Husband being dramatic over holiday

[Pluddy67]

I recently went away with a friend abroad.

I purchased my 2yo a small gift whilst there and also rang to speak to her every day. I also bought my sister a gift as she helped a couple of the days collecting from nursery when H wasn't home yet.

Husband made comments when I got back about it being unreasonable that I hadn't bought something for DSS. He also mentioned the fact I never even asked to speak to DSS or say hello when I facetimed our DD.

I think he's being silly and a bit dramatic. Especially re the facetime thing. Of course I missed our DD and wanted to see her. It may sound awful but I didn't think about DSS once and certainly didn't miss him, why would I be desperate to say hello to him?

DSS is 11 for reference.

How is that even comparable? lol....both kids are DH's!!

My God what do people not get?

Doesn’t care won’t know or hiding his disappointment and knowledge he’s not wanted?

i took on 3 children when dating and I did everything equally for each no exceptions children are perceptive and will hide their feelings to maintain status quo your as the adult have been very petty

I feel sad about this.
He was maybe sitting in his room listening and waiting to be called for to say 'hi', feeling awkward- as 11yr old boys do- and not feeling comfortable enough to initiate contact.
Maybe he knew all along you'd not be interested in speaking to or seeing him.
Maybe he's learnt to put on a tough exterior -that he doesn't care -whilst inside is feeling completely left out.

It's not good. No wonder your husband isn't happy.

This sort of post really shows the weeds , or should I I saw the wicked step mums who should never have had step children in the first place !! Honestly as a steep mother myself I cannot grasp why it’s so hard , it’s only hard for those who don’t actually realise you are about to get extra family members and not part time visitors . Treat them fairly , love them if you can , see them as an extend to your partner . Yes it’s hard work but it’s not rocket science . If you don’t have it in you to do it , stay away from people with children so you don’t end up damaging their relationship with their children .

i am actually a SM, i would buy all a gift in this situation, a token gift does not hurt. But in all honesty I wouldn’t buy anyone a gift from a holiday as it’s all absolute tat 🤣

However, i do understand what you are saying, sometimes I find it really hard to navigate the whole situation as I don’t want to appear to have favourites but of course love my DC more than my SC, that doesn’t mean to say I don’t love my SC either, I just feel differently about my own DC. The only way I know how to get round this is during the times the SC are with their other parent I try to do stuff with just my own DC so they still get time with just me without the SC. This is something I am very conscious of.

If my husband to be thought that way about my 2 children I'd be very hurt. Sounds like you need to make some more effort with your step son and build a relationship with him. I also have a step son, and I love him dearly I'd certainly be buying him a gift and treating him the same as my bio children.
Doesn't hurt to be kind, especially to a child. It would of been nice of you to want to say hello.
I feel sorry for the boy if he's in your home 3 days a week and you don't think twice about him while away knowing he's home with your husband

To you it's minor but to your husband it isn't. I'm in a blended family, we both have young children from past relationships and some together. The underlying tone in our relationship is all our kids are equal, whether your stepson knows/ doesn't know isn't for you to think of , children are aware of these things and to be honest he's probably picked up on this from you in other ways. I have different relationships with my step kids, but I also do it for my husband, just as I harbour a relationship with the rest of his family out of my love for him. From your responses I can tell you were hoping for a different outcome from the responses X but whether you like it or not you HAVE differentiated between the kids and your husband is ALLOWED to have those feelings, would you like if the grandparents recognised your stepson as grandchild and not your daughter, it wouldn't sit comfortably with you would it ? Sadly your husband has a different view of parenting to you.

That sounds quite mean actually. Not an attractive trait.

Of course, it is comparable. When you become a step-parent you take on a child and should treat them as your own, anything else is a shitty way to behave be honest.

Nah sorry you’re totally in the wrong here, it’s blatantly obvious to anyone reading your posts that you make no effort to have a bond with your stepson at all!! You’re married and have a 2 year old daughter which makes me thinking you’re most likely in this boys life since he was maybe 6 was it? Why have you no interest in him at all? Why get involved with a man who has a kid if you’re not willing to take on that kid too and love him?? Your whole attitude and comments about him shows you couldn’t care less about him. He’s not just “someone else’s kid” he’s YOUR stepson!! The boy has likely got used to you not bothering with him so doesn’t show any emotion towards your lack of interest in him. Maybe he is hurt by your attitude towards him but he says nothing! So you ever even make an effort to form a bond with him like take him out on days with just the 2 of you? Play some games with him or have chats with him asking him about himself or what he does in school etc? Put the shoe in the other foot, imagine your husband remarrying someone else, he has a kid with her and your daughter stays with them 3 nights a week, your daughter is then sidelined by her stepmother and ignored and left out when bringing gifts home from trips away…..without lying to yourself, just think of the exact way you are with your stepson and picture some other woman treating your daughter like that!!! It’s not nice when it’s your kid the one been treated differently!!

