Husband being dramatic over holiday

[Pluddy67]

I recently went away with a friend abroad.

I purchased my 2yo a small gift whilst there and also rang to speak to her every day. I also bought my sister a gift as she helped a couple of the days collecting from nursery when H wasn't home yet.

Husband made comments when I got back about it being unreasonable that I hadn't bought something for DSS. He also mentioned the fact I never even asked to speak to DSS or say hello when I facetimed our DD.

I think he's being silly and a bit dramatic. Especially re the facetime thing. Of course I missed our DD and wanted to see her. It may sound awful but I didn't think about DSS once and certainly didn't miss him, why would I be desperate to say hello to him?

DSS is 11 for reference.

Of course you live your own DD and want to speak to speak them while away…
why would you miss your SS who you’re used to being apart from while he’s at his mothers most of the week anyway?!… I doubt your SS would’ve appreciated being dragged out of his room to say hi to you, and like you say the dad could’ve shouted up ‘step mum is on phone, come and say hi!!’…. Sounds like he’s trying to cause a row over nothing!!

BUT yes, I’d have bought him a small gift, a stick of rock or whatever the local sweet was… Turkish delight if in Turkey etc…. Pop the the local supermarket and buy him a bar of chocolate maybe, so at least your DH can see you care about his feelings.

Rightly so.

This is inductive of a much bigger problem

She is shaming her husband for being dramatic- be isn't

She didn't buy a gift because the ss didn't enter her head 😔

Its not they key (although is important) the husband noticed and is upset and instead of being a grown up she has posted on here about him being dramatic when in fact he has a valid issue.

Then she has been a snippy PITA.

Your husband is unreasonable to expect to get an 11 year old to speak to you when you're on the phone if you don't have that kind of relationship.

But it does sound like you don't see your SS, who lives half his life with you, as your own son. And that's sad. You may not say anything, but I have no doubt he picks up on your attitude towards him. He feels it, and he no doubt knows you don't care about him as a son. He won't admit it but he will feel hurt, hurt at your rejection. Your attitude is so sad. Many step parents will say they honestly see no difference between their step children and their biological children and they love their SC as their own and unconditionally. You sound like a very cold, very very cold person devoid of maternal emotions for your SS. I feel sorry for you.

I think it’s disgusting behaviour, how would you feel if someone treated your child in the same manner? Kids pick up on these things and I wouldn’t treat a step son any less if I was in a serious relationship with their parent. You need to check yourself massively and think about what sort of person you want to be, I’d be extremely cross with you and wouldn’t be with someone who would treat my child differently, as to your partner, they are both his children. I feel cross for him and your step son.

I could be wrong but I’m getting a narcissistic vibe from the op - doesn’t seem to care about DSS, treats him different to her own child and doesn’t buy him a gift but buys one for her own child, doesn’t ask about him, doesn’t appear to give a shit about him, doesn't seem to think she has done anything wrong by being so dismissive of the situation and of her DSS and then turns herself into a victim by dismissing her DH’s feelings and claiming he is being dramatic - all while she is creating her own drama on here and then gets defensive when she doesn’t get the answers she wants

Quite cruel not to buy SS a small gift and the way you talk about it in this post suggests you don't view him the same as DD.

Your husband is entitled to his feelings and you saying he is "silly" and "dramatic" is extremely patronising amd belittling. If someone posted that their husband said these things or only bought one child a gift everyone would be condemning him.

This is very sad :( poor boy

I’m a step parent. I have 2 DC and 2 DSC. I wouldn’t ask to speak to my DSC on FaceTime if I was away. Our relationship is fine but I wouldn’t want to speak to them. (I find making conversation with my own DC on the phone quite a challenge as they go from chatty as hell in normal life to almost monosyllabic on the phone!) I wouldn’t miss them at all. I would miss my own DC, who would be with their dad if I was away, especially my youngest because she is very close to me and she would likely want to call me. But if I phone my DP and his DC were there I wouldn’t want to speak to them directly. I would shout out a hello if they were walking past when we were on the phone. But like you I wouldn’t expect my DP to go and get them from their rooms to come and speak to me! That would be odd.

