Husband being dramatic over holiday

[Pluddy67]

I recently went away with a friend abroad.

I purchased my 2yo a small gift whilst there and also rang to speak to her every day. I also bought my sister a gift as she helped a couple of the days collecting from nursery when H wasn't home yet.

Husband made comments when I got back about it being unreasonable that I hadn't bought something for DSS. He also mentioned the fact I never even asked to speak to DSS or say hello when I facetimed our DD.

I think he's being silly and a bit dramatic. Especially re the facetime thing. Of course I missed our DD and wanted to see her. It may sound awful but I didn't think about DSS once and certainly didn't miss him, why would I be desperate to say hello to him?

DSS is 11 for reference.

Why would you choose a partner that has children when you cannot even be bothered to show a very basic level of kindness towards said children?? This is one of many threads of a similar theme that I’ve seen on this site and I just don’t understand why so many women choose a partner with children when they barely tolerate these kids, let alone like them.

Your behaviour is just plain nasty. Takes nothing to be mildly kind and just grab a back of sweets, or a key ring, or a snow globe or whatever token gift for a child who is important in your DH and yours life (although it doesn’t sound like you regard him as important in the slightest). Just spiteful and nasty behaviour.

Poor kid.

I think you sound really unkind about him, OP. He’s a little boy. Of course he isn’t fussed about speaking to you when he’s on his computer. He likely wouldn’t be fussed about speaking to his biological mum or dad either!
But being an adult and a parent is about showing them you love them and care for them - even when they don’t “reciprocate” in kind. Especially when.

And whilst you might not be fussed about the lad- he’s your daughters brother. And that’s really important; sibling relationships can be a real blessing in your life- and you showing indifference to the kid, will impact how your daughter sees him. For their sakes, you should find it in yourself to at least treat them more equitably, even if you dont feel it inside.

And for disclosure- I’ve been the step kid treated like this. It caused unimaginable pain as a child, and my sister and I have never really had a relationship as a result of the grown ups around us being able to treat us fairly.

YABU about the present and so cold to not think of your DSS once - he's a family member who lives with you half the time! OK so he didn't notice about the present, but your DH noticed, and pretty soon your DD will notice too.

I'm not really sure about the Facetime. Presumably when you spoke to DH you asked after DSS (as you said you'd discussed him) and said to say hello or whatever - and DH could have mentioned having a chat at the time.

I think the ages make such a difference here though - I would miss a 2yo like crazy but at 11 they are more independent and not always as delighted to see you! So it probably comes across as worse than it is. I expect if the kids were 5 and 8, you'd be treating them a lot more equally.

You're assuming a lot there. A lot of people with no experience of kids of their own can easily welcome a step child into their life as a nice novelty, and do things together as a family of three, as that is what their life currently consists of, it may even feel like the family that they never had.. but as soon as they go on to have children of their own, that dynamic can all change, suddenly their step kids are an inconvenience encroaching on their new 'family unit', and move out of the priority zone and into the tolerated zone.

Their family dynamic is probably a lot different now to what it was at the point they got married, and if she wasn't a shit step parent when they got married, she certainly is now.

Did his dad facetime him while you were away? Did his dad buy both the children gifts? Unless the answer to those questions is yes, then who does he think he is? Dicktating what you have to do, while doing none of it himself.

I have to agree with this.

My eldest isn’t dh’s but even his mum (my MIL) buys all the dcs exactly the same and spends the same on birthdays etc. That’s just being a decent person.
I don’t think not buying him a present from a trip of a few days is a big deal tbh, but it’s your overall attitude towards the dss that comes across as uncaring.

But I suspect your dh’s issue is more that you left him with the dcs for a few days and the gift thing is a red herring.

Dh used to do this when I was younger and getting ready to go out. He’d get arsey about something silly but really it was about the fact I was going out.

I learnt to ignore him!

