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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Husband being dramatic over holiday

873 replies

Pluddy67 · 22/04/2024 07:03

I recently went away with a friend abroad.

I purchased my 2yo a small gift whilst there and also rang to speak to her every day. I also bought my sister a gift as she helped a couple of the days collecting from nursery when H wasn't home yet.

Husband made comments when I got back about it being unreasonable that I hadn't bought something for DSS. He also mentioned the fact I never even asked to speak to DSS or say hello when I facetimed our DD.

I think he's being silly and a bit dramatic. Especially re the facetime thing. Of course I missed our DD and wanted to see her. It may sound awful but I didn't think about DSS once and certainly didn't miss him, why would I be desperate to say hello to him?

DSS is 11 for reference.

OP posts:
PapaIndigoTangoAlpha · 22/04/2024 16:01

if you get a gift for your daughter you should get a gift for your stepson too

Curious where people think this ends? So if I buy my child a pair of pjs they'd like, I have to get my stepchildren some too?

I'm out and about and see a spiderman toy my toddler would love and therefore I have to go and find a gift for two teen stepchildren as well?

Where does this (nonsense) end?

SeeTheWorldAnotherWay · 22/04/2024 16:02

Mercurial123 · 22/04/2024 07:12

Of course, YABVU. He's a child and part of your family.

This.
What is it with women who knowingly get involved with a dad but want nothing to do with their child. They come as a package, FFS!

Snugglemonkey · 22/04/2024 16:03

Pluddy67 · 22/04/2024 07:14

I understand why your dh and or ss is hurt

Ss isn't hurt. He doesn't even know as he wasn't here when I got back and gave small teddy to 2yo. He won't have a clue.

I also would bet my house that he won't have given a shit about me not begging to speak to him whilst I way away either. He was likely happily chatting to friends on his computer not giving me a second thought - as he should be!

H is always very sensitive about minor stuff like this imo even when no one else cares (especially SS).

This is not minor to me. It is you showing your husband your feelings toward his son. Callous disregard about sums it up. I think this would be a deal breaker to me.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 22/04/2024 16:03

Pluddy67 · 22/04/2024 07:14

I understand why your dh and or ss is hurt

Ss isn't hurt. He doesn't even know as he wasn't here when I got back and gave small teddy to 2yo. He won't have a clue.

I also would bet my house that he won't have given a shit about me not begging to speak to him whilst I way away either. He was likely happily chatting to friends on his computer not giving me a second thought - as he should be!

H is always very sensitive about minor stuff like this imo even when no one else cares (especially SS).

How a partner treats one's child is certainly not "minor stuff"

wombleberry · 22/04/2024 16:03

Your DH sounds like a great father, and you sound like a mean-spirited stepmother in all honesty. I can never understand why anyone would choose a partner who already has children if they're not prepared to treat those children as family and do basic things to make them feel included and wanted, like bringing them gifts from holiday when their siblings are receiving gifts (no matter how small). It doesn't matter if you think your SS doesn't notice, you are sending your husband a very clear message that you don't think his son is part of your family and he is upset about it. Spend less time defending your poor behaviour here, and accept that you can do better. The very least you owe your DH is an apology and to amend your behaviour going forwards.

theholesinmyapologies · 22/04/2024 16:04

Meadowfinch · 22/04/2024 07:11

I'd be pretty fed up with that too. You buy a gift for one child, you buy for both. They are both family now.

This

So many posts on mumsnet about how grandparents/extended families/etc ignore step children at holidays, even when they're 'there'... just an awful way to treat children.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 22/04/2024 16:06

Yeah sorry op - it was fucking shit of you not even to buy something small. HTH.

willWillSmithsmith · 22/04/2024 16:07

Hmm, OP you should have at least bought him something if he’s there half the week. Not very nice of you in my opinion and quite the statement.

evtheria · 22/04/2024 16:08

Yabu.

Iloveyoubut · 22/04/2024 16:09

MichaelFlatulence · 22/04/2024 15:52

What? Her DH not buying a gift for either child?

Show quote history

No, I was referring to OP not giving a shit about dss. Maybe I tagged it onto the wrong post.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 22/04/2024 16:09

WimpoleHat · 22/04/2024 07:58

I think the OP is getting a bit of a hard time here. She bought a small gift for her child, which she gave to her (presumably without much ceremony - it was a little token) when she got home and the SS wasn’t there. It didn’t sound like “here I am, bearer of bounteous gifts for all the family - but I haven’t thought to get one for SS”. By the sound of it, she didn’t get anything for her DH. If she’d given the teddy to her DD in front of the SS, then that would be awful. But it doesn’t sound that way - and nor would an 11 year old boy be covetous of a teddy aimed at a 2 year old girl. Surely the DH will sometimes buy something for his son, when he sees it and its age appropriate, without having to search for something for the much younger DD? I’ll sometimes do that with my own kids, two DDs much closer in age, because they have very different interests.

