Page 4 | Husband being dramatic over holiday

Pluddy67 · 2024-04-22T06:03:00+00:00

I recently went away with a friend abroad. I purchased my 2yo a small gift whilst there and also rang to speak to her every day. I also bought my sister a gift as she helped a couple of the days collecting from nursery when H wasn't home yet. Husband made comments when I got back about it being unreasonable that I hadn't bought something for DSS. He also mentioned the fact I never even asked to speak to DSS or say hello when I facetimed our DD. I think he's being silly and a bit dramatic. Especially re the facetime thing. Of course I missed our DD and wanted to see her. It may sound awful but I didn't think about DSS once and certainly didn't miss him, why would I be desperate to say hello to him? DSS is 11 for reference.

BodyKeepingScore · 22/04/2024 07:38

A small town gift would have been fair in this instance, the child lives in your house half the week...

BodyKeepingScore · 22/04/2024 07:39

*token

MonsieurSpade · 22/04/2024 07:39

I agree that you didn’t need to speak to dss, he wouldn’t want to be interrupted.
However I think a small gift would have been diplomatic.
Presumably you love your dh and want him to be happy.
Tell him that on reflection you don’t agree about asking to speak to dss but you do on a gift and suggest that you take dss out to buy a small gift as there was nothing suitable in abroad country for an 11 year old.
Dss will be happy, dh will be happy and you’ll probably feel happy too when it’s all done and dusted.

Gazelda · 22/04/2024 07:39

SS may not have wanted to chat with you if he'd been asked to.

But inside he would have known that you give a shit about him, wondered how he was, was interested in his life, considered him part of your family.

You've shown him the opposite.

ThePerfectDog · 22/04/2024 07:40

Pluddy67 · 22/04/2024 07:33

I honestly can't imagine giving a toss that a woman who isn't her mother didn't miss her or be bothered about speaking to her when she went on holiday for a few days.

Show quote history

I think you would be surprised because your daughter is a child that you actually care about so you will see the impact that it has on her to live with someone half the time who doesn’t actually care about her and favours her sibling.

You’re incredibly detached from your step son and every bit of language you use demonstrates complete indifference which he will totally be aware of.

This is going to cause all sorts of issues with dynamics between all three people in the family unit which you don’t seem to value. As a bare minimum it was cause increasing resentment with your partner and cause the child emotional harm.

LittleMonks11 · 22/04/2024 07:40

That's pretty arsehole step parent behaviour in my view. Added to the fact you are being belligerent about it when called out. He's only 11 and has feelings.

ThePerfectDog · 22/04/2024 07:40

Gazelda · 22/04/2024 07:39

SS may not have wanted to chat with you if he'd been asked to.

But inside he would have known that you give a shit about him, wondered how he was, was interested in his life, considered him part of your family.

You've shown him the opposite.

This is exactly it.

Senzadubbidobbi · 22/04/2024 07:41

OP, what is the point of this thread? You asked our opinions and we’ve given them. What is the point of asking us if you’re not prepared to take on board the answers?

beAsensible1 · 22/04/2024 07:42

Pluddy67 · 22/04/2024 07:14

I understand why your dh and or ss is hurt

Ss isn't hurt. He doesn't even know as he wasn't here when I got back and gave small teddy to 2yo. He won't have a clue.

I also would bet my house that he won't have given a shit about me not begging to speak to him whilst I way away either. He was likely happily chatting to friends on his computer not giving me a second thought - as he should be!

H is always very sensitive about minor stuff like this imo even when no one else cares (especially SS).

DH isn’t sensitive tbh, it’s weird to have 2 children at home and not buy a gift for one just because you didn’t birth them?

DH is advocating for his kid whether SS cares or not, DH is questioning your behaviour and noticing a patterning and raising it with you. Dismiss it if you want, but it’s not invalid.

EatCrow · 22/04/2024 07:42

LittleMonks11 · 22/04/2024 07:40

That's pretty arsehole step parent behaviour in my view. Added to the fact you are being belligerent about it when called out. He's only 11 and has feelings.

Yes. The OP reminds me of someone I once knew, thought she was big and clever being an arsehole.

TCMcK · 22/04/2024 07:57

Just because your SS acts like he isn’t bothered doesn’t mean he isn’t? He is your daughters sibling. Imagine if it was your daughter in that situation? All for the sake of a few quid.

WimpoleHat · 22/04/2024 07:58

I think the OP is getting a bit of a hard time here. She bought a small gift for her child, which she gave to her (presumably without much ceremony - it was a little token) when she got home and the SS wasn’t there. It didn’t sound like “here I am, bearer of bounteous gifts for all the family - but I haven’t thought to get one for SS”. By the sound of it, she didn’t get anything for her DH. If she’d given the teddy to her DD in front of the SS, then that would be awful. But it doesn’t sound that way - and nor would an 11 year old boy be covetous of a teddy aimed at a 2 year old girl. Surely the DH will sometimes buy something for his son, when he sees it and its age appropriate, without having to search for something for the much younger DD? I’ll sometimes do that with my own kids, two DDs much closer in age, because they have very different interests.

strawberrypie98 · 22/04/2024 08:00

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strawberrypie98 · 22/04/2024 08:03

WimpoleHat · 22/04/2024 07:58

I think the OP is getting a bit of a hard time here. She bought a small gift for her child, which she gave to her (presumably without much ceremony - it was a little token) when she got home and the SS wasn’t there. It didn’t sound like “here I am, bearer of bounteous gifts for all the family - but I haven’t thought to get one for SS”. By the sound of it, she didn’t get anything for her DH. If she’d given the teddy to her DD in front of the SS, then that would be awful. But it doesn’t sound that way - and nor would an 11 year old boy be covetous of a teddy aimed at a 2 year old girl. Surely the DH will sometimes buy something for his son, when he sees it and its age appropriate, without having to search for something for the much younger DD? I’ll sometimes do that with my own kids, two DDs much closer in age, because they have very different interests.

