Husband being dramatic over holiday

[Pluddy67]

I recently went away with a friend abroad.

I purchased my 2yo a small gift whilst there and also rang to speak to her every day. I also bought my sister a gift as she helped a couple of the days collecting from nursery when H wasn't home yet.

Husband made comments when I got back about it being unreasonable that I hadn't bought something for DSS. He also mentioned the fact I never even asked to speak to DSS or say hello when I facetimed our DD.

I think he's being silly and a bit dramatic. Especially re the facetime thing. Of course I missed our DD and wanted to see her. It may sound awful but I didn't think about DSS once and certainly didn't miss him, why would I be desperate to say hello to him?

DSS is 11 for reference.

I buy Xmas and Easter gifts etc but my sister in laws step daughter and she's not even married to her Dad, they just live together. The girl is with them half the week. My MIL also buys for the girl as do the rest of the family.

I couldn't consciously give a gift to one child and not the other.

Bad form that OP. It's not like your SS stays one weekend a month.

They don't if they have a good father at home. Too many women have no idea what that's like though. I'll tell you. It's amazing.
It's only ever women who expect nothing from the men in their life that spout that kind of very outdated nonsense.

Yeah YABU. Poor kid.

I suspect your DH is picking up on your general vibe to DSS.

I understand the sentiment behind Cinderella now.

If you want to encourage a divide between siblings carry on behaving and thinking like you do.

Your DH is correct in his observations of you. I am sure he thinks less of you because of your behavior and attitude towards your SS.

You husband isn't overly sensitive or dramatic.

He sees from.your behaviour, and actions that you are very dismissive of his son.

It's completely unstandable that your own child means more to you, that's human nature but as a partner of someone who had children before they met you, some kindness and inclusion wouldn't go astray. You come across cold and dismissive of this child whereas he's your partner's son. He should matter to you because of that.

I don’t think YABU to not have wanted to speak to him, like you say if he was around you’d have said hi, but to go out of the way to get him to come and say hi to you, is a bit much. But I do think you were BU about not bringing him anything back, but you’ve acknowledged that

My mother (who died aged 81 in 2017) lost her own mother when mum was 13. Her dad remarried to my step grandma (only gran I ever knew as Dad's died before I was born, too), who came with a 6 year old son.

Grandad and grandma went on a holiday to Switzerland just after their marriage and they brought back a gift - a Swiss watch - for the little boy*. Mum got nothing.

She was still hurt about it and mentioned it not long before she died.

OP, you might think your DSS isn't bothered and doesn't know how disinterested in him you are. I bet he is and he does.

The little boy is now 80 and I had a long chat with him only last Friday!

Yabu

It was just a short break.

@Pluddy67 I'm assuming that when dss is at his mum's you don't call him and speak to him, but that your husband might? This would be the same.

Also I have an 11yr old son, he would happily chat with me or his dad on the phone if we were away but would not want to chat to other adults, he'd far rather be chattering with his friends while gaming.

I'd have got him some sweets if he was going to be home when I got back, but given he wasn't there was no need for you to do so, his feelings won't be hurt

Your dh is right. Why wouldn't you get something for the step child top?

Couldn’t you have just picked him up a tobleron in the air port? I think you’ve demonstrated how unimportant dss is to you and that’s going to hurt dh even if it’s the reality.

This ⬆️

It's the fact that you didn't immediately think "oh fuck yeah, I could have got him something small too couldn't I? It's a bit late now but next time". Or "oh, do you think he'd have liked me to ask to speak to him?" It's not about whether you miss him - it's not about you at all. It's as if DSS's feelings aren't on your radar.

It doesn't matter if he was there to see the baby get the present or not. He's likely to notice or find out later.

Your husband is telling something you need to know: you need to consider DSS's feelings more.

Did you ask in passing if your Dss was OK, all doing fine?

I think at 11 most kids wouldn't mind a nice bar of chocolate or such as a gift.

OP has answered this

”I did ask in the sense that I asked what they'd all been up to/ what they'd eaten for tea or whatever.”

Honestly Op I would have picked him up a small present even if he was not going to be there on your return. I would not have necessarily asked to speak to him when you rang but I would have asked how dss is and how was school/match or whatever to show some interest. Honestly it sounds like you do not care for dss and this does will harm your relationship with ds.

@Pluddy67 quite a double down. YABU.

“I would have asked how dss is and how was school/match or whatever to show some interest.”

She did ask about them all.

You were thoughtless and your response after everything everyone has said shows it wasn't an just an oversight.

Kids pick up on these things even if he doesn't say anything.

Why be with a man with a child if you're not willing to include them.

Would you have been happy of it was the other way round, you dh bringing a gift for your shared child but not for your previous one?

That others how you'd like to be treated or how you'd like your dd to be treated if anything happened to you.

Another thread that makes me so grateful for the decent human being my DS has as his SM.

He lives with you 3 nights a week, but you didn't think of him once.
Your partner is right to be upset. I would be too if I were in his position, as you have proved you don't care about his son.

You're never going to love your stepson like your daughter, and that's understandable.

But, as an adult, you'd have to have zero emotional intelligence to not realise that you must treat these children the same. Can you not see that?

He is your DH's son, your DD's brother and a part of your family.

People like you should avoid men who already have children. I despair, I really do.

For the calls, I guess it depends on the child whether that would be upsetting or not. Some kids don't like talking on the phone/facetime, regardless of who it is calling; some kids do. Whilst it wouldn't have killed you to at least ask, 'Is DSS there? Would he like to say hello?', I do think if your DH was bothered about this he could have texted you something like, 'hey, it would be nice for DSS if you said a quick hello next time you call DD'. There's no point stewing about it while you were away and only saying something once you got back.

But I do think it's unusual that you didn't think to get a child who lives with you 3 days out of 7 even a small gift, like a fridge magnet or little bag of chocolate coins or something from the airport on your way back. I do that for my child's best friends, when they're not even family and there's no expectation of a present. I just do it because I think of them.

its basic courtesy.

you don't need to talk to him, but to not even ask after him? when he lives there? not exactly a big ask.

If your best mate never asked after your kids anyone would think it a bit weird, let alone your wife.