Husband being dramatic over holiday

[Pluddy67]

I recently went away with a friend abroad.

I purchased my 2yo a small gift whilst there and also rang to speak to her every day. I also bought my sister a gift as she helped a couple of the days collecting from nursery when H wasn't home yet.

Husband made comments when I got back about it being unreasonable that I hadn't bought something for DSS. He also mentioned the fact I never even asked to speak to DSS or say hello when I facetimed our DD.

I think he's being silly and a bit dramatic. Especially re the facetime thing. Of course I missed our DD and wanted to see her. It may sound awful but I didn't think about DSS once and certainly didn't miss him, why would I be desperate to say hello to him?

DSS is 11 for reference.

I think DH has every right to be upset, DSS is a part of your life. Even if DSS didn't seem to mind, it shows complete lack of thought for your DS's son.
Do better.

This sounds like a toxic family set-up. You sound hard-hearted and mean.

😬

He’s with you nearly 50% of his life. Whilst I get not asking to speak to him when you called, I think it’s Very mean spirited not to buy him a small gift.

This!

I have 3 DSS - we can’t all live together as there’s too many of us combined but my partner has them 3 nights a week and we see them as often as we can. Including big sleepovers with everyone (I have three of my own)

I would never in a million years go on holiday and not bring something back for all 6 kids DSS and DS/DDS included.

In fact my partners mother recently
came back from Malta with 6 equal gifts for all of them.

My grandmother includes them always.

I would also ask after them anytime I contacted home. For a few reasons:

I love them genuinely and care what they’re up to

My kids love them and consider them family

I love my partner and they are his babies.

Your child and stepchild will be family after you’re long gone. You’re failing them here by not nurturing that relationship.

Well you sound vile. Are you so dim that you can’t understand the damage that you are doing to your “family”.

When your husband has bought these instances of dislike/ indifference to your attention, you have shown no remorse or introspection. The poor boy obviously knows how you feel about him as you don’t even try to hide it.

I wonder how you will feel if your husband moves on with someone else and your daughter has a step mother like you

That’s very unkind of you not to have bought him something. Poor boy

Op you've know this child since he was 7ish at least.
He does live with you half the time. 7 doesn't split equally but it's as near as damn it.
You have outed yourself as clearly not considering the sibling of your child, the son of your husband, as anything to do with you. No you don't have to beg to speak to him or even bring him gifts from holidays.
You might think that it's totally different for your husband because both children are "his".
But you sound mean and cold and the feedback you are getting is in line with that. The feedback is no he's not being dramatic because actually how you're acting isn't very nice and if you are like this about your holiday then chances are you treat your ss different all the time. Not just now.
He's 11. A child. And he's living half his life with an adult who doesn't see him as a valid reason to even spring on a box of sweets at the airport.
I think you're short on empathy here. If your dh ever moved on with someone else and your dd got the same treatment off his new wife, I think you would see it differently.
And don't bother asking if you don't actually care about the answer. The issue isn't calls or airport gifts, it's the fact you have married someone with a child and think you aren't obligated to invest in that child. Good on your dh for calling you out. He's obviously a better man.

You sound quite nasty and not the sort of step parent I would want for my child. Wicked step mother comes to mind

@Pluddy67 even if you didn't think of him, surely you'd still make the effort and not want him to feel so uncared about?! I'd be gutted if I'd married someone who thought so little of my child, I could not bare them to be stuck in a family where an adult was so disinterested in them. Did he marry you knowing this was how it was?!

Your husband probably walks on eggshells knowing that you don't give a toss about his son. He's probably got more to say about it but doesn't to avoid arguments.

Family, the ones you care for, don't pull this shit to children. Your daughter is learning to treat someone as less than because that's your aapproach.

This is so bloody sad. You sound like a horrible person. I’m amazed Dh married you given your complete indifference to his child.

Wow. You are the type if step parent they make films about. Your husband is correct. To not even think about a child who has been in your life for at least 3 years is disgusting, you should be treating him as if hes your own child. I cant believe you think your attitude is ok

Maybe hes still hoping you will be a decent compassionate human and show some care for your stepson. You know behave like a normal parent. He should never have continued a relationship with you when it became clear you would not accept his son

I feel so sad reading this. A child lives with you for nearly half his life and you don’t think about him or get him a gift. He should feel as much a part of your family as your DD. My BF gets my kids a gift when he goes away and he doesn’t even live with us!

He is only 11. Imagine if your dd is 11 and has a step mum that doesn’t think of her? I’m with your dh. A little gift would have made him feel appreciated. I think your dh is asking you to consider his son’s feelings.

You haven’t mentioned whether his mother also has a new partner. 11 year olds are a lot more perceptive than we think, he’ll know that he’s not that important in his stepmothers life and if that’s the same dynamic with a potential stepdad then he’s going to feel that he’s a visitor in both houses. My stepkids are adults now and had a good relationship with both step parents but still tell of how the 50:50 split left them feeling displaced, it must be so much worse if they feel they are not quite part of the family at either location. He’s part of your family and you should try to treat him in that way.

I think it's pretty hurtful to DSS and DH has a right to be annoyed. A small gift wouldn't have been hard to do. I think it's odd that you are trying to justify this.

This. Our kids watch everything and as horrible as it'll be for DSS your DD will also be affected. Your showing her that love is not a given and that you're not all family. He is her brother, to her he's not going to be "less than" because they don't both have your DNA but if you treat him as the second class child of your family, your DD will pick up on it (as your H has) and she'll either be like you in future or dislike you for it... It's a lose, lose for her either way.

This post is so sad. I would hate to think if I split up with my husband or anything happened to me my kids could be with someone so uncaring. Imagine living half of your life with someone who doesn’t give a stuff about you, doesn’t think about you and treats their own child so differently.
Honestly quite shocking. He is your stepson.

Tbh would dss want to talk to you about missing each other.

I think a small gift from a holiday would've been nice. Of course kids - siblings, step-siblings etc don't get exactly the same all of the time, but a little something from a holiday is a bit different. I think it was unkind not to buy your SS something. For Easter I bought my kids eggs, I also bought the boyfriend of one the same as he was at ours for the weekend. I didn't have to, but it's just kind to isn't it? It's the thought surely? I couldn't leave a child out like that.

You were mean not to buy him a small gift or some sweets/chocs but the talking on the phone I don't think was unreasonable