Husband being dramatic over holiday

[Pluddy67]

I recently went away with a friend abroad.

I purchased my 2yo a small gift whilst there and also rang to speak to her every day. I also bought my sister a gift as she helped a couple of the days collecting from nursery when H wasn't home yet.

Husband made comments when I got back about it being unreasonable that I hadn't bought something for DSS. He also mentioned the fact I never even asked to speak to DSS or say hello when I facetimed our DD.

I think he's being silly and a bit dramatic. Especially re the facetime thing. Of course I missed our DD and wanted to see her. It may sound awful but I didn't think about DSS once and certainly didn't miss him, why would I be desperate to say hello to him?

DSS is 11 for reference.

I suppose the thing that I find sad is that you think your SS won’t notice or care. He probably will and will continue to notice the difference in how he’s treated from his sister by you. I get your point of that you don’t miss him like you miss your two year old but you are the adult here and should really be making the effort to make him feel completely included in your family.

You don't own the objective truth about what is 'minor'.

If your partner is hurt that you were mean and thoughless, that's his truth. Attempting to steamroller over it just adds another insult.

Midnight*Patrol
*
This is exactly what I'm talking about wrt distorted reality.

This is very dysfunctional for a child, and their long-term relationship with that parent.

It really isn't. You may like to believe it is because it feeds a narrative step live into perfectly blended Homes have all the same stuff in each home and are equally divided with regards to money opportunities and amount of parental involvement. Sorry to burst your bubble but it just ain't so sometimes.

If you could care to read my post correctly you could see that despite 17 years of this abject dysfunctional behaviour (according to you.) My stepchildren are currently staying with us, have been with us for the last three months out of choice. Have successfully completed high school, university and are now all gainfully employed except the youngest who at uni? Sorry to disappoint you but is traumatised and nobody has a bad relationship with her dad in fact quite the opposite.

The judgement from people who don't have stepchildren or who have stepchildren and parent quite differently is quite frankly bizarre. Not one size fits all, my stepchildren did not want to regards our home as their home, due to their mother mot wanting them to regard our home as their home.
Even now they say 'we are staying with dad and ap1999. All appear entirely happy with this .

You sound really cold towards your Ss. The poor kid 😞

OP the issue isn’t really that you didn’t buy him a present on speak on the phone while you were away.

It’s the language you are using when you describe your feelings towards him. You would have received a lot more sympathy if you’d written “I’m so fond of DSS, he’s a lovely child and I love having him around but I didn’t buy him a present...”

Instead you’ve been completely honest about your feelings: you didn’t miss him, didn’t think about him and he’s really not that important to you.

MN generally does not like to hear that kind of talk from a step-parent.

FWIW, I very much doubt he was upset or traumatised at not receiving a bag of sweets or plastic souvenir and it’s unlikely he was bothered about speaking to you on the phone. If you are otherwise kind and considerate towards him I think it’s fine. Your cavalier tone on this thread suggests otherwise (that you perhaps dislike him) but of course none of us are in your home and actually see how you interact with him so who knows?

Wicked step mother alert ‼️

How long have you been in his life? DP misses DS when he works away, asks to see him on video call and asks how he is. I'd be hurt if he didn't care at all. It would.be sad to think I'd brought someone into DSs life that didn't care about him.

A little gift wouldn’t hurt.

@Pluddy67 You should have bought ss a token present.

I think if your DH continues to go on about the phone call etiquette, you can say 'does ss want to have a chat with me?' 99% of the time they will say 'no'

I’m guessing at least three years if their child is two years old.

You’re the kind of person I worry about my DH marrying/being with if we ever split/I die or something. Someone that doesn’t treat their step kids as they do their own kids. I feel sorry for your DSS and you absolutely should have bought him something.

@Pluddy67 Ad a step parent myself I kind of get it… There is an expectation that we should love our step children as we do our own but it’s impossible for most people.I reckon your SS also probably wouldn’t give a shit about speaking to you on the phone but given the fact he lives with you 3 days a week you could’ve asked after him even if deep down you don’t really care that much. A token small gift would have been nice too. I don’t blame you for not missing SS but for the love of your DP you should try and make an effort to be kind.

