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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Husband being dramatic over holiday

873 replies

Pluddy67 · 22/04/2024 07:03

I recently went away with a friend abroad.

I purchased my 2yo a small gift whilst there and also rang to speak to her every day. I also bought my sister a gift as she helped a couple of the days collecting from nursery when H wasn't home yet.

Husband made comments when I got back about it being unreasonable that I hadn't bought something for DSS. He also mentioned the fact I never even asked to speak to DSS or say hello when I facetimed our DD.

I think he's being silly and a bit dramatic. Especially re the facetime thing. Of course I missed our DD and wanted to see her. It may sound awful but I didn't think about DSS once and certainly didn't miss him, why would I be desperate to say hello to him?

DSS is 11 for reference.

OP posts:
Youcannotbeseriousreally · 22/04/2024 08:10

I wouldn’t FaceTime my step kids ( or my kids for that matter really!) and I absolutely wouldn’t be thinking of my step kids either ( they are older and come less and I am very used to being away without any kids) i think the gift is a hard one, on one hand he wasn’t there when you got back so it really didn’t matter, on the other hand it wouldn’t have killed you to bring him some chocolate or something would it? I do think your husband is blowing it all WAY out of proportion though. What’s done is done now.

Newbutoldfather · 22/04/2024 08:10

I don’t think the gift matters at all, but you have a totally blasé attitude about your partner and stepson.

He probably had quite a tough week while you were away with your girlfriends, looking after 2 children with a 9 year age gap. And then he had to facilitate FaceTime with you and a 2 year old (who would honestly just have been confused and upset by it).

I think good relationships all involve compromises and blended families even more so. Whatever your personal views are, you would do well to listen to your husband if you want the relationship to last and make compromises.

Loubelle70 · 22/04/2024 08:12

Personally, i would always bring my stepchild something back if i had bought my DC, i got with partner knowing they had a child so i take that on. Even if its a little token gift its that you thought of them. I don't think its unreasonable that your husband is pissed off. Youve thought about your own.

Workawayxx · 22/04/2024 08:12

I don’t think Yabu with FaceTiming. My dp works away and speaks to our DD every day but only really says hi to ds (age 12, not his son) if he happens to be around. I don’t think he’d buy a present for Dd and not ds though and I do think it would have been nice to get your dss something.

WimpoleHat · 22/04/2024 08:13

It's the attitude towards the stepson - the not giving a shit, not giving two thoughts.

But you can’t really infer “not giving a shit” from that. The other thing is - all step families are different. There are endless threads on here where everyone is convinced that their way is the only, right way. And it doesn’t work like that in practice at all as every situation is different. A stepmother who marries a widower with a toddler will automatically have a very different role in a child’s life from one who marries a divorcee with a 10 year old who has his own very involved mother. There was a thread on here the other week where one poster described how plenty of people have “a dad and a dad’s wife”. I do myself; relationships are all perfectly cordial and pleasant. The OP and the SS may be more out of that mould and he may not see her as a “parent figure” at all. They may not be close - but you can’t infer from that that there’s any hostility from the OP. I think the key is whether the DH is saying that the SS noticed or was upset, which we don’t know.

socks1107 · 22/04/2024 08:13

I agree with other posters. You should have brought him a small gift home.
If this were reversed and your dh only bought ss one you'd be upset.

The FaceTime thing I get, I would never have asked to speak to sd on the phone but I would've treated her the same as the others re a small gift

Pigeonqueen · 22/04/2024 08:14

Wouldn’t have hurt for you to get something small for him. Your attitude towards him comes across very badly from what you’ve posted.

Eejitmum101 · 22/04/2024 08:15

@strawberrypie98 agree feel for her child and DSS ! Got no idea

strawberrypie98 · 22/04/2024 08:17

I think the point some people are missing is he lives with op half the week too.
Come on it's horrible behaviour.

Imustgoforarun · 22/04/2024 08:18

That’s really unkind OP.

poor child he is only 11. Even my partners mum gets me a fridge magnet when she travels! It’s the thought…..but as you say you didn’t think…….You have two children living at your house.

Icantbedoingwithit · 22/04/2024 08:20

WimpoleHat · 22/04/2024 08:13

It's the attitude towards the stepson - the not giving a shit, not giving two thoughts.

But you can’t really infer “not giving a shit” from that. The other thing is - all step families are different. There are endless threads on here where everyone is convinced that their way is the only, right way. And it doesn’t work like that in practice at all as every situation is different. A stepmother who marries a widower with a toddler will automatically have a very different role in a child’s life from one who marries a divorcee with a 10 year old who has his own very involved mother. There was a thread on here the other week where one poster described how plenty of people have “a dad and a dad’s wife”. I do myself; relationships are all perfectly cordial and pleasant. The OP and the SS may be more out of that mould and he may not see her as a “parent figure” at all. They may not be close - but you can’t infer from that that there’s any hostility from the OP. I think the key is whether the DH is saying that the SS noticed or was upset, which we don’t know.

Considering her ‘real’ child is already two and her stepson is only 11, it would seem she has been in his life since he was at least 8 or younger.

strawberrypie98 · 22/04/2024 08:29

Well op not bothered so why has she posted.
Something has pulled her to post-maybe feeling guilty?
If this was my family I personally would agree with her oh on this.
Anyway op just move on and try and be nicer in the future. It wouldn't have been a big deal for you to make a little effort even for your oh sake.
Life's too short to be petty and self centred.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 22/04/2024 08:34

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 22/04/2024 07:07

He's with you half the time I wouldn't have bought for one child and not the other, it's also a bit sad that he lives with you for half his life and you didn't think of him even once when you were away and calling home.

