Husband being dramatic over holiday

[Pluddy67]

I recently went away with a friend abroad.

I purchased my 2yo a small gift whilst there and also rang to speak to her every day. I also bought my sister a gift as she helped a couple of the days collecting from nursery when H wasn't home yet.

Husband made comments when I got back about it being unreasonable that I hadn't bought something for DSS. He also mentioned the fact I never even asked to speak to DSS or say hello when I facetimed our DD.

I think he's being silly and a bit dramatic. Especially re the facetime thing. Of course I missed our DD and wanted to see her. It may sound awful but I didn't think about DSS once and certainly didn't miss him, why would I be desperate to say hello to him?

DSS is 11 for reference.

The thing is, it was important to your DH. He wanted you to think about his kid. Without being asked. Because he thinks about his kid. So I can see why he would be disappointed.

But you just think he is silly and overdramatic. It sounds like you're a bit disdainful of him, tbh (your DH, not your DSS). Do you like him? (your DH, not your DSS).

I agree with DH.

You sound rather hard OP. What's the rest of your marriage like out of interest because it does sound like you see you and your daughter separately and your bloke and his son separately- rather than a 'blended family' - that's a lot of you are having him 3 days a week and I would be put out if I was your H too- you don't have to like your SS- and 11 year old boys can be hard going- but you are kind of making it obvious that you don't see him as family.

My 38 year old son has a lovely 7 year old child with a previous partner and a 2 year old toddler with his live in partner. His partner includes his older child in absolutely everything, weekends away, holidays, party's at grandparents- she is on all family pictures- she isa totally amazing young woman!! And I bet if they did split that would carry on too. If you love the dad, then you should make an effort with people who matter to him.

This is actually really awful. The boy is 11, he seems grown up because you have a toddler but what you really have here is a child that recognises that his step mother doesn't care enough to ask about him or bring him back a stick of rock from her holiday. You might think he doesn't care but I'd bet that not only does he care, he's actually quite hurt by it. You're the grown up here, it's down to you to include him in things to make him feel like he's part of your family not just a visitor to his dad 3 nights a week.

I agree to a certain extent, but a small gift would have been nice

You don’t seem to care about DSS.
I also notice you call him SS, not DSS which is a bit of a giveaway that you simply tolerate him. I would want more for my child than to grow up with family members that are so indifferent to him, yes.

Honestly I'm not sure how to answer this as my experience is so dramatically different. My OH has been nothing but amazing with DSS, taken him on trips since she met him and still meets him for coffee now. He's 25 now and she's known him for 11 years. Her parents buy him presents and not just for Christmas and Birthdays, he pops into see them and even stays with them. Her extended family Aunties and Uncles also buy him birthday cards gifts etc, he is treated like one of the family and it's fabulous.
I know he's not the same as our DS's or their grand children and never expected the level of love shown for him.
He has said so many times how happy he is with everyone and always turns up at family events.
What I think about it is that you DSS will know and it will make a difference to him. He has been through a massive upheaval and he deserves to feel some love and warmth, he is after all a child. It will be important to him, even if he doesn't show it. The small things really do matter.

I'd also have felt that somehow I was slightly less important to you because of the way he was treated, it would have hurt me. It's a little but really important thing.

A really small change could bring huge improvements in your lives and believe me your DH will love you all the more for it.

yes of course you should’ve bought a small souvenir for DSS. It is also uncarimg that you haven’t once thought of your DSS. It would be nice to say something at least “how DSS is doing, say hi to him”
quite cold

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not asking to speak to him on the phone, no. As you said, you’d have said hello and had a chat if he’d been in the room when you called. I don’t think most 11 year olds want to be taken away from whatever they’re doing to come and talk to their stepmother on FaceTime.

You should have bought him a gift though, yes. I would never go on holiday and bring back something for my daughter but nothing for DSCs. It just seems a bit mean, even if you knew he’d be with his mum when you got back.

YABU. Your DH is right.

You aren’t a random woman, you are the stepMOTHER. The clue is in the name. And SS lives with you in his second home nearly half the time

From the age of your DD, you and DH have been together at least 3 years. By the time I was 11, if someone had ignored me the way I’m guessing you ignore your SS, I wouldn’t have complained about the lack of a gift either. But only because I had shut down to minimise the pain

Your DH sounds only human. You, I am having a very difficult time with

A small gift to spike SS curiosity about the place you visited would have been nice, educational, thoughtful and normal.

A small teddy for 2 year old is, likewise, appropriate.

Yes me too. Really feel for the child having to spend half his week with someone who doesn’t give a shit.

Nobody is saying you have to love DSS like your own, but make a blinking effort! We all ask after friends'/siblings' children and buy them little gifts even though we don't have the strength of feeling that we have for our own kids. It's just good manners and being a nice person.

YABVU. Cold. To buy for one and not the other. To show interest in one and not the other. I don’t give a fuck if one is a step child. Your attitude is disgusting

Yes, you should have got him a little something and asked after him at the very least.

He lives with you for half a week and you didn't miss or think about him at all 🙀🙀🥲🥲

Do you even like let alone love him

Poor child 🥲

Yes a small gift would have been nice

And to ask how he was /wave /talk to him for a few mins the nights he was there

It may sound awful but I didn't think about DSS once and certainly didn't miss him, why would I be desperate to say hello to him?

It does sound awful. I feel very sorry for the child. I'd say as an adult he may well look back on his childhood and wonder what the hell his father was thinking when he hooked up with you.

I agree with DH

And why his father let him spend that much time in a home where he is at best tolerated.

I'm with you on the call OP. Whilst a gift is not essential I personally would have got some sweets or snacks for my DSC. Something that says I thought of you. I wouldn't be happy with DH thinking it was so terrible if I hadn't.

@ap1999

”'It's their home too' It really isn't. Which isn't to say they aren't welcome whenever they want to stay (especially now older and can get here over their own steam. ) but a 'home' houses your 'stuff' and they take their stuff backwards and forwards.”

Really sad for children to be growing up in a home (yes a home) which the adults in their life don’t consider to be their home, they’re just visitors ‘like a holiday home’.

This is very dysfunctional for a child, and their long-term relationship with that parent.

Sorry OP but I agree with the other 99% of posts, that not buying him a gift is petty and unnecessary.

While I appreciate you obviously aren’t going to view your DSS in the same way as your daughter, it is a little odd to not ask after him at all given he lives with you half the time.

At 11 he’s going to becoming more and more aware of these ‘sleights’ and I would suggest thinking about what continuing to treat him as an outsider is going to do long term (to him, to you daughter, to your marriage etc).