Come on she didn't know son wouldn't come down to see her on return.
She made a conscious decision to not bother.
Poor lad between two houses.
I just don't get it.
It's gross behaviour.

Codlingmoths · 22/04/2024 08:03

I wouldn’t have done the asking to speak to him, but I would have brought him a present. I do think it’s lovely to get presents when a parent goes away and i would include step parent in that.

BlastedPimples · 22/04/2024 08:03

Not really sure why you started this thread.

People on here disagree with your approach.

You're snippy about it.

You probably could do with stepping back and reflecting on this thread if you genuinely started it yourself get different perspectives.

If you don't care about other perspectives, then stop posting and carry on with your don't care attitude towards your dss.

strawberrypie98 · 22/04/2024 08:03

TCMcK · 22/04/2024 07:57

Just because your SS acts like he isn’t bothered doesn’t mean he isn’t? He is your daughters sibling. Imagine if it was your daughter in that situation? All for the sake of a few quid.

Exactly

gamerchick · 22/04/2024 08:03

Icequeen01 · 22/04/2024 07:21

Your DSS may not be aware but your DH is. I think you may have caused some irreparable damage there to be honest.

Yeah I think for harmonies sake I'd acknowledge husbands feelings tbh.

LittleMonks11 · 22/04/2024 08:04

WimpoleHat · 22/04/2024 07:58

I think the OP is getting a bit of a hard time here. She bought a small gift for her child, which she gave to her (presumably without much ceremony - it was a little token) when she got home and the SS wasn’t there. It didn’t sound like “here I am, bearer of bounteous gifts for all the family - but I haven’t thought to get one for SS”. By the sound of it, she didn’t get anything for her DH. If she’d given the teddy to her DD in front of the SS, then that would be awful. But it doesn’t sound that way - and nor would an 11 year old boy be covetous of a teddy aimed at a 2 year old girl. Surely the DH will sometimes buy something for his son, when he sees it and its age appropriate, without having to search for something for the much younger DD? I’ll sometimes do that with my own kids, two DDs much closer in age, because they have very different interests.

It's not about the teddy, the sweets...

It's the attitude towards the stepson - the not giving a shit, not giving two thoughts. He doesn't live with us anyway (he does). And not seeing anything wrong with that. I suspect that's what DH is upset about.

But each to their own.

crumblingschools · 22/04/2024 08:05

Would you have handed over the gift to DD if DSS had been there?

Anameisaname · 22/04/2024 08:06

Yes agreed a small token seems like it would have been appropriate.
I get that you didn't think about DSS but your DD will love and think about him so you ask people about things/people they care about surely?
So if your DD was older and married wouldn't you ask about her DH? Even though he wasn't your son? Or if you spoke to a friend who had a child, wouldn't you ask about the child?
Sorry I think yabu on this one

Seagrassbasket · 22/04/2024 08:06

You’ve said in your original post that you didn’t think about DSS once.

You live with a child for half the week and there was nothing you saw, no song you heard, no food on offer, just nothing at all that made you think of him for a second?

That takes some effort, that. Almost like you deliberately ignore the kid and his wants and likes and interests and habits as much as you possibly can.

Poor little bugger. I will never, never understand why women partner up with a bloke with a child and then behave this coldly to them. It’s the blokes fault too, obviously. There are other people in the world who like and value children even if they’re not their own.

Original poster

Pluddy67 · 22/04/2024 08:07

strawberrypie98 · 22/04/2024 08:03

Come on she didn't know son wouldn't come down to see her on return.
She made a conscious decision to not bother.
Poor lad between two houses.
I just don't get it.
It's gross behaviour.

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He was at his mums when I got back.

OP posts:

strawberrypie98 · 22/04/2024 08:07

I think if you want to stay married you need to rethink this. It's not about money it's about you as a person.
I think you sound really unkind but hey ho carry on with this attitude and your oh might find someone else who can look after his kids better and be a loving caring person.
Up to you.

CatherinedeBourgh · 22/04/2024 08:09

When step dad travelled he always brought a doll for his dd (similar age gap as OP's children). If I wanted something from the destination he was going I would ask and he would bring it, otherwise not.

It never occurred to me that it was because I was not his dd, I always assumed it was because of our ages. Thinking back on it, I have no idea if he bought something for his DD from his first marriage, who was the same age as me. I assume it was the same as with me, if she wanted something in particular he would, otherwise not.

An 11 yo and a 2yo are not the same, regardless of parentage.