OP you asked if you were being unreasonable, why did you ask? You are just refuting all the suggestions that you are? So if you believe you are in the right and are not going to take the feedback then continue as you are but there is a reason as to why everyone thinks you are being unreasonable, maybe just take on board what people are saying as it is very clearly the general consensus. For reference yes you should and could easily have brought a small token gift back, you probably know that already. Also I don't think you need to "beg" to speak to your SS, all it needed to be was "oh is ss around? Oh he's off chatting to his friends, gaming etc, no worries tell him I said hi". It's no effort at all to do that and would have made dh feel like his ds was a valued part of the family and ds feel included. Yes he's 11 and you think he doesn't care, but things like that will be remembered. If it was me I would be telling dh that upon reflection I was in the wrong and that I will be more mindful next time. But you won't do that because you think you're in the right, which is fine, but maybe just don't bother reading/replying to any comments if you're not going to take them on board anyway

It’s not ‘expecting blended families to be a fairytale’ to say a child shouldn’t be treated as a visitor at their parents house.

It’s very unreasonable for an 11 year old boy to be treated as an outsider because his parents aren’t together. It’s on the adults to make sure that he’s made to feel at home and part of the family.

I grew up ‘between homes’ myself so I know only too well how aware children in this situation are of what is going on.

Same here.

I think it was very unkind not to bring the child a gift - I don't care what age he is, it was a thoughtless and divisive thing to do IMO.

And I would have asked about DSS, too.

You have a blended family - you should at least pretend to care for your stepchild. It was unkind.

I've never bought my step-kids a gift when I've gone on holiday and to my knowledge neither my DH nor they care. (They don't live with us).

But if my DH DID care, I would make the effort to do so. I love DH. It's not a big request.

I am sure your SS is very much aware of the family dynamic and tries to keep out of your way. That doesn't make your behaviour any less mean

This response is very telling. Does he live with you? No he’s “there” 3 nights a week. You don’t see him as living with you half the time, it’s not his home. He’s just there!

I'm embarrassed for you that you assumed the dss was there. I assumed dss was at his mums when the OP got back if he was at the house while she was away.

By the way, why do posters add their own made up stuff on ? If one of the many posters that has done so could answer truthfully that'd be grand.

As long as you knew dss wouldn't be there when you got back you are absolutely fine @Pluddy67, re the gift, i also managed to read all of your posts so I saw you asked after dss when asking if they were all OK, what they had for tea etc. He would have thought you were a right oddball if you had asked his dad to get him but I have a normal 11 year old who would think the same and not be mentally damaged by me not doing so.

At least youve given some people the opportunity to froth this monday morning eh? Giving them all a chance to vent. Selfless of you really 😊

I agree with OP here - the DH was the one at home, he could very easily have brought DSS to the phone. I do not have a blended family but my kids are old enough to know why I am away - if I call DH, I will ask how the boys are and he will say if one of them is there and would like to say hi etc. If not, i assume they are fine.

(I would have bought an airport toblerone if something, so they both had a gift, though)

Why have you bothered asking if you are just going to argue with everyone who tells you they don’t agree with your behaviour?

You obviously think showing less care to a child that lives with you 50% of the time than I would to a pet hamster is perfectly reasonable.

I feel desperately sorry for the poor child who has to live in the same house as you but since nothing anyone says is getting through to you, why post in the first place? Did you really think everyone would agree with you? If so, that’s frightening.

Nasty.. just plain nasty.. l have two step grandchildren and never leave them out.
Also l don't agree with going away when you left your two year old at home.. they need their Mum at this age.

In a totally non frothing way, it’s rather sad that you write you didn’t miss or think about your stepson once while away.
Hes only 11, you’ve been a part of his life for a long time. He doesn’t need your present but a little consideration would be nice

Just what I thought.

YABU

I feel quite sad for the poor boy. Not so much about asking to speak to him while you were away, but the way you speak of him, with such little interest.