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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DSD's Mum at our wedding??

152 replies

dipdina · 21/06/2024 17:15

My fiance and I got engaged this year — we aren't at the planning stage yet but we're chatting about having a small wedding. Family only.

He's voiced that DSD's Mum would need to be invited. I'm glad that they have the good cooparenting relationship that they do, but Mum and I have a strained relationship and have done for a few years. She has been caught trying to break us up a few times and can be a quite negative about me to DSD. I decided enough was enough a couple of years ago and have stopped trying to forge a good relationship with her myself. I keep out of things and don't speak to her other than niceties when we are in passing.

I understand that my big day isn't really just about me as I'm marrying into a family, I really don't think I'd manage to relax or enjoy it if she was there.

Honestly, I thought he was joking when he said it and I said something along the lines of "Oh don't stress me out, that's not funny, no thank you." Turns out he was serious and although he doesn't want her to attend for himself, he doesn't want her to be not allowed to come as she's the mother of his child.

Personally, I don't see why she'd want to come other than to cause trouble as I don't really trust her. None of this is official yet, so I still have an opportunity to speak to him about it once I've managed to decide how I'm feeling.

OP posts:
Trinity69 · 21/06/2024 17:17

That would be a no from me I’m afraid. This is a new start for you and him, DSD will obviously be involved in your new life but having the ex there would not work for me.

RealityPrinciple · 21/06/2024 17:18

Well, how old is your stepson? Does someone need to be there to look after him at the wedding other than his father?

Mrsjayy · 21/06/2024 17:18

Nah that's absolutely ridiculous I wouldn't want to marry a man who wanted to invite his ex wife that's narcissistic bollocks.

WhatNoRaisins · 21/06/2024 17:18

I don't think it's inherently wrong to have an ex at a wedding but in this case it sounds like a bad idea.

Beautifulbythebay · 21/06/2024 17:19

If he is really putting her feelings above yours maybe give him the ring back.

TheCultureHusks · 21/06/2024 17:19

Wow. No.

If he can’t understand why I’d honestly stop the wedding plans.

I’m half minded to say even the suggestion coming from him would be enough to make me reconsider. It’s so batshit that it doesn’t bode well for him understanding the value of good boundaries and your right to have your space respected, so to speak.

Mrsjayy · 21/06/2024 17:20

You are going on you don't trust her blah blah it's him that thinks it is him that wants her there!

mummyuptheriver · 21/06/2024 17:21

No, this isn’t appropriate unless you happened to get on well, which you clearly don’t. Can’t aunties and grandparents take responsibility for getting her ready and supporting her (alongside dad).

Auntieobem · 21/06/2024 17:21

That is madness! Of course she shouldn't be there. He's daft for asking and she's even worse if she'd consider coming!

DelphiniumBlue · 21/06/2024 17:22

I'd say it's not appropriate unless you all really good friends. Get a nanny for the day if DSD wants to come and needs to be looked after ( though isn't that what grandparents are for?) How old is DSD? Not that it makes any difference to my answer, I can't see why an ex would be invited, or want to attend, come to that. Is your fiancee trying to rub her nose in it?

EmilyGilmoreenergy · 21/06/2024 17:24

I completely second @TheCultureHusks

Ereyraa · 21/06/2024 17:24

Errr, hard no. DSC’s mum expressed an interest in coming to ours to ‘help with the kids’

Thankfully DH shot that down.

I wouldn’t be standing for this, tbh if he thinks ‘she’s the mother of my children so she’s more important than you’ then I wouldn’t be getting married at all.

Original poster
dipdina · 21/06/2024 17:24

DSD is 7. She gets a little sad that we don't do things all together like we did when she was really little. So I think he's concerned about DSD's feelings, not Mum's.

I did mention that Aunties would be there to look after her, I don't think his worry was lack of childcare.

OP posts:
TooLateForRoses · 21/06/2024 17:25

He's voiced that DSD's Mum would need to be invited. I wouldn't marry him

Ereyraa · 21/06/2024 17:26

dipdina · 21/06/2024 17:24

DSD is 7. She gets a little sad that we don't do things all together like we did when she was really little. So I think he's concerned about DSD's feelings, not Mum's.

