Husband being dramatic over holiday

[Pluddy67]

I recently went away with a friend abroad.

I purchased my 2yo a small gift whilst there and also rang to speak to her every day. I also bought my sister a gift as she helped a couple of the days collecting from nursery when H wasn't home yet.

Husband made comments when I got back about it being unreasonable that I hadn't bought something for DSS. He also mentioned the fact I never even asked to speak to DSS or say hello when I facetimed our DD.

I think he's being silly and a bit dramatic. Especially re the facetime thing. Of course I missed our DD and wanted to see her. It may sound awful but I didn't think about DSS once and certainly didn't miss him, why would I be desperate to say hello to him?

DSS is 11 for reference.

No child should grow up in a home with an adult so detached. It's none of the things you mention in isolation, it's the general way you view him.

You knew buying something for your DD was a nice thing to do, intentionally didn't buy anything for DSS, and are now using the excuse 'hubby didn't tell me to'.

It's not really love, compassion, or consideration if it has to be requested...

You do sound rather unpleasant. Do you make Facebook posts about your "little family"

Normally I am on the side of the step mother but not buying a gift and your general attitude makes you seem insufferable

I would have brought a present for both kids, I used to do this for SS before I had DD and went away with the girls. Even if it was just some sweets or something. I wouldn't have asked to speak to SS on facetime but he's only with us EOW so likely wouldn't have been there anyway.
Theres nothing you can do now though so maybe say to your DH you're sorry you didn't realise it would be an issue and park it

It’s on him to communicate his expectations. As the one responsible for his son, it was on him to communicate exactly what sort of relationship he wanted her to have with his son before he even got into a serious relationship with her, let alone married her and had another child.

He doesn’t buy gifts for his children when he goes away, so it’s not like he’s exactly leading by example.

Toblerone from the airport wouldn’t have put you out that much you know. Might have been gratefully received by an 11 yr old.

I don't think there is anything wrong with this. My kids are 9 and 13 and I guarantee they would barely want to speak to me or hear what I'm up to. So in that respect I think your husband is unreasonable. If he was bothered he would have got him so he could say hello, which if ss was in the room Im sure would have happened. But I would have brought him something home, sweets or something so maybe that's what your husband picked up on too as not caring. Sounds like your husband is sensitive around the issue of you and your ss, what's your general relationship like? How long have you been in his life?

i usually side with SM and take the flack for doing so. I’m with you on not having any desire to speak to as. That’s ok. Same as me if they were there when on the phone say hi but I wouldn’t have asked to speak to them. If they were with their dad at the time I was away which has happened I ask after them. If they weren’t there I wouldn’t. In honesty I don’t have any real interest but it makes my partner happy so I do it.

when I was away, he FT me and his kids fucked me off as they were eating pizza and placing it on the table not on the plate so the call actually consisted of me telling them off!

I did however buy them each a cheap 2 euro gift. Did I want to no? Did I do it for them ? Not so much. Did it for their dad really and our relationship.

I do think you come across a bit standoffish to your Ss but I do understand that. I’d maybe consider toning it down a touch not for Ss but for your husband and your marriage.

You seem really shitty, you don’t have to play mommy but bloody hell 🙈

You are very combative OP, you do sound like you don’t like DSS and he will feel your vibes and know. I think you know YABVU

I guess we're just very different people, but I couldn't imagine buying a present for DD and it not even crossing my mind that it'd be a kind gesture to also look for a small gift for DSS. I've even brought sweets back for the NDN's kids when I've been on holiday before now. It's just a nice thing to do 🤷‍♀️

OP, you're obviously not generous by nature and that's fine for you. It's not fine for your DH though, it seems.

You think of that 11 year old boy as so grown up now, because you have a 2 year old. When your little girl is 11, please remember this. Think about how young and needy and vulnerable she still is and ask yourself if you'd be ok with her spending 3 days a week with someone who viewed and treated her the way you're viewing and treating that poor boy.

Another example of why blended families don't work.

I think she posted because she thought everyone was going to agree with her and she could then tell her DH that he was being ridiculous.

OP, yes, it's mean. I don't think you needed to speak to him although I'd have probably said something like, "give my love to DSS" or something. Frankly, last time I was away DH had our nephews over here at one point and I didn't talk to them but I did ask what they were all doing and told him and DD to say hi for me. And they don't live with us half the time.

The problem is this is indicative of a bigger issue. you literally just don't think about him at all. I find that weird. There are all kinds of children in my life who are vaguelly related or friends of my DCs' who I might think of and be concerned for. To be so completely oblivious to one that actually lives with you 50% of the time? Mind blowing.

It's actually a standing joke more like trying to find the dark humour between me and my sister that her MIL once didn't even bring her own GC a present at Christmas because he was "only a baby and wouldn't know the difference" vs MY MIL, the same Christmas, turning up with presents for her own GC but ALSO small token presents for my various nephews and nieces who were all with us.

You are clearly like my sister's MIL rather than mine.

This child lives with you and he's old enough to have interests. I mean, for an 11 year old boy finding a magazine, a book, a box of sweets or a small ornament related to where you've been really wouldn't have been hard.

Also, why didn't you get something for your DH? That also seems mean. I always bring DH something even if it's just a bar of local chocolate.

Another shit step parent thread.

Yep. His father should pay attention to that.

The OPs post has made me so sad, with a tear in my eye. All parents should treat ALL "their" kids as equally as possible. Not bringing the DSS a small gift is very sad in my view.
These inequalities, as small as they seem, affect kids for life.

You don't get it. Youre scrutinizing others actions but not your own...like trying to blame your husband for your actions? . The issue is...look at your own actions. I dont think unless youre real close that talking on video chat with DSS was essential unless DSS wanted to, but, you not buying him a little token gift, or indeed not even thinking of him, screams selfishness and wanting all the best for yourself and your child. Do you think DSS takes something away from your family dynamic ...something you think you, your dc deserve?

We have a favouritism thing in our family that my dc don't care about, but it hurts me. My sil will buy lots of designer gifts for and spend (more importantly) lots of time with my dc's cousins, but my dc get £20 in a card at Christmas. My dc are very grateful and always message a thank you, but i think it's because they have grown up to accept that they aren't the favourites, and accept it as the status quo. I think this is really sad.
We had a step child in our wider family for a relatively short time, and always made the effort to include them.

This is mean and speaks of your character for it to have not occurred to you to get the child that lives with you for half the week a small token gift.

Did you ask how he was or ask your DH to say hello to him for you? I think it’s odd behaviour not to consider another child who lives with you. I’m not even a parent and I think it’s odd.

It must be horrible having such a callous stepmother.

Absolutely this.

Tell me, op, did you know the lack of gift and hard attitude were going to cause issues when you got home? Something tells me you did, but you dont give a stuff anyway.

At least you are consistent.

Even though you know your ss likely won’t have noticed you not speaking/getting him anything, it would still have been nice of you to get him a little something. So what if he wasn’t expecting it, it just demonstrates your niceness and consideration for a child who lives in your home a lot.