I do however tend to buy a gift for them if I go away. I’d feel a bit of a wanker if I got pressies for my own DC and nothing for them. I’ve often spent more on my DSC’s gifts than my own DC. My DSS wears a hoodie I got him while I was away last Summer all the time! Maybe I don’t buy them one every time. But most of the time. I don’t always buy my own DC a gift (I go away a lot!) Likewise my DP often buys things for my DC if he goes away. Again, not always, but a lot of the time.

I don’t blame you in the slightest for not asking to speak to him while you were on the phone to your DD. But I think a little token something might have been a good idea, especially as you say your DH is a bit sensitive about that kind of thing.

I really don’t agree with this idea that you should feel the same about DSC as you do about your own. Of course she doesn’t view him the same. Are you a step parent?

That’s not really what @LT1982 was saying. Of course it’s a different sort of care you have for your own child that that of a step child. BUT to make the step child feel unimportant and unloved and uncared about is quite another. Any parent of a child would be upset at what the op had done. It’s almost as if op is saying her DH’s child doesn’t matter. Her DH’s feelings on the matter are very valid yet op has come on here to call him silly and dramatic for having feelings. It seems op seems to completely disregard both her DH’s and DSS’s feelings.

He's a child. It would have been kind to get him a small gift. He spends half his life in your house, I hope you treat him well. It's not his fault, he's in this situation. Sounds like you have no relationship with him.

Im a step parent.
I have one daughter who is adopted
My husband has a son
We have a daughter together.

We say "we" have three, we treat them the same, albeit age appropriately as there is an age gap. I dont find it challenging in the slightest and neither does my husband.

The op has clearly disappeared as she doesnr want to reflect on the fact that all she had to do was pick up a chocolate bar but she couldn’t be arsed, but I hope it has sunk in that maybe she can invest 15 seconds of effort into her ds next trip.

Im wondering if you generally struggle with relationships and social cues? Maybe there’s a reason why this situation is difficult for you?

She probably hasn’t. She has probably disappeared because people aren’t dancing to her tune. Wouldn’t surprise me if she made this thread thinking everyone would call her DH ‘dramatic’ and ‘silly’ so that she could show him all the replies.

And sometimes we realise where the wicked stepmother trope comes from.

This is harsh! You can’t help the way you feel, but maybe you shouldn’t be with someone who already has DC because it’s not fair on them if you don’t see them as part of the family.

You were unreasonable OP. He is your SS, don't buy for one and not the other.

That is possible....

No empathy either....eek

By OP's thinking, if her dd was older and had a friend sleeping over whilst she was away, she wouldn't have bought the friend anything as she doesn't live there.

It's shocking behaviour and as much as she says Dss doesn't care, this will hardly be the only instance he's been treated differently and kids do pick up on such.

OP says DH is usually sensitive around these things, so seems it's a regular occurrence for DSS to be treated differently.

Instead of listening to her DH's repeated concerns, she comes on here to accuse him of being dramatic, the irony!!

OP wants a nuclear family with dss on the edges. He is your husband's blood and God forbid something happened to you.
He is your DD's brother, show some compassion and maturity.

You seem to be arguing back to some replies as to why you're not a bad step-parent. I think it's time for you to accept that the majority of replies are telling you that you are a bad step-parent and to reflect on your attitude and behaviour towards your SS. I'd be annoyed if I was your husband, he's not being unreasonable, you're the one who is being very unreasonable.

This is what I would have posted.

Yabvu and quite nasty.

This is so sad for the DSS. My DSS is now in his thirties, my DH and I have four younger children age 13 to 22 and I love / treat my DSS the same as my own (lived with us part-time from his early teens).

Honestly, I think it’s really nasty to bring one young child a gift and not the other.