How long have you been in your DSSs life? I couldn’t imagine doing this but I’ve known DSD (50/50 care) since she was two and shes an important part of my family. My extended family is big and varied though with remarriages and adoptions etc so DNA isn’t important to us and children are all treated equally. My DH had the opposite experience with his stepmum as a child, similar to you there was lots of prioritising the bio child and ignoring/minimising/leaving out him and his sister. Both are in therapy three decades on, which is why he would never have accepted someone like you being in the life of his child. Different things work for different people and different families but don’t kid yourself that your DSS isn’t noticing or doesn’t care.

I can’t for the life of me understand why you wouldn’t buy him a present. Buying presents is one of the great joys of going on holiday, so not to have done so feels very pointed.

But surely even if he did not FaceTime both kids or buy both kids gifts - that is still fair treatment? The issue isn’t to buy or not to buy. It is she deliberately feels no obligation or even attachment towards the DSS to buy a small gift or ask to chat to him (even if only once). The majority of SP do feel an obligation as a minimum. It seems the dad is concerned because maybe this is regular behaviour or may have implications as they get older…honestly this is not a new problem in society and general consensus has always been SP should be fair (proportionality matters when the issues are more serious and value is bigger but in this circumstances) a little gift and attention would not have hurt her…It is the unwillingness to even consider going to such little efforts that makes OP sound heartless…

His dad wasn't on the holiday. He was at home with the children.

We have no idea whether their family dynamic is different or not in regards to her relationship with the son.

Either way, if the father has a problem with it then he needs to communicate that to OP, and tell her what it is he wants her to do. Or he can leave.

Is it really? It's not my first priority to buy expensive tat for people back home when I go on holiday.

You're coming across as cold as ice , OP .

@SuperGreens buying gifts or not buying gifts is not the issue here, the issue is she bought one child a gift, and left out the other. Either don't buy any of them a gift, or buy them both. It's that simple really.

But if you bought expensive tat for one child, why would you not buy it for the other? If it's so meaningless?

I'm not surprised he is, your attitude towards SS is quite shocking tbh.

Minor or major, your DH treats both kids equally and wants you to do the same. Of course you're not going to feel the same about them both, but it is a good thing for them to experience, growing up as siblings, a sense that they're both loved equally.

What? Her DH not buying a gift for either child?

he is communicating it.. that's what the whole thread is about?

So in your world, if he's not happy that op isn't giving the child that lives with them half the week basic human consideration, he's got to leave?

ooookay.

Good for the dad for advocating for his child. I’d leave someone who treated my child with such nonchalance and disdain.

Just imagine he does. Then one day your daughter might get to spend half of her life with a step mum who doesn’t give a shit about her.

Team husband here. You are his step mother. Of course you will always have a different relationship with a stepchild than with your own flesh and blood but you are his stepmother, you are in a parental relationship with him and if you get a gift for your daughter you should get a gift for your stepson too. Close bonds do not just "happen", they are built. Why would you pass up on an opportunity to build that relationship and signal your affection to him?

I haven't been in this position but it must be a real worry for those with children, when they remarry, that their children will not be fully accepted and loved by their new partner. Your decision must have triggered that fear in him, hence his reaction.

The fact you have not seen this as a learning opportunity which you can act on in future, similar situations, makes me think you are actually committed to the idea that your relationship to your own daughter must always be signalled to be superior to that with your stepson, and you actually want to enforce that division.

This is a classic blended family problem. Your husband is the biological father to both children. He loves both. You are the biological mother to one child, you love one and care for the other. I assume your SS has a bio mother somewhere?

He's communicated his displeasure after the fact, when he’s hardly led by example when it comes to bringing gifts back from abroad. If he has expectations of OP then he needs to be upfront with her, not look to her to read his mind.

and yes, if he thinks she’s such a horrible person to his oldest child then why wouldn’t he look to remove himself from the marriage?

Yeah it’s not nice of you. Poor kid lives with you for half the week and you sound like you can barely remember he’s there.