This. It's very poor form and sad that a kid that lives with you 3 days a week didn't even rate a thought let alone a small present. If you were my partner Id be seriously wondering why I was with someone that could dismiss my child like this.

LittleMonks11 · 22/04/2024 08:35

WimpoleHat · 22/04/2024 08:13

It's the attitude towards the stepson - the not giving a shit, not giving two thoughts.

But you can’t really infer “not giving a shit” from that. The other thing is - all step families are different. There are endless threads on here where everyone is convinced that their way is the only, right way. And it doesn’t work like that in practice at all as every situation is different. A stepmother who marries a widower with a toddler will automatically have a very different role in a child’s life from one who marries a divorcee with a 10 year old who has his own very involved mother. There was a thread on here the other week where one poster described how plenty of people have “a dad and a dad’s wife”. I do myself; relationships are all perfectly cordial and pleasant. The OP and the SS may be more out of that mould and he may not see her as a “parent figure” at all. They may not be close - but you can’t infer from that that there’s any hostility from the OP. I think the key is whether the DH is saying that the SS noticed or was upset, which we don’t know.

OP said she didn't think about SS once whilst on holiday and deliberately didn't buy him a gift. Didn't ask after him. Didn't ask to say hi on a call. States SS 'doesn't live with us' when he live there almost half the week. Wouldn't 'give a shit' if SS mother didn't but her DD a gift from a holiday too.

I think that infers quite a bit of indifference, if not shits given.

LittleMonks11 · 22/04/2024 08:37

strawberrypie98 · 22/04/2024 08:29

Well op not bothered so why has she posted.
Something has pulled her to post-maybe feeling guilty?
If this was my family I personally would agree with her oh on this.
Anyway op just move on and try and be nicer in the future. It wouldn't have been a big deal for you to make a little effort even for your oh sake.
Life's too short to be petty and self centred.

Agree

I'd try to be nicer in future. Make SS feel
Included in your affections. He's just a kid.

Livinghappy · 22/04/2024 08:37

H is always very sensitive about minor stuff like this imo even when no one else cares (especially SS)

I think if you know your dh is sensitive to his children being treated equally then I think you should consider this. A small gift for your dsd would have helped. Just be a little more thoughtful in future. I understand why you don't consider your dsd your child but he is a child and every child likes to be included.

Iloveyoubut · 22/04/2024 08:38

Pluddy67 · 22/04/2024 07:24

DH doesn't buy anything for the DC when he goes away. But if he did, both of them are his so hardly comparable.

Show quote history

This is just horrible. It’s so depressing to me that people actually feel like this about children.

User284725 · 22/04/2024 08:39

I think the phonecalls thing is fine. A 2 year old would wonder where mummy was, 11 year old wouldn't care. But no gift is shitty and unkind. You could have got sweets for a few euros and it's a standard thing to bring gifts back from a holiday.

InterIgnis · 22/04/2024 08:40

strawberrypie98 · 22/04/2024 08:07

I think if you want to stay married you need to rethink this. It's not about money it's about you as a person.
I think you sound really unkind but hey ho carry on with this attitude and your oh might find someone else who can look after his kids better and be a loving caring person.
Up to you.

Ah yes, losing a man - famously regarded on mumsnet as something to be avoided at all costs. Presumably he knew OP as a person, and the dynamics of her relationship with his son, when he married her.

Form an orderly queue for the twice divorced father of two that’s starting again from scratch, ladies…

Floofydawg · 22/04/2024 08:41

I can't imagine my SS wanting to speak to me if I was away on holiday. He'd think it was weird if I even asked.

Menomeno · 22/04/2024 08:46

In ten year’s time you may have a new partner who treats your now 2 year old like they don’t exist and are not worth a bag of sweets. Think how upsetting it would be to have someone you love deeply treat your precious child like a nonentity.

Original poster
Pluddy67 · 22/04/2024 08:47

Floofydawg · 22/04/2024 08:41

I can't imagine my SS wanting to speak to me if I was away on holiday. He'd think it was weird if I even asked.

The thing that annoys me about this is he never says anything until after the fact. If you're so bothered that I'm not asking for SS whilst on the phone to DD then go and get him and I'll say hi. If he'd have said to me "want to say hi to SS" I'm not going to have replied with God no thanks!

But he'll leave it, not say anything, and just expects me to know that he wants me to. And I do disagree with him that it's reasonable for me to want to speak to SS the same as I would want to speak to my daughter whilst I'm away.

OP posts:
LittleMonks11 · 22/04/2024 08:52

It may sound awful but I didn't think about DSS once and certainly didn't miss him, why would I be desperate to say hello to him?

I think this is the sentiment that sums everything up. You recognise it sounds awful - because it is awful.

BlastedPimples · 22/04/2024 08:54

But @Pluddy67 why doesn't it even occur to you that it would be a nice and normal thing to do to speak to the kid who lives with you 40% of the time?

He's a kid. Be kinder.

valjane · 22/04/2024 08:55

Poor kid. I can't believe you didn't buy him a gift.