Contact whilst we are on holiday with SDC

[Abby85]

This is unfortunately an area of tension between DP and I. This is not about me not wanting contact it’s about it being appropriate

DP and ex share their DC (55/45 to DP I think)

DP is rarely contacted when the DC are at mums house. DP doesn’t call them as he knows they are ok and busy living their life.

DP is contacted by mum every single day he has them, usually during breakfast when he is trying to get them ready for school and it’s often a video call. There is a lot of fighting that occurs between the DC during these calls and DP finds them disruptive and awkward (kids running around with a camera on while he is in his pants) and they make them late but he doesn’t want to not let them have contact. Sometimes he doesn't pick up if he doesn’t have time but the DC see/hear the phone so he usually has to answer it. I have usually left for work by this point.

when we are away on holiday she will call and text constantly expecting video calls. I was in a towel and came out of the bathroom during one call to find them in our room on a video call (fighting and crying) and I was very cross with DP that I had no warning and it was intrusive. Or we will be at a meal and eating.

I’ve asked DP to speak to ex about scheduling approximate times to video call on our upcoming holiday and then he can arrange for this time to be appropriate for everyone (and I can leave if I want to) but he doesn’t like doing this kind of thing. I’ve said it’s important to me - it’s my trip too, and it feels invasive. I am prepared to fall out with him if he answers a video call at an inappropriate time again tbh. Am I unreasonable about this expectation?

I don’t allow video calls in my home, for privacy for all people there. They aren’t compulsory! Couldn’t your DP simply start having voice-calls only, even if nothing else?

do you have children with him?

anyone try and get involved in my co parenting relationship with my children’s father would get short shrift from me 🤷

No we don’t have children together. I am not asking for anyone not to call to speak to their own children. I am asking for a video call to be scheduled when adults have the chance to be appropriately dressed or not when we are eating out and there is crying and fighting in a restaurant or we are trying to leave the house to be somewhere at a set time.

It is DP I am annoyed by not the mother. Obviously DP has never told her it’s an issue so she thinks it’s fine so carries on

all you have to say is ‘hey we will give you a call later on at 2pm’ or something like that

You're not unreasonable to ask for a bit of consideration for your privacy.
Do the kids enjoy this level of contact from Mum? If they do and your DP is unfussed then it's a you problem.
Not unreasonable to say no video calls in your bedroom though. During meals out is not on though - call back later.

So if he doesn’t, which is highly likely, what’s your plan?

@Beamur it upsets the younger one. The older one always snatches the phone off the younger one which causes the fights and talks over the younger one. DP doesn’t really manage the calls very well either. Mum just sits and watches them fighting on video repeating ‘I love you guys!’ The whole thing is weird

Thing is it won’t be long before the DC have their own phones do you think I want this level of intrusion, it really makes me uncomfortable and feel exposed and just overall yuk

The whole thing is weird

but that is how their family dynamic operates

How long have you been together?

I think totally fine to have some rules like no video calls upstairs and not during meals. You need your partner to be on board though.

Yanbu. I don't allow video calls in my house because it's prying, like peering in someone's window. DS also finds them tedious and forced.

I'd tell the ex that dcs are available for video calls between 5.30 & 6.30pm and then I'd just switch my phone off. Holidays are for down time.

Likewise at home. Problem solved.

That sounds a bit crap really!
Tricky - I'm a step mum too but mine are adults now.
If I were you, I'd take the tack that this isn't great for the kids. It's nice that they can touch base with Mum but it's actually causing upset and angst - especially for the little one. Maybe put it back to him to think of how the kids could have a calmer more positive interaction while they're away? He needs to be a bit less passive.
Personally I would say no calls in my room. Mealtimes and busy times are protected time - ideally he has this conversation with his ex and the children speak to Mum separately and he supervises the behaviour more closely until they're older and can do it without fighting.

Firstly it’s between him and her
Secondly It’s what is best for kids that is important
Thirdly it’s up to him to be a parent and manage the situ eg repeated phone snatching should be dealt with and
disci

All your DP needs to do is simply say to the ex 'before video calling can you pop me a text just saying the kids would like to call in 10 minutes or so' and that give your ex a chance to say ' no problem' or ' actually just in the middle of dinner I will call the kids in half hour'

*that gives your DP a chance that should say

I empathise as I have the same situation in our house .

stepdaughters mom Even tried video calling on the day of our wedding , which I felt was just an attempt to be nosey at what the wedding was like .

stepdaughter is 13 and has her own phone now so not much we can do about it . Her mom rang most days while we were abroad last year . If husband does try and call his daughter when she's with mom , she rarely picks the phone up .

this is all I am asking for. I have asked him recently if he has broached this yet. He hasn’t and I don’t think he will which I am upset about.