This is very sad and I completely understand why your DH is upset as you seem to be showing zero interest in his child, who you are also parenting half the time.
I can’t believe you didn’t pick him up a toblerone or something. And yes, you should have asked to speak to him or say hi on at least one phone call. He is part of your family and is your child now to make part of your family.
It is so sad that you think your husband is being dramatic over this when actually he is being perfectly reasonable.

No, you don’t. Not legally, and only morally if that is what suits your individual moral code. If a parent wants that then it’s up to them to make it clear from the beginning, before they marry and have a child with someone that isn’t on the same page. It doesn’t sound like OP has ever taken on a parental role with him, rather she’s ‘dad’s wife’ - friendly enough when he’s there and they’re interacting, but that’s it.

as it is, the husband doesn’t buy for either child when he goes away, so I doubt his son had any expectations of a gift. He also wasn’t there when OP got back, so it’s hardly like she gave her own child a gift in front of him.

As far as people thinking OP is a cunt or whatever - she didn’t seem at all bothered when she was engaged in the thread, so I imagine she cares even less now. People now are just venting for their own sake now.

He shouldn't have to ask you to include your dss or prompt you into speaking to him. You should give a shit enough to do it off your own back but you don't so your rightly dh pointed it out. I too dont think this is the first time you've done something like this. You chose to have a blended family!

Hope to god your dh sees sense and he sees this thread and how you've spoken about dss because if I were your dh, it would be game over

Yes, agree with all of this.

I can’t believe what I’m reading…
You’ve asked a question and have an answer to everything that doesn’t agree with you. You clearly have no regard to put yourself in your husbands shoes whether they are “both his” and it’s not comparable or not because really and truly it is.
I could never imagine having a child in my home and not treating them as my own no matter how difficult our relationship is or what we think of each other. If I was the boys mother I wouldn’t even want to send my kids for 3 days knowing this is the treatment they get.
You sound like a horrible, evil step mum.

What if DH leaves you because he’s realised how little you care about other members of the FAMILY unit you share. Then you find a man and he doesn’t give 2 shits about your daughter and walked round the house like she doesn’t exist because that’s what it sounds like you do as well. You wouldn’t like it would you.

How about instead of trying to justify your reasons you take accountability that you are seriously wrong and being extremely callous toward you DSS and how little regard you have for you DHs feelings. I’d also consider leaving you DH and DSS to go and find a mother that actually wants them around instead of leaving that boy to grow up in a home KNOWING he’s not wanted. He probably pays no attention to you because YOU are the problem. Maybe he’s upstairs all day trying to cope living with YOU.

FIX UP YOURSELF. This is disgraceful behaviour.

You're a delight.

This little boy lives with you 3 days a week and you didn’t think about him once while you were away or ask to say hi?? You brought your daughter a present home but couldn’t spend €5 to get him some sweets???

You are AWFUL!!!! Absolutely awful! I dread to think how you treat him normally. If I was your partner, I wouldn’t be moaning, I’d be reevaluating the entire relationship. You should be ashamed!

Good on dad for sticking up for his child. Proves you won't be able to shunt him out the picture.

You are something else.
We teach our children to include others and be kind and you’ve just done the complete opposite.
Your poor step son, in years to come when you have no relationship with him and he wants nothing to do with you then remember this thread.

You didn't understand if the shoe was on the other foot meant did you? I'm really not sure why you posted, from your responses you seem peeved that others ( most people) are calling you out on this and your responses have been so defensive. If you're ok with your actions then carry on but don't negate your husband's feelings, they are valid, be ok with being someone who can't be empathetic towards a loved one. Own it and don't post here if you don't want opinions.

your husband is a great dad. he just wants fair treatment to both his kids which is very reasonable request. it wouldn’t have harmed you to care or pretend to care about his child too. if he had gone on a holiday and returned with gifts for his son and not your daughter (if he wasn’t her father) i am sure you’d have been equally upset. if it’s not too late, get your SS something and pretend you bought it while on your trip.

You don't sound like a nice person. That was a horrible thing to do.

I can understand why your H has a problem with you treating his two children differently and it seems like you don't care about your SS and he will 100% pick up on that attitude

I suspect your DH can detect your (very obvious) indifference to his son and he's sensitive about it.

Anyone would be, tbh.

You should have bought him
something and asked to speak with him too.

that boy doesn’t deserve your indifference.

And don’t forget, he’s you DD half sibling, so if you love your DD that much, then do it for her.