It's part of a pattern of behaviour, general disregard of SS and casually dismissing her partner's concerns

poppy33xx · 22/04/2024 16:09

People are REALLY getting their knickers in a twist over what is ultimately a crappy bags of sweets at an airport....

Anonymous2025 · 22/04/2024 16:10

I would have bought my step children a present too , in fact I always do .

NOTANUM · 22/04/2024 16:10

Agree with your DH. I suspect this is the straw that broke the camel’s back and it’s not really about your DSS getting a teddy bear but rather a lack of interest given he lives almost half the time with you.

CandidHedgehog · 22/04/2024 16:11

SuperGreens · 22/04/2024 15:32

Did his dad facetime him while you were away? Did his dad buy both the children gifts? Unless the answer to those questions is yes, then who does he think he is? Dicktating what you have to do, while doing none of it himself.

He was at home with the children. Do you usually FaceTime your children while they are in the same room? I’d just talk to them personally ….

The same for gifts. If I haven’t gone away, why would a gift be needed?

sandyhappypeople · 22/04/2024 16:11

poppy33xx · 22/04/2024 16:09

People are REALLY getting their knickers in a twist over what is ultimately a crappy bags of sweets at an airport....

yes, hardly an effort to buy a crappy bag of sweets, makes you wonder why OP didn't bother?

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 22/04/2024 16:11

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 22/04/2024 08:10

I wouldn’t FaceTime my step kids ( or my kids for that matter really!) and I absolutely wouldn’t be thinking of my step kids either ( they are older and come less and I am very used to being away without any kids) i think the gift is a hard one, on one hand he wasn’t there when you got back so it really didn’t matter, on the other hand it wouldn’t have killed you to bring him some chocolate or something would it? I do think your husband is blowing it all WAY out of proportion though. What’s done is done now.

Yes - "What's done is done now" - but maybe the OP can reflect upon her behaviour and going forward think about the impact of her behaviour on SS and partner

MichaelFlatulence · 22/04/2024 16:12

poppy33xx · 22/04/2024 16:09

People are REALLY getting their knickers in a twist over what is ultimately a crappy bags of sweets at an airport....

As the saying goes: it’s the thought that counts.

FWIW OP if you’re buying gifts, buy for both, it’s just kinder that way. Your DSS may have his own second parent, but growing up in a loving home is important. You have a part in that.

Pupinskipops · 22/04/2024 16:12

Good God - of course you should have bought him a gift and at least asked how he was! You sound like the archetypal wicked stepmother!

CandidHedgehog · 22/04/2024 16:13

InterIgnis · 22/04/2024 15:45

We have no idea whether their family dynamic is different or not in regards to her relationship with the son.

Either way, if the father has a problem with it then he needs to communicate that to OP, and tell her what it is he wants her to do. Or he can leave.

Show quote history

That may be what he is working up to. If my kids had a stepfather who acted like the OP, I’d be in the process of getting my ducks in a row.

poppy33xx · 22/04/2024 16:14

sandyhappypeople · 22/04/2024 16:11

yes, hardly an effort to buy a crappy bag of sweets, makes you wonder why OP didn't bother?

Show quote history

Because believe it or not it's perfectly reasonable to do something sometimes for just YOUR child...OP's step child has two parents and I'm sure anyway he's blissfully unaware of the packet of haribo he could be scoffing right this second....
I mean, does anyone really care about this stuff? I think people need to get a life personally and get out a bit more....

SittingBackAndWatchingTheClowns · 22/04/2024 16:14

I think it was miserable of you to not have got your stepson a little gift

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 22/04/2024 16:15

Menomeno · 22/04/2024 08:46

In ten year’s time you may have a new partner who treats your now 2 year old like they don’t exist and are not worth a bag of sweets. Think how upsetting it would be to have someone you love deeply treat your precious child like a nonentity.

OP has already said she couldn't care less about that scenario 😟

MintTraybake · 22/04/2024 16:16

Pluddy67 · 22/04/2024 07:05

To add, if I'd happened to have seen DSS on the facetime I'd have obviously said hello. But no I wasn't going to go out of the way to ask H to go and find him in his room so I could speak to him. I think it's weird he'd think I would and if he was that arsed he should have called DSS over himself to say hello.

As a mum to a child with a SM this makes me sad.

Can't force the fact you didn't miss him and I guess it says more about you than your H IMO.

You are married to someone who had children before your joint children - doesn't mean that your husband shouldn't feel upset that you didn't think to get him a token gift or even to say hello.

You've excluded him and whether you see that as a big thing or not - your husband does.

My child's SM didn't contact him for 4 months directly or in the background of a facetime. I lost all respect from there.

chipsewfast · 22/04/2024 16:18

YABU. Are you always this insensitive? How awful for DSS