k, it's not, it's £24k in lump sums in under a year. Plus £500 one off and £400pcm. It's madness. This is not "supporting someone through a hard time". It's way in excess of that.
So what exactly is his game plan? Whatever it is, I wouldn't want any part of it. He knows you wouldn't either OP, that's why he didn't mention it. Is he planning on becoming a cocklodger himself? If you co-own a house you can't prevent him living there whilst waiting to sell it even if you split up and he refused to pay anything at all towards anything. If you'd only just bought it you might not be able to afford to sell it straight away so would be stuck with the situation.

I’d also like to hear more about the OP even though it’s not the point of the thread!

As for your husband, wow. That’s a LOT of fucking money but as you say, it hasn’t impacted you as you have separate finances. Unfortunately, I do think that this may carry on if you take on a mortgage. What happens if your step DD doesn’t really start a job in 12 weeks or what if she doesn’t like it? He’ll probably start funding her life once again.

Do not buy a house with him

Thank God you have seen these statements before you commit to a mortgage with him. He will give her his money - not you.

Why does she not move into your house (grim, i realize) or get a roommate if she can't support herself alone? This is absurd. He really has a blind spot.

Why? Good on them if they can!

DS and his GF put about £8k down as their deposit between them. Their income was enough to get a mortgage and the mortgage payments are less than rent payments in this area. For example a two bed house where we live is around £900pcm and they are paying just over £750 on their mortgage. To be honest I think they were mad to buy together but they have been in a relationship since DS was 16 (he’s 20 next month). He’s just finished an apprenticeship in a trade and she earns around £25k in her job. He also works at weekends to earn extra money. They do ok. It’s not what I would have expected him to do at 19 but it’s what they wanted. I’m just trying to be supportive.

As for this money to his daughter. We have never shared finances, so he could have been giving her even more money that I don’t know about. I have never questioned where his money goes because I’ve never needed to. Bills are paid in our house and he never really buys things for himself. In theory he has over £2k a month ‘free money’ from his salary to spend however he likes. If her monthly outgoings are say £1500 per month and I know he’s paying at least that for the next 12 weeks that’s another £6.5k! She earns nothing so the money has to come from somewhere…

There are many red flags here as other posters have said. It certainly doesn’t seem like a good idea to buy a house with him. But I would also want to know why such very large amounts have been given to his daughter. This seems beyond just supporting her. What is going on?

Divorce him and buy on your own.
He might be entitled to a share of your money though and your deposit will be even smaller.

The daughter probably had debts and could have been chased by collectors relentlessly. Hence her father paying them off. The credit that is easily given to students is ridiculous and leads the immature into horrible problems. You and DH need an 'all cards on the table' discussion before any joint mortgage. The daughter can't handle money and that problem is not going away just because she is no longer a student.

I’m definitely not buying a house with him in these circumstances. I don’t think he thought through giving me these statements. Or maybe he’s been giving her loads of money for so long it seems normal to him. He’s always paid a lot more than most fathers. Maintenance plus all extra cost, clothes, school trips, money for holidays, driving lessons, first car, second car. It’s never bothered me before but these sums are ridiculous.

And I know that he couldn’t afford it if he wasn’t living with me.

I thought the regular top up payments would slow down when she left uni but it’s worse than I ever thought possible and you’re right. He couldn’t just put a stop on the money now because she has no income and won’t have for at least another three months.

No way would I agree to house buying with him Op. He's never told you how much he's given his DD and he won't in the future. If your rents reasonable I'd stick with that rather than stretch yourself financially way into your retirement years

She could have an income though. There's nothing stopping her getting temporary work - any work - until her permanent job starts. That's what anyone else would do. I did that when I was younger and between jobs. If she isn't bothering because her father gives her huge amounts of money, he's an absolute fool. He's just given her over fifteen grand!

He’s given her a bloody fortune, as a previous poster calculated, 24k. I could live off just the two lump sums for a year, never mind 2/3 months. What the hell has she spent it on? Shame on her and more fool him.
Your son, btw, sounds amazing.
I think this would be a deal breaker for me, sorry op.

I could not agree more. I have always encouraged my son to work hard and earn money for himself. Of course I have helped out from time to time when needed and when they moved into the house (nearly two weeks ago) I helped them with some second hand furniture and did a big food shop for them. However they have to learn how to budget and if I am always giving them money how will they ever learn how to do this themselves? Obviously I also topped up their mortgage deposit as well but this was literally about £1400.

Yes, they are young to buy a house but they were going to rent together anyway. They had been living with his GF's parents since March so they have lived together before buying the house. They are a solid couple and whilst I would not have expected him to settle down so young it is their decision as they are adults.

I just can't balance this out in my mind to a situation where your child does not work at all and is fully funded by their parent with no necessity to find paid work. When does it stop?

Yes I’d worry that he has enabled a situation inwhich he will be responsible for a second house. If you are open about finances it’s very strange he’s not mentioned this before.

Can you afford the mortgage yourself?

Wow, £15k plus regular money plus five hundred (!!!) clothes. Don’t think I’ve ever spent five hundred pounds in one sitting before on clothes. Guess if it was a new wardrobe for new job, fair enough, but doesn’t seem like that

As others have said, that money would be a decent chunk for a deposit, even half of it. How much more could he have saved over the years for the deposit also.

Your dc (and partner) have more money sense than your dp and his daughter! You’ve taught your dc well!

I think, although I can't be certain, that to run the flat and car and buy clothes and food (not forgetting having a social life) that her monthly costs must be somewhere around £1500pcm. She has not worked at all for at least eight months. He paid £8k for the car last year. He has since given her around £16k in the last two months (that I know about, although there could be more)

, presumably to pay for everything until she finds a job.

She has applied for this job but the process involves lengthy checks (not police but working for police as a civilian) and so she won't be working for at least another three months. This is what I have been told. What I have not been told is how she is planning on paying for her life in the meantime. He says 'savings'. How many students do you know have enough savings to run a flat? Madness.

She doesn’t need to dip into savings when he’s just given her £16k. He’s being incredibly dishonest with you. He probably said that in an attempt to make it less obvious that she doesn’t need to work because he’s giving her large lump sums.
I personally would have told my daughter to get work for 3 months, but if he wanted to pay all her living expenses instead, he could have given her enough to live on. That’s way less that what he’s been giving her.
Either he just likes being Generous Dad, or she wheedles money out of him.

Normally I’d totally agree but it’s weighing up the financial benefits. It’s the price of the repairs and upkeep as well.

I’m wondering why the didn’t do it sooner as the DH clearly had loads of savings.