@Potentialmadcatlady I’m sorry but this is my holiday as well as theirs and I am asking my partner not to expose me half naked on video camera. Her husband is often on the call too and I don’t know either of them this intimately to feel comfortable. This isn’t about whatever is between them 2 with parenting. He is my partner and this is what I expect from him. She is not on our holiday we paid for this jointly and I have a right to ask not to be put into a position that makes me feel uncomfortable

they can video call at any other time as many times as they like

I know for me & my ex it's him who wanted video calls I set a schedule (our court order didn't have anything about them at all) I asked for them to be on Tuesday & Thursday before 6,I had reasons for the timings etc but I was open to changing day but time not so much as after 6 would be too disruptive to my night routine with them, my kids were only 5 & almost 3 though,& the kids had to stay in the living room, no wandering around. Dad got a bit pissy saying I was trying to control him,order him about, he pushed against it & would ring at odd times ( I was busy & couldn't answer so I'd get abusive messages) , he'd ring at 5 59 & say oh it's before 6 etc but they eventually tapered out as the kids weren't interested & honestly he just couldn't be bothered. He has them 1 night a week so I don't need to call as I see them less than 24 hours after they go & Christmas & Easter it's 3 days, I'll message him to see how they are but for me I feel video calls would be very upsetting for my kids whilst there so I don't do it or ask as I know they would want to come home if they saw me & I try to encourage them to see dad (even if I can't stand him & he's shit)

Messed that up!
last bit should read disciplined
My ex tried this nonsense repeatedly.
Judge ordered two phone calls a day ( not video), a quick good morning call and a longer chat about day call at 6.30pm.
I stuck to it and a routine was quickly established so the other nonsense stopped- Judge told me to either turn phone off or just not answer rest of day and that worked.
Funnily enough I didn’t get the same respect back and my ex never let kids talk to me when they were with him. That backfired on him when they got their own phones and when they voted with their feet to not stay with him and his controlling nonsense

Is this about speaking to her kids, or is this some shitty power play by the ex, just wanting to make her presence constantly felt and deliberate getting the kids in a fighting state for you and DP to deal with.

@Abby85

Your are in the right your just asking for a little heads up there's nothing wrong with that. This is on DP to put his big girl pants on a calmly say to the ex to simply text before video calling.

In a morning he needs to put the phone on silent and in a bag/upside down etc. it's intrusive when the house is getting ready.
On holiday it just needs to stop, he is their parent and they don't need to talk to mum every day. I don't with my two and it's never caused any issues.
My sd and dds knew never to do video calls with the parent in the house and the same respect went the other way.

Yanbu at all, your dh needs to nip this in the bud, no video calls, no calls before school and not on holiday. I'd be cross at that level of intrusion and especially were I wrapped in a towel.

I think parents watching their DC fight over a phone is soo wrong on soo many levels.

I would raise the issue with DP: the privacy, the fighting, the inappropriate time, the whole lot! Find a solution that works for everyone and stops the fighting.

Yeah she does want to speak to them. I don’t want to be disrespectful about her as this won’t help the situation as I am already at the bottom of the pecking order, but the calls are for her not for the kids. The calls make her feel better, even if they are a disaster she won’t end the call, it goes on until DP can’t stand it anymore or the fighting has got too much and he has to end them. They don’t talk about much on the call but they are not quick calls. The DC do engage but then lose interest but she doesn’t end the call when this happens. I have wondered if she kind of likes them fighting over her

She left DP and was low contact for some time. We have been together a long time, 5 years.

I'm step mum of now adult DSC, I would not have wanted this either and would absolutely have expected some boundaries around this to agreed. The reason my relationship has worked is because my DH and I worked together to think through what boundaries worked for us as a couple as well as thinking about what the children needed. Being a SM is a tough gig at the best of times (and I say that as someone who adores the bones of my 3 DSC) but I would say it is pretty impossible to sustain if you and your DP can't get on the same page about basic expectations.

Why can't your partner simply mute his phone during busy times, meals and when it is not appropriate to receive calls if he doesn't have the balls to tell his ex to respect boundaries? Use a phone case so children can't see calls.

It's not difficult to control, what it boils down to is he doesn't respect you. There's no reason he can't establish a set time frame each day for mum to call, especially when you're on holiday and won't be able to video call while doing activities.

This!