I did mention that Aunties would be there to look after her, I don't think his worry was lack of childcare.

This is the issue in blended situations when everyone pretends to be friends and hangs out together at the start. DC are better with clear boundaries from the beginning

Arlanymor · 21/06/2024 17:27

Is her invitation purely as a guest or will she have to perform a parenting role on the day/night - e.g. so that you and your fiancé can let your hair down and have a drink or two and she can be the responsible adult? If this is the case then maybe just inviting her to the evening part could be a good compromise.

If she’s not got a role and has tried to break you up in the past then I can’t see why she would want to come to your nuptials to be honest, she’d probably see it as rubbing her face in a bit. That’s the angle I would make clear to your fiancé, that actually inviting her could be seen as almost a bit snide.

And of course, the other key point is does DSD need/want her there?

PandaRice · 21/06/2024 17:28

Absolutely no chance in hell.
I wouldn’t have allowed it even if my dh wanted to invite her.
The fact he has even serious is a joke.

Id rather have no step children there if it was a choice between stepchildren and mum or no SC.

Original poster
dipdina · 21/06/2024 17:28

Ereyraa · 21/06/2024 17:26

This is the issue in blended situations when everyone pretends to be friends and hangs out together at the start. DC are better with clear boundaries from the beginning

Show quote history

I think we'd still be doing it if Mum hadn't behaved the way she did.

We were invited to her house on boxing day but that was a hard no from me. I don't know if she's genuinely trying or just knows I will decline and likes to be able to say she tried.

OP posts:
LadyHavelockVetinari · 21/06/2024 17:29

Personally I think it's a good idea. She will always be his family.

Meadowfinch · 21/06/2024 17:29

RealityPrinciple · 21/06/2024 17:18

Well, how old is your stepson? Does someone need to be there to look after him at the wedding other than his father?

You'll be very busy on the day and will have little time for dsd. Having her mum there will mean she is safe and attended to, which means you can concentrate on your guests. So there is a benefit.

But if she's likely to try to sabotage the day, a devoted auntie would be a better option.

TinyYellow · 21/06/2024 17:30

After my wedding, my ex mentioned that he would have liked to be there. I thought it was weird at the time and it had never occurred to me to invite him, but thinking about it later I probably should have done and I kind of regret that I didn’t. I’d be upset to be excluded from a big day in my children’s lives when they were all dressed up and excited and he’d have helped look after them which would have made things easier, mostly for my mum. Most importantly, it would have been nice for my children too.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/06/2024 17:30

No that’s mad and a deal breaker. My parents and step mum get on incredibly well, we all spend Christmas together close, and she was at an engagement party but not their wedding.

Tell him not to be so daft and make it clear you’re not marrying anyone who puts his ex’s feelings above yours.

How did she try to break you up? How sure are you that’s what happened as opposed to something he led you to believe?

Mrsjayy · 21/06/2024 17:31

dipdina · 21/06/2024 17:24

DSD is 7. She gets a little sad that we don't do things all together like we did when she was really little. So I think he's concerned about DSD's feelings, not Mum's.

I did mention that Aunties would be there to look after her, I don't think his worry was lack of childcare.

It's all too ridiculous of course she is sad her mum.and dad don't live together her mum being at the wedding isn't going to change that. They can co parent without pretending you are 1 giant happy family,

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/06/2024 17:31

TinyYellow · 21/06/2024 17:30

After my wedding, my ex mentioned that he would have liked to be there. I thought it was weird at the time and it had never occurred to me to invite him, but thinking about it later I probably should have done and I kind of regret that I didn’t. I’d be upset to be excluded from a big day in my children’s lives when they were all dressed up and excited and he’d have helped look after them which would have made things easier, mostly for my mum. Most importantly, it would have been nice for my children too.

How would your husband have felt?

PandaRice · 21/06/2024 17:31

LadyHavelockVetinari · 21/06/2024 17:29

Personally I think it's a good idea. She will always be his family.

No she isn’t. His daughter is his family. The ex is